Falling

This picture was taken at the London's Children Museum. Nolan cannot walk and yet he climbed on everything. He would have played this piano all day if we let him.

It has been a long, long, long summer. I do not like summer. It has been a hot humid summer and even our rainy 'days' were more like rainy hours which dried almost immediately due to said heat and humidity. I suck at sucking it up during the summer. I learned to thrive through sleep deprivation, but humidity is a whole other story and one I still have yet to conquer. We haven't made it to the park even once. We haven't hit our local splash pads either. Our hydro bill is monstrous due to the use of the a/c. We did a few trips to the zoo but not nearly as many as I had planned. Summer just sucks at our house. This is about the time when people start to bemoan the end of the summer season, but I will admit to doing a happy dance each day the sun is out a little less. I have failed and faced old demons on a continual basis this past three months, oh how I am ready for the fall. The freshness of cool breezes and the changing of the leaves. Waking up and going to bed in the dark. Return to routines and busyness. Oh fall, could I quicken your return I would.

Fruit Scentsation

A few posts ago I was talking about how my home, and my self smell. That post was just the tip of the iceberg of things I have been contemplating, and I promise one day in the near future I'll get back to the whale vomit.

But today I have tripped upon a conclusion. I was trying to think of what God-sense would smell like. I had a friend in high school who wore the perfume OM by GAP. It was this delightful musky scent with a hint of femininity and I think that might be what God's character smells like a bit. The Bible lets us into the mix of male and female traits in Him and so I think that perfume comes close in terms of description.

But I don't think that's how God wants me to smell. I think the Bible clearly states that He created male and female uniquely and while He encompasses all things, we get to focus on our gender specifics.

However, I was thinking that every Christian should smell fruity. Not as in Carson from Queer Eye, but more like the fruits of the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control. But not in a lip balm sort of way where the fruity taste touches your lips in an over powering way and then it fades into nothingness. I think more like an orchard.

Where the fruit is abundant. Where the vines are to heavy with their own weight sometimes, and then seemingly empty but filled with the promise of the next harvest. Where you can bury all of our senses in the smell of a particular fruit if you feel led. Where the sweet scents mingle with fresh air and sunshine and wash over your being while you bask in it's goodness.

I want to smell fruity. Like the farmer doing the work of harvesting his orchard, I hope that I can do the work of harvesting a fruit scentsation!

Leave the Grind Behind!

On Wednesday night our Women's ministry had a coffee house night. I was one of the women asked to share a testimony about what God has been teaching me this part year. A few friends of mine missed the evening and so I'm posting this so they can read it, (as I am a much better writer than speaker I think!). So it's a bit long, but if you want to know what God has been teaching me here is the very, very, very Reader's Digest version. Five to seven minutes is a very short amount of time, seriously I could have been a conference speaker with all God is lavishing on me!

My name is Amanda, which means 'worthy of love'. I became aware of the meaning of my name around my tenth birthday and for the past 20 years I've always thought it was fitting. Loving others has come easily to me. Being a servant is not a hard pill for me to swallow and I just love to love. It wasn't until about eight months ago that I began to see that God had chosen my name long before I was born as an instrument to teach me that not only am I worthy of loving- I am also worthy of being loved.

I grew up in a home where love seemed conditional, something I head to earn. I've always been surrounded by great friends, but each of those friends had a best friend who wasn't me. And I married a loving man, but even he can't love me exactly the way I need to be loved All. The. Time. In the past I've had a very human understanding of love.

Today I am excited about the foundation of God's love that my life is being firmly built on. I am so thankful for the lessons He's taught me and the truths He's been revealing to me in my every day life. I smile a little more, I walk a bit taller, I stress out a lot less and am more steadfast each day no matter what it throws at me. It's a great pit stop to have arrived at, but let me take you back to the beginning of this lap of my journey.

Almost exactly a year ago today my husband and I welcomed our fourth child to our family. Along with his arrival came a sense of grateful completeness. I had spent the better part of five years being pregnant and I had been looking forward to getting re-acquainted with my feet and bending at the waist and a long list of things I'd been missing.

But now that I was the mother of four children under the age of five my life was very full, in constant motion, definitely a work in progress and I was never alone. Yet I felt empty, stalled, without an individual purpose and lonely. I found it completely perplexing that I could simultaneously be crying out for a second to myself and a party to go to. I found it utterly maddening that I could be doing tasks all day but accomplishing nothing. I found it ironic that I could be the centre of four little universes but seemingly invisible to the world at large.

