Be Gentle

Today was a very humbling day for me. I had my first Creative Memories Get Together. I totally bombed. I watched the little presentation that they want you to do and it's so not me. But it's a tried and true program so I better give it a try, right? I got about to minutes in and felt so fake, so unpassionate, so unenthusiastic. That's when it started to go downhill and it never recovered. I did manage to break even so I guess that's the positive part. At least now I have confirmed that I can't do things that aren't me. One part went really good. When talking about the Storybooks I did well. I flowed, I had passion. I also had the actual Storybook in my hand and flipped pages while I was talking. I think that's the key. So I've got an idea in my head of how to revamp it and ofcourse I'll give it another go. I have two more Get Togethers scheduled in April and if both of those ones bomb I guess I'll be throwing in my hat. But I wont give up without trying and here's crossing my fingers I'll succeed.

Delicate

Have you ever tried to build a house of cards? While we were at the Pastor/Elder's retreat we had to try and build one. We were not allowed to talk to each other and everyone had to participate. Those where the only rules. The goal was to try and build the 'biggest' house of cards. Some groups used their water glasses as a base and continued to build the house on top of that, some folks thought biggest could mean widest. Our group won. Someone at our table folded a card in half and put it on the table, then folded another one in half to create a square. Someone followed suit and we made another square touching that one and another. Then we put a 'floor' of cards on top of them and did some more squares. It was very, very sturdy and we could have gone higher and higher if we had more than 52 cards. Our group was made up of people with the same personality type as ours, (we did a test prior to the weekend) and the point was supposed to be how you can't succeed with only people of your personality type. How we all need to work together.

Those in our group would say hogwash, we succeeded just fine on our own! (It's one of the weaknesses of our personality.) As we sat there in ruled silence I did a little introspecting on the activity. When looking at a house of cards one begins to realize how each card is needed to keep everything balanced, and should even one card be missing everything crumbles. It doesn't teeter, it doesn't totter, it falls into a heap on the floor and cannot be righted again until all of the cards are back in place.

I know that you all know me well enough to have figured out where this analogy is going. The card that has been missing for me: sleep. Prior to the Pastor/Elders retreat I had been going to bed about 9:30 to quiet down and fall asleep about 10:00. Then I had been waking up about 5:30 or 6:00. For the first time in my life! And it was so great. I got a start on things while the girls slept in the morning. I went up to wake them instead of being awoken by them. I ate a real breakfast and fueled myself in so many ways before anyone else was peeping. Then I went away for a weekend and stayed up until 1:00 each morning just hoping to hang out with the cool kids and have some conversations that I wanted to have.

Since then I haven't been going to bed until late at night and with that card out of place everything has been out of whack. The whole house has crumbled as it were. The house being me. I have an awful sore throat and such, I actually ate chocolate chip cookies for breakfast today! Out of whack indeed. The weekend doesn't show much promise of getting any sleep either, but hopefully Sunday night I'll be able to start pick up that card and start building the house again.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm still alive and once I'm sleeping I'll write many more a post about the last two weeks, which have been busy, busy, busy.

Here Fishy, Fishy, Fishy....

Well, Isabella's tank has been set up for a week now. The water is culturing but we wont be able to put fish into it until next week. I knew that could happen and I'm okay with it. Lots of folks have given us money for the fish and we're really very set and ready for them. I really like the dramatic though and was looking forward to draping a curtain over the shelf and "unveiling" the tank during her party. That wont be happening. It wont matter in the grand scheme of things, this I know. Isabella has been standing staring at the tank all week calling "Fishies, where are you??" It will still be super exciting when she calls to the fish and they're there! I can't believe my baby will be two tomorrow!

What's Going On?

