Friday, September 21, 2007

I Don't Want to Dissappoint

I have once again begun trying to go to Ladies Time Out at the church. I started going because the study really, really leapt out at me. We were going to be going through 'A Woman's Guide to Personal Discipline'. This seemed perfect for me right now as this year has been a struggle through disciplining myself. However, the books have not yet arrived, and so the leadership decided to go another way. I was uber disappointed. I'm going to order the study and do it myself. I am also going to continue going to LTO, if for nothing more than a break from my dear two year old.

This week while we were in the midst of the program shift the time was filled with a segment of a DVD series featuring Beth Moore. What a great speaker! Granted, my head hurt a bit from the video as in her enthusiasm it felt like she was yelling the entire time, but I really enjoyed the session.

Especially the line where she said:
'When we trust don't we so often say; God I trust you to do what I say.......... in Jesus name!'

Lately I've been thinking about trust and faith. As you know I began a job as a transcriptionist in July. I am an independant contractor for a firm. I have been given three hours of work in the last six weeks. This does not pay the bills. And so I struggle with the line between trust and irresponsibility. I'm just not sure where it is and as far as a 'feeling' on this issue lately I'm not feeling anything at all. But it's a struggle nonetheless. Should I be looking for another job? Or do I continue to be faithful to do work when it's provided and life as usual when it's not? It's a hard call for me. In the past I've always assumed that the answer is to go out and find another job guaranteeing the bills would be paid. When I talked to hubby he said maybe the reason we keep circling back to this place is because we haven't truly trusted God. We get close to not paying the bills and then find a solution ourselves.

And Beth Moore had so many poignant things to say on the topic. Like how we trust God to do things our way, not really his way, just the solution we can think up.

It's been a very challenging week for me to contemplate this. Still not sure where the line lies between faith and irresponsibility. Still knowing that God is able, but not sure that I don't need to do something in there.


Elizabeth said...

bills are an area of extreme challenge when it comes to fully relying on God. He does have a plan and He will guide us. I always worry, though, maybe the plan is that the bills don't get paid? What then? Thinking of you and praying for you...

Lamb said...

I totally understand where you are coming from, Amanda.

Just after John became a Christian he lost his job. We had a mortgage to pay and two sons to raise. I did not drive at the time and we lived in Acton. No Transit. So I babysat neighbourhood children. The thins is: I did not go looking for the work. It came to me. Of course, it came to me before I had a chance to go looking. lol

We were living on next to nothing and the parents brought their kids food. We had peanut butter sandwiches a lot and lots of casseroles and spaghetti.

Guess who had the struggle with trust??? Me!!! John, who was a baby Christian at the time totally trusted that God would supply ALL our NEEDS. Boy oh boy did he ever teach me a lot.

I understand as a mother we always want to fix everything that we perceive as being incorrect. What we need to learn to do is REST IN GOD. That is a hard one!

In your post the word irresponsible jumped out at me. I just now realized that it is God who is RESPONSIBLE for keeping His promise of taking care of us and not ever leaving us. WOW Thanks for using that word.

Keep up the great posts. You really make me think.

Love and God bless

Amanda Franks said...

I thought that too Elizabeth, and I really don't know what the what then is. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts!

Michelle said...

When we were going to church, I found that so many Christians just let God handle everything. I wholeheartedly disagree with this sentiment. I think we need to take responsibility for ourselves. When we really step up that is when God steps in.
That is the same way we deal with our children in this life. We don't just hand them things everytime they need it. We watch them try to figure things out for themselves. We watch them go through their struggles and grow from them. It would be so so bad for their characters and personal growth if we just gave them everything they want, wouldn't it?

Amanda Franks said...

I am suddenly struck with the synonymity between Nick working two jobs & me being employed and slowly but surely getting a home based business off the ground with waiting for a handout from God. Oh wait, I'm not.