I tried to write this post earlier in the day. I sat down to the computer, Belle doing her usual of playing in the recycle paper box, but then my darling decided she would rather play with the power bar and turned it off. Sweet. I think it kind of sums up my weekend. I've been chasing her around trying to make sure she doesn't hurl anything breakable, and picking up after her. EVERYTHING and I mean everything has come out of the box/shelf/cupboard it belongs in. She has been bringing me a constant parade of the clothes from the dirty hamper. It has me quite frustrated.
I woke up yesterday morning in the middle of an absolute panic attack. I don't know what exactly triggered it, but we were looking for a place to live in Georgetown and everything is in the $900-$1400/month to rent. And we're not talking houses. So that got me kind of down, but for some reason I woke up realizing that even though we got an awesome deal on movers, paying for that as well as first and last months rent at a new place is going to render us totally broke, and without money to physically get ourselves from Alberta to Ontario, or pay for utility hook ups or groceries or cover anything we might be short bill wise while we get back on our feet. I knew it was a monumental cost, I've been consulting the savings account nearly everyday trying to figure out how to cut costs here and there in the meantime etc. But for some reason my sub-conscious thought that it would continue to work on this problem while I was sleeping and I woke up with a start, shivering but sweating and I know in my sleep I screamed, but I don't know if I did it out loud. It just feels so devastating to think of how hard I worked and how much I sacrificed over the year for this move and it's not going to make a diddly of a difference. We're still going to be just scraping by! I've been fighting the urge to scream all weekend.
But even worse than that is that I'm sure that all the stress I'm feeling is hurting the baby. I just know that this isn't creating a healthy womb for my unborn child. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't get myself to calm down. Yesterday I was so stressed I was sick to my stomach. Not cool.
Not cool at all. And it has me wondering why it's all so hard. I mean everything we're doing is to jump through the hoops placed before us so that Nick can fulfill the call on his life by God to become a youth pastor. And I'm not being biased. This is the call on his life, so many people have confirmed it. I just don't get why following God and living in his will has to be this tough for us and not for so many other people. It's so frustrating.
On top of which the people who live above us have started coming in at 3am (how do you do that with a newborn?), and having a gazillion people over and walking like ELEPHANTS all 24 hours of the day. And I'm so tired of living here.
Augh. I just want one of those blessings. You know the ones that blow you away like paying rent and having it show up in cash in your mailbox the next day? Or someone in our new city deciding to give short term missions a try for a year and their house is already totally paid for so we can live there for the cost of maintenance and utilities. One of those knock you off your feet blessings that gives you the refreshment you need to continue on the journey. And the sick part is, I feel like I deserve one.