Just can't shake it.

It all started a few weeks ago while watching Extreme Home Makeover I was introduced to the Craft Family. I will never meet them but after hearing their story and about living life with a daugther who has Alobas Holoprosencephaly, a serious brain malformation, I have not been able to shake the feeling that there is something "not right" about this baby I am carrying. I have no reason to think there is something wrong, I have heard a healthy heartbeat, I have gained two pounds, I have felt on and off flutters for the last month, and my apetite is slowly returning. But I just can't shake it.

I watched this family on tv and heard about their constant struggles in everything even bathing their daughter. She cannot hold her head upright or move any of her limbs, she cannot do anything for herself. And she is one of four children. The others are all healthy. This family also suffered losing a baby hours after it was born. To say that their life has been hard would be an understatement.

I was of course crying like I do every week when I watch the show and I saw this handicapped child who was not pleasant to look at, I saw three other children in need of the same amount of love as their sister, I saw a husband who had to shoulder all financial responsibility, share his wife with four other people and I marveled at them. All of the children were quite confident and secure, they all smiled all the time. The mom and dad still acting like teenagers, to hear the difference they somehow found the time to make in the lives of others despite their daily trials. I am in awe of families such as these.

And when I have a quiet moment and this thought plagues my mind I wonder if I could be such a family. I wonder if I could have the strength to get up each day and put my child's life in God's hands in a much more literal sense than I do now, if I would be able to devote as much time and energy to my non-handicapped children, if I would even have a relationship with my husband should such a stress be put in my life. I truly wonder.

I know a lot of people say they could, that you love a child regardless. And I don't doubt that I would love the child, but could I go through the every day of it? I think to say yes would be lip service. I don't feel I have the energy for it. I don't feel I have enough peace within to deal with such a hardship and that makes me sigh.

So I don't know if this feeling I can't shake is just the fear of the unknown, or if it's God preparing me for what we'll see on our ultrasound on Wednesday, or if it's God stirring up questions inside helping me to define me and carve out of life what I want and need to be the person I long to be. I don't know which of these things it is, but I just can't shake this feeling. So don't be surprised if Wednesday's ultrasound update is a bit sad, I have a feeling it might be.