I was insecure and lost and when I feel that way I gravitate to what is comfortable and predictable and so I decided the logical thing to do to fix the loneliness and purposelessness and insecurity and restlessness I felt was obviously to have another baby.

Now I never was very good at being pregnant; I mean you wouldn't exactly say I glowed or anything like that, but when I was pregnant I had a definite purpose and many people were always asking me how I was or doing thing to help me out and my life had this excited anticipation surrounding it.

I really thought another baby would be the perfect solution. Thankfully my husband didn't see it that way and in September I finally started looking for an alternative route to the fill the voids in my heart.

God was already preparing me for this time of transition and through other situations and circumstances he had brought me into times of intimate relationship with Himself. Sadly those occasions had been few and far between as my spiritual discipline was sporadic at best. All around me people were indirectly encouraging me to 'Draw near to God', and as I met more and more consistently with Him I began to see the truth of Psalm 1:1-3

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord and on His law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water which yields it's fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither."

Through my time with God I learned that the heart of my issues were that I had spent most of my life defining myself by what I had done and not who I am; and I honestly did that because I didn't believe there was anything all that special about me. That girls like me are a dime a dozen.

God started showing me how this grieved His heart, how it upset Him that I couldn't see that He had created me fearfully and wonderfully. That I was in essence doubting Him and His decision to create me to be me and His desire to use me for His purposes.

And God began to drive home hard to me that my purpose is to bring glory to Him and He has, and is, working out all things so I can.

As I've learned to lean into God's love for me and believe that He created me as a masterpiece I am blown away by His wisdom.

His love shows me daily how worthy of love He has made me and He has placed directly in my daily life four little people who will struggle with the same things I do, we all do: our insecurities and doubts. Our self-esteem and self-image, the lies the world tells me, tells you and will tell them to try and make them believe that they aren't worthy of being loved.

God is growing me and building me up in his unconditional, perfect, never-stopping, never-ending love and as I live surrendered to that love I will bring glory to Him by paying it forward.

How awesome is our God that in the big picture His love caused Him to send Jesus to save us and in the little picture we share His love through individual little acts of love that all contribute to the bigger picture.

This past year God has been teaching me that I am worthy of love and challenging me to be worthy of love. The Bible study at the last session of RENEW had a quote by Max Lucado which I find to be greatly encouraging when I feel myself being ground down by life;

"When it comes to the major league difficulties like death, disease, disaster and sin you know that God cares. But what about the smaller things? What about grouchy bosses or lost dogs or flat tires? What about broken dishes, late flights, toothaches or a crashed hard drive? Do these matter to God? I mean, he's got a universe to run. He's got planets to keep balanced and Presidents and Kings to watch over. He's got wars to worry about and famines to fix. Who am I to tell Him about my ingrown toenail?

I'm glad you asked. Let me tell you who you are. In fact, let me proclaim who you are. You are an heir of God and a co-heir with Christ. You are eternal-like an angel. You have a crown that will last forever. You are a holy priest, a treasured possession. But more than any of the above- more significant than any title or position- is the simple fact that you are God's child."

What an amazing love that I am blessed to be worthy of. That you are blessed to be worthy of. Worthy of receiving it and worthy of giving it away for God's glory now and forever. Amen.

Saturday Morings.

We have been doing swimming lessons at the local pool for the last few weeks. I tried to arrange that we would only have to be at the pool for an hour, with two kids having lessons simultaneously for each half hour block. I was a bit late with our registrations though and the class for Brooklyn's age group was filled.

She gets to swim all by herself in the pool. Well, almost all by herself. There is one other girl in her class, and only one other class with two children in it that swim at the same time. She absolutely loves the pool and she loves swimming without us. I wasn't sure she was ready for her first parent-less class but she is doing remarkably well. I see a lot of other kids in her age come for the next session, a class of five with two teachers. The teachers spend literally the entire class trying to coax the kids into the water. I'm kind of glad I was late with the registrations.

There isn't anyone else there first thing in the morning and we get the run of the place, which Nolan appreciates as he fully explores the entire building.

Kathryn likes to spend the 30 minutes asking if it's her turn. And when we stop answering her questions she just slyly begins taking off her clothes, which doesn't make the time go any faster, but I think she thinks it does.