I'm not sure why this week feels so insane. I am not doing anything out of the ordinary, in fact there's actually less to do because of "extreme" cold here there have been 4 snow days and when the kids don't go to school pretty much everything else shuts down as well. I've been decluttering and cleaning so we can have a house full of people for Belle's birthday, (which will probably just be a couple couples), and trying to take care of all those odds and ends that build up in life so I can focus on getting my CM business off the ground. I am taking on a few totally new projects though. None of them are all that hard but the way one is inundated with information at the beginning of any new venture is crazy. We're learning about fresh water fish, (there are going to be sharks in Isabella's tank within a few months of it being up and running!), and I'm planning a scrapbooking birthday party for next Saturday as well as my first Get Together that day as well! Busy times. Nick and I also stepped out and asked to join the leadership of the Young Married's ministry at our church which we'll be joining in a few weeks and the rest of life is just busy! Don't get me wrong I like it, but it causes some conflict. I really have been feeling God calling me to more dedicated alone time with Him and that is so hard to do in the face of so much stuff! Discipline is a hard thing to learn when you're 2 and when you're 26! I am so very tired of winter, and looking forward to summer. I know summer wont be any slower, in fact all that "free time" seems to make us busier than ever! I guess that's just the pace of life and I better get running!

Tick Tock

Nick and I had a great weekend away. I would love to sit down and tell you all about it, but life is just not slowing down! I am running like a hamster in one of those wheels today! Here's just a quick picture or two. I think our smiles say it all.

Appointments

After a few re-scheduling attempts we finally got Brooklyn in to see the doctor. Since her last appointment she went from 3.9 kg to 4.3 kg, (8lbs 9 oz to 9lbs 5 oz). I have only been feeding her 24 oz a day and she seems to be quite happy with that. The doctor said she's already on the upswing and we're going back in three weeks just to make sure she continues on the upswing. I'm sure she will. We're currently re-situating the kitchen to bring in the high chair and start soon the journey of solid foods. Good times.

Brooklyn right now has a pretty major cold. Her cough is so wretching that you can feel it hurt her and her eyes have been watering for about 24 hours. Since she was already a mess I said "Let's Go!" to the immunizations. We'll just get all the crappiness over in one fell swoop. Despite her obvious discomfort while being sick she continues to smile and coo and be a joy for all of us. I am really blessed with joyful kids.

Nick and I are eagerly anticipating our two nights away. We leave about dinnertime on Thursday and return Saturday evening. We're going to Niagra-On-The-Lake which is a very beautiful touristy town. We get to stay in a hotel which was described to me as "bring the candles". Apparently each room has a tub big enough for two. In preparation for the weekend we had to do personality tests so we could be letting God prepare our hearts for what we'll be talking about. I have an AC personality. Apparently this personality is quite dominating in such situations involving tubs big enough for two people. I will neither confirm nor deny such conclusions. We leave in 64 hours.

We're also preparing to celebrate Isabella's 2nd birthday. We're doing a fish party. Isabella loves, loves, loves fish. She can already pick them out of abstract art. On our move here we stopped at the Mall of America just to go to the Aquarium feature. She loved it. So Nick and I are paying to set up a fresh water tank and we're asking her guests to bring a fish for the tank, (we've put a list together of fish that will live well together and have the expertise of a friend with a passion for fresh water tanks). I am quite excited. We're going to make personal pan pizza's and put on Finding Nemo for the kids while the grown ups chat. I'm glad we came up with an idea because I was not looking forward to having people over for cake and presents, it's just not my style. I really like to give experiences instead of gifts, and a fish tank will lead to loads of experiences.

I'm also super in love with my future Sister-In-Law, Mary, who booked a Creative Memories Get Together next month. The first one so far. It feels very good to have one on the calendar.

I think that's all the stuff we have coming up. If I'm not on here much this week it's cuz I'm too busy counting down the minutes to the retreat. Two years is way too long to wait for time alone with Nick!

Step One: Completed

I wrote earlier today about how overwhelmed I am feeling with my new business venture. Being a to-do list person I ofcourse wrote everything out step by step, (after venting to cyberspace ofcourse), and although the list is long I find it a bit more manageable when it's in little chunks. So, I now have a website! Once I get some things going on it will look less like their template and more like me, but for now it's a great start. People can shop on it and have their orders shipped directly to their door, people can create their own Storybooks-(digital albums), and once I update it with events you can come to one if you're in the area! I put a link to it on the left sidebar here if you'd like to take a look see. If you're in to Creative Memories I highly suggest checking it out again in March as a lot of products have been discontinued and a lot of new ones introduced, (like a whole new baby line!). Now it's on to Step Two!

