I struggle with envy, it's true. I never thought of it as being envious of others gifts or how God made them; but fully acknowledge that I am envious of what others have. I am envious of people who own their own homes, of people who can go out shopping for things other than groceries. I am envious of women who look pretty or have stylish clothes. I am envious of what I perceive others have: like fuller social calendars and more friends. I am envious of people who have energy regardless of how little sleep they got and who are approached by complete strangers just because.
Envy doesn't keep me from doing things. I still volunteer, have people over, attempt to make new friends, I get up and keep trying after I fail. But envy keeps me from feeling joy. No matter how clean and welcoming my home is, it feels insignificant because someone else owns my home. When I go out with friends and I'm not the one who gets complimented I feel self conscious and nervous. When someone begins to share how God has blessed them materially I actually doubt His love for me instead of rejoicing in their blessing. I don't envy because I don't think the others deserve what they are getting. I don't envy because I want what they have.
I envy because I long to be chosen and I still view chosen as a fallen human. I crave to be the popular girl, not just the popular girl's invisible friend. I desire to have "it" as defined by the world. I envy because my mind is having trouble being renewed and my attitude re-written by God. Confession: There's nothing that I wouldn't give to walk into a room full of people, full of confidence in who I am and approach strangers simply because I believe there is value in them knowing me. I used to think that was an issue of self esteem, but am beginning to think it may be an issue of envy. Either way the path to freedom is love; and not love in the movies or even the love of a spouse. But His love. A love I will never fully comprehend but am hoping to embrace.