Brooklyn has an amazing swimming teacher whom she adores. But the best part of all swimming lessons at our local pool, is the Duck slide. Loads of fun, for everyone!

Mum's the Word.

For Mother's Day this year we went to the zoo. It was a nice treat because we didn't have to be in our incredibly messy house for the day, (it's been very busy at my paying gig lately). So we took some time for some pictures just off one of the main treks in the zoo.

Katy has posed with this particular statue a million times, but this time she discovered the the orangutan's hand has nails. She was beyond impressed.

This particular Mother's Day saw flurries in the morning and I did not feel like eating out in the cold, so we splurged on a restaurant dinner. The girls' were super excited to be eating at "Hannah Montana's". They did a fabulous job eating there even though it was busy and there were many distractions. Our waiter was awesome and brought the kids meals with our appetizers and their dessert while Nick and I were finishing. I think I ate a hot meal! Some other highlights were when Isabella spelt 'zoo' on the tablecloth and Nolan's uber cuteness. Even a spontaneous family shot via a waitress turned out okay. It was nice to have someone else cook and clean for a night!

U-reek-A

I think I read somewhere that our strongest sense is the sense of smell. I believe what I was reading had more to do with the way that we connect smells to certain events or people. Perhaps the smell of gingerbread makes you think of Christmas, or mothballs cause you to recall your Great Aunt Gertrude, or a certain flower's scent reminds you of your wedding.

I've been considering what my home smells like lately. Usually it's dirty diapers, (seriously that smell just lingers!), or that burnt aroma announcing to the world that my oven needs to be cleaned again. Sometimes it's chocolate chip cookies or pot roast. I don't think I have a home that has a consistently appealing aroma, most likely due to the fact that I only think about lighting candles instead of actually doing it and I never remember to Febreeze.

But the concept I've been dwelling on reaches far beyond physical smell. I wonder if my home has a Godsence. When people step into my home can they smell the presence of God? Perhaps they don't know what that smell is, but they know they're smelling it and that they don't smell it everywhere. I wish for my home to be surrounded in a mist of Godsence, like the tabernacle would have been flooded with incense. And I wonder what does that smell like? How do I create that smell?

I've also been thinking about what I smell like. You know how some people can tell what you've had for dinner when you go to an evening meeting? Or how aware you are of that sweaty smell at the gym? Do I have a signature scent? I'm sure in recent days past it would have been Eau du Baby Barf. If I have time to actually get ready before going somewhere I do wear my favourite perfume and I love the way I smell on those days. And the way it lingers on my pillow case for a night or two. Wouldn't it be amazing if I walked past people in the mall and they got a wiff of God?

I know my desire is to reek of my home and for my home to smell like the presence of God.

At the moment I think a more accurate description of my surrounding scents would be: whale vomit.

Passing the Torch?

Spring is in full bloom around these parts. The flowers and the bellies! Our church is sure riding the waves of the next baby boom, or so it seems! Brooklyn has always been our most matronly child and so its no surprise that every time a pregnant lady passes our path she says something along the lines of; "That girl has a baby in her tummy just like you!"

I look her straight in the eyes and remind her for the umpteenth time that we aren't going to be having any more brothers or sisters. That there aren't any babies in my tummy, (who needs more motivation to get to the gym than that?). Last week I think she finally understood what I was explaining to her and that she would just have to accept it.

For now she's content to carry dolls in her shirt and when a pregnant lady passes us she reminds me that one day she'll go to the hospital and get a baby! I am soooooo glad that's a long, long, long way off but I can already see that she will be a blessing as a mom and that is pretty cool.

Egg-citing

This is only our second attempt at Easter Egg decorating. I tend to decorate the eggs and then forget to dispose of them post-Easter until there is a smell that I cannot place. This year I was a little smarter, telling the kids that on Easter Sunday the Easter Bunny will come and trade their decorated eggs for treats! Now I don't have to worry about hurting their feelings by throwing the eggs away too soon, and my house wont smell because I waited too long to dispose of them!

These are the poses with our finished Easter egg creations. Brooklyn is showing Katy the ropes.

Brooklyn cute as can be.

Not sure why she chose the peace sign, but she did, completely unprompted by the parentals.