Overwhelmed

The boxes sat in my house for about two days before I opened them. Every time my arms reached for them to open them my heart skipped a beat. Sweat began to form on my forehead. If I open them I can't send them back. If I open them I'm taking that final step of commitment, and by opening those boxes I'm also opening up a chance to fail. So they sat there. And they sat. I began to doubt sooooo much what I chose to do. I had a meeting with the consultant I signed up through on Thursday to go through all the documents and answer any questions I may have had. So I had to open them. It was glorious. All that great stuff. I wanted to sit down and start playing. I wanted to pull out the last for years of my life that have not been documented and get going right now. I touched everything. Then I touched it again. Then I put it in piles. Then I put the piles in boxes. Then Nick came home and I took it all out again. I put it in different piles. I put it in boxes.

Then I broke out in a cold sweat. One thing that really intrigued me about the "business side" of CM is that it's advertised as moving your career at your own pace. I like moving at my own pace. I like being able to set my own goals and work towards them. I know there is a minimum purchase amount every three months, and my pace right now is to meet just the bare minimum. I mean I have two kids under the age of two and a husband who works two job. Even though it's the bare minimum it's challenging enough.

Apparently I misunderstood "at your own pace" because the pressure I'm getting is incredible. I'm supposed to write a list of everyone I know who might host a get together and call them and ask them to host one. I'm supposed to set up some workshops. I'm supposed to.....so many things. The first three months of any new business venture are apparently the most crucial so I must utilize them, I must jump in with reckless abandon. Dishes? What dishes, scrapbooking is your life now!

Don't get me wrong. I want to succeed. I really, really do. But I didn't expect to feel this overwhelmed by expectations right away. I thought I was making my own expectations. I was gearing up to do this part time right now, but I can't do what I've been asked to do on part time. Scary. And failing is such an unappealing option. I hate failing.

So, I'm off to continue feeling overwhelmed because I have childcare duties until they go down for their afternoon nap. Then in that 2 hour time span I need to cook dinner, and clean, and all kinds of stuff.

I signed up because life was going at a great pace. Everything had it's slot and it seemed like good timing. I had time to give to a new venture. Then those boxes arrived and now so much else is going on. Nothing fits in it's slot anymore and there doesn't seem to be time for anything I had going on before the boxes arrived. It's crazy.

So, I'm off to create a web site. Well it's mostly created for me I just put in my info. But it will allow people to order CM stuff through my site but have it delivered directly to their door for the same price as ordering it in my kitchen. That's pretty cool. And allow people to create their own photobooks. Online, digital photo albums. In minutes. Stitched and hardcovered. Delivered to your door. Neat eh?

As for the boxes they've been repacked and are taking up a portion of our living room. I just can't justify playing with them before I sell something. If I truly signed up to make it a business and not just get some stuff at a great price, then I must leave them there until I'm successful in some sort of way.

Really overwhelming.

One Hand in My Pocket

Ohmigosh. A few days ago I put on my favorite pair of jeans, (yes, they belong to Isabella and I put them on her) and laughed myself down the stairs. She put both of her hands in her pockets and stood at the top of the stairs for the longest time. The look of concentration on her face was priceless as she tried to figure out how to meander down the stairs with hands in pockets. Adorable.

This morning we made muffins together. For the first time. I've made other attempts to bake with Belle but the transition from pouring, to mixing, to whatever is next happens too fast for her and she gets frazzled. Until today. She did great. A few meltdowns as I was leading the process and not her, but we made it through. Then she proudly showed Nick her handiwork when he was home for lunch.

My CM stuff arrived today just as Nick was heading out the door! I am so super excited it's ridiculous. But I have chores to do and so my treasures will stay in their boxes until after the girls are in bed tonight. Such a long time to wait. The temptation is ridiculous!

We were able to find swimming lessons for Belle at a time Nick can take her, and a few exercise options for me at the Rec Center during times Nick can watch the kids. So great. I really do not have the discipline to work out at home. Hopefully taking a class will help with that last little bit of motivation I need to grab my pilates mat and