It's not that I don't like being a mom. It's not even that I don't like keeping my house clean. It's not even that I'm bothered by the fact that I had to virtually give up a life of freedom. The thing I'm not getting any joy out of is the Stay At Home Mom lifestyle. I've spent so much of my life driven by getting an "A" on an assignment. All of my jobs have had deadlines and projects. You finish one thing, you move onto the next and you only see the first thing again if you made a mistake. So driven by accomplishment, by ticking things off the proverbial 'to do' list once and for all.
How bizarre to now re-write my to do list everynight with the same items? How does one feel they are moving forward when it's just going around in a circle? The rest of the world moves forward but at our house we're stuck on replay, and rightly so. Routine is what keeps the kids calm, it allows them to thrive as they understand what is predictable. It's a very important part of being a parent, to do the same thing over and over again.
In my SAHM lifestyle I am often Stuck At Home which doesn't really jive with my personality. I like to be out and with people. Even if being "with" them is only walking beside them in Old Navy. But I live in a small town, with no bus system sometimes it's actually impossible to get out and go somewhere. There are several activities to do in town for moms and tots, but then arises the final stitch in my robe. I'm a mommy introvert. I have no desire to go to the local mom's group and compare stats. I know it's just the beginning and after the first awkward conversations you find true friends, but, well you other introverts understand.
I think someone told me that the biggest struggle in becoming a parent is remembering to be yourself as well. To feed yourself-emotionally, physically, spiritually. I think my struggle is better defined by trying to do that within my current lifestyle. People are always telling me to take a bath, read a book, make Nick stay at home while I go out. The truth of the matter is I can't do the things that feed me and make me happy while being a mom. Don't for a second think I'm saying I'm not happy and I'll never be until my kids are growing up. I'm just trying to figure out the evolution of being a contented me before kids to being a contented me with kids.