Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I Think Out Loud

I struggle with envy, it's true. I never thought of it as being envious of others gifts or how God made them; but fully acknowledge that I am envious of what others have. I am envious of people who own their own homes, of people who can go out shopping for things other than groceries. I am envious of women who look pretty or have stylish clothes. I am envious of what I perceive others have: like fuller social calendars and more friends. I am envious of people who have energy regardless of how little sleep they got and who are approached by complete strangers just because.

Envy doesn't keep me from doing things. I still volunteer, have people over, attempt to make new friends, I get up and keep trying after I fail. But envy keeps me from feeling joy. No matter how clean and welcoming my home is, it feels insignificant because someone else owns my home. When I go out with friends and I'm not the one who gets complimented I feel self conscious and nervous. When someone begins to share how God has blessed them materially I actually doubt His love for me instead of rejoicing in their blessing. I don't envy because I don't think the others deserve what they are getting. I don't envy because I want what they have.

I envy because I long to be chosen and I still view chosen as a fallen human. I crave to be the popular girl, not just the popular girl's invisible friend. I desire to have "it" as defined by the world. I envy because my mind is having trouble being renewed and my attitude re-written by God. Confession: There's nothing that I wouldn't give to walk into a room full of people, full of confidence in who I am and approach strangers simply because I believe there is value in them knowing me. I used to think that was an issue of self esteem, but am beginning to think it may be an issue of envy. Either way the path to freedom is love; and not love in the movies or even the love of a spouse. But His love. A love I will never fully comprehend but am hoping to embrace.


Lamb said...

Amanda, you are brave for being brutally honest even if you don't feel brave.

You are not alone in these feelings of envy. I have always felt less than others. I have always doubted myself and sometimes feel foolish and downright dumb around others who SEEM to have it all (meaning popularity, own home, nice wardrobe, education.

But, I am finding out that usually things are not as I perceive them.

I think we need to stop trying to measure up to our ideals of perfection and REST in God's perfect love. He loves us unconditionally and we need to love ourselves that same way. We will never have it all this side of heaven.

Somebody once told me that I have to love myself and then others can. I hope this all makes sense.
I think out loud all the time.
I am sure a lot of people do.

God bless
(John 14:27)

karen said...


Thank you so much for your honesty.

I too, feel the same way so often, and had been half 'drafting' a post in my mind (or rather, just thinking about the topic), but you said it so much better than I could. So interesting that so many people feel the same way -- the same people that we may think have something 'better' than us. For me, it's envy (which I agree, is probably the root of it), but I have this problem with comparing myself to others -- I'm not as pretty, funny, outgoing, confident, as good a writer, photographer....

There is just so much to be said on the topic, isn't there!

Anyways, I so relate to your last paragraph -- are you sure you weren't talking about me? :)