Katy dropped her egg, which caused the shell to crack, which caused her to put her finger in it, which caused the shell to come off, which then prompted her to bite it, which caused her to spit the shell out. Then mommy peeled it and she tried the hard boiled egg, which she also spit out, apparently not a fan of hard boiled eggs.

Isabella concentrated really hard on her sticker placement.

Nolan watched and ate. Happy as a clam.

Waiting for the eggs to dry was a really long time!

Daddy helped with the dying so we didn't have finger prints all over the house.

Look at all those colours!

Getting ready to decorate some eggs!!

Tea for Two, or Twelve!

For Isabella's fifth birthday we threw a Princess Tea Party. She invited her sisters and all the girls in her class. It was a great time with 12 little princesses crammed into our living room, (I had planned a bunch of outdoor games, but it rained!). Here are just a few pictures, I didn't want to put any with faces other than my girls on here! It doesn't really show the charming chaoticness, but I bet you can imagine! I'm just a bit too tired today to put them in any order. I'll see if I can squeeze in comments though. For some reason it's not letting me type in between the pictures. But there you have it. Food, games, crafts, gifts and giggles. And one very happy five year old girl!

The Path is Paved

I started this week off with totally good intentions. Working out, blogging, house work- the whole nine yards. I have done absolutely nothing. Well not nothing, I read a zillion books, fed and bathed children, made it to bus stops and doctors appointments and cuddled sick children. But I didn't make it to the gym even once, fell right back off the bloggin' wagon and my house, um, let's leave that subject alone for now! You know that old saying about good intentions, hopefully I can change them into reality and start heading the right direction!

Shining Example

About two weeks ago Isabella got her first shiner. I was out of the house, but apparently she jumped over Nick's legs while goofing around and fell forward bouncing her eye socket off of Nolan's head. So the story goes that Nolan didn't even flinch.

It amazes me that just weeks shy of her fifth birthday Isabella is sporting a shiner for the first time. I recently sorted through a million photos and I am pretty convinced that Brooklyn spent her entire second year with a black eye or bruised forehead or rug burned chin. Its like comparing apples and oranges those two.

Isabella loved to recount the story at church and let everyone know exactly what happened. She was rather happy with the attention I think. Which is fine, as long as her story doesn't end with: 'But you should see the other guy!".

Re-LENT-less

March finds one in the midst of the Lent season. For a long time I thought that celebrating Lent merely meant giving up something in order to suffer. It made sense in my mind. What better way to focus on Easter and what Christ did on the cross than by voluntarily suffering? I never got much out of Lent.

A few years ago I learned that my perception of Lent was only half the picture. I had the giving up part right but I was missing out on the filling up. The whole picture of Lent involves not only giving something up, but filling that void with God. So to abstain from chocolate, or TV, or afternoon naps for 40 days in hopes of growing closer to an understanding of the Passion of Christ is most likely missing the mark.

I've had one good Lent experience. It was the Easter after Brooklyn was born, so 2007. I had Isabella and Brooklyn in my care and was in morning sickness/incredible exhaustion mode due to being pregnant once again. Every day around 3:00 I would be ready to throw in the towel. Since that wasn't an option I would head to the pantry, grab a can of Coke, down it in about 3.5 seconds and get on with the day fueled by caffine and sugar. The day was good. Until about 5:30 when inevitably the effects would wear off and let's just say our days were not ending up in a happy place.

For Lent I decided to kick the Coke habit and replace it with prayer. I'm pretty sure that if you stopped by our house during that season of Lent you would have found me on my knees at 3:30 like clockwork, crying out for some divine help, complete with weeping and gnashing of teeth supplied by my babes.

And it was so worth it. Not only to have nixed the daily sugar high and inevitable crash, but also to have learned that the power of the Holy Spirit is there for me all day long, whenever I need it, whatever the circumstances, to get me from strength to strength. The days didn't stop being tiring, the kids didn't start feeding and bathing themselves and then skipping off happily to bed. But I was able, because HE is able, to do those tasks required of me with joy and energy.

Since then I haven't had a good Lent experience. I struggle to find another vice that I have need to rid myself of. But as I pause to consider the 'filling up' side of Lent I know that I have so much further to go in growing closer to God and perhaps I need to shift my focus from throwing things off to putting things on.

