I grew up thinking that holy was a synonym for perfect. I think it came from that Bible verse where Jesus says "Be holy as I am holy." and since the only thing that Jesus is that no other human is, is perfect I equated the two. Lately God has been challenging me to change my perspective and see holy as a synonym for real.
It began back in January when I was at church and there was a different kind of sermon. Instead of the pastor preaching there was a couple on stage and they were asked to share their story interview style. The couple sharing is in leadership of a different church, and the interviewer was our pastor. They began to share their struggle with infertility and they talked about how they lived life joyfully, truly enjoying the babies of others and their work and their schooling and were looking forward to becoming pastors, but in those moments when they were naked before God they weren't afraid to say things like, "Man I'm jealous." or "You know what I really wish it was me this time.". They didn't put their heart on their sleeves and weep to everyone who would pretend to listen, but when they were with God who truly cares about their sad times and asks that we bring them to Him they were real.
That challenged me a lot. I had it in my mind that being perfect meant never being mad, never putting myself first, never being selfish. And hearing these godly people share about having those emotions I began to see Jesus in a different way. I began to actually see the stories where he has to get away from the crowd. I began to actually hear the part of his prayer where he says "Is there any other way?".
Now I'm not so good at being real. I have two extremes, I either bottle it all up inside and don't tell a soul anything, or I spill it all constantly until people want to avoid me I'm sure. I know that coming to true holiness will be finding a balance of the two.
It's weird to me that God is teaching me these lessons and that I'm getting them, because I cannot remember the last time I felt God. I have lost that passion that gets you goosebumpy when you read the Psalms and since I don't feel anything, I haven't exactly been spending time trying to find that feeling. Last night I couldn't sleep and I picked up my Bible and began to read Hosea again. I love that book. I do get kind of lost in the language, (meaning lost as in what the? not in the poetic sense), but I know the story. Of the way a man in love will wait for his woman to smarten up and forgive her over and over, the same way God waits for me while I try everything else to get what only He can give, and he waits patiently for me to come back always forgiving.
And while that doesn't give me goosebumps right now, it gives me peace that one day it will again.