Miss Fancy Pants

There is a great bunch of books called "Fancy Nancy", by, um, I forget. They are wonderful stories that say things like; "Mad is too plain for how I feel, I am furious!" and "When I tell my best friend I can't come to her birthday party she is heartbroken." or "I am an azure butterfly. Azure is a fancy word for blue." The whole concept of the book is to teach kids big words without it seeming overwhelming. The illustrations are amazingly fun and the story lines are cute.

Nancy, in the story, is a girl with wildflowers in her hair and a million accessories. She is in fact Brooklyn's twin. (Well maybe minus the wildflowers.) Brooklyn changes outfits at least four times a day. She always has on a headband, one ring, one bracelet, carries a cell phone and the rest varies day by day. We recently received a bag of hand-me-downs containing a tankini, I think size 7. Much too big for either of the girls to wear. Brooklyn has yet to take it off. She wears it like a tank top, which its big enough for, and she matches the rest of her clothes to it. I let her wear it to church, its just a phase right? I put it right back in her drawer after I wash it and when she discovers it she exclaims; "This is my bestest shirt ever, I have never seen it in so long!"

If you're doing something you shouldn't be, Brooklyn will remind you that there is a consequence. If there are toys on the floor that she does not want to pick up she will inform me that it's Bella's responsibility. Where this girl comes up with these big words, I have no idea ;)

She is over-dramatic. She is full of energy. She is hard to keep up with. Every day has a cute storyline with her. She is one Fancy Nancy.

Captured!

I take a lot of pictures, I'm in the thick of organizing like 20,000 of them. Literally. I like most of them. I love many. I could sit and stare for days at a few of them and this is one of those pictures. All on it's own without any story to back it this picture makes me giggle. It makes me want to smoosh Katy up in a huge hug. It just warms the cockles of my January cold heart.

We went to an indoor play center for a birthday party this weekend. There were tonnes of things to climb on and slides, a rock wall to climb, cool bike thingys to drive, a few other play centers I don't know how to describe and a dress up center. Katy and I were going down slides together and in the midst of our running around we found this discarded costume. She put it on and kept on playing. After she wore it a few moments I tried to get her to put it back for other kids to play with and she looked at me quite seriously and said 'My Monkey!'. We convinced her to take it off when it was time for lunch, but she found it again right away and wore it until we left.

I love that she loves to dress up. I love that she likes to do what makes her happy without pausing to consider what others might think. I love that it brought her so much joy. I love that I was there to share it with her. I love that it is forever captured on 'film'.

First time for Everything

I am one of those crazy people who loves winter. I love bundling up in extra sweaters. I love running inside for hot chocolate after being outside. I love the comfort food I make for dinner. I love watching snow fall. I love how excited Isabella gets when she makes snow angels. I love all the celebrations and get togethers that come along when there is snow on the ground.

But not this year.

It has been so cold, and up until last night I could still see grass in my neighbor's back yard. The most time I've spent outside is waiting at the bus stop and that is just not enjoyable. I think this may be the first year I've ever experienced the January blahs. And you know what? All you winter bah-humbugers can have them back! I am not a fan. Not at all.

And the main thing that makes the difference seems to be the lack of white stuff. Not having a few feet of snow around seems to have let the cold air go straight to my heart. I need it back to insulate my reverie.

I want to enjoy the winter season. Being stuck inside with the ones you love, extra time to scrapbook and read. Warm foods and warm drinks. I think I'm going to have to reclaim my love for winter, with or without the snow!

Family Funnies

When everyone is playing quietly, GET SUSPICIOUS!

Side note: Nolan totally did this to himself, he found a capless marker and was trying to get it in his mouth.

Singing with Meaning

I try to make a point of not singing a spiritual song unless I know what it means in my heart. There's a lot of songs based on really great theology and while I know the words I don't really know it and those songs I mostly just listen to and ponder. I find that knowing what the words mean in my heart helps me to connect with the song and really enter into a worshipful spirit on Sunday mornings.

This week we sang a song that I like and a phrase has stuck out to me: 'as I wait I'll rise up like the eagle'. I think I know what that means in my heart, about pressing on in tough situations without letting them have victory over you. But I have been questioning all week whether I know what it means in my life. When I think of things I am waiting on the Lord for, how can I rise up? What does that look like? Can other people see that I'm rising like the eagle, or should they be able to? If I mean what I sing on Sunday morning then my life should reflect it and this week I've been wondering if it does.
(These pics are of the girls in concert. Brooklyn making a surprise appearance at the church concert and Belle at her first school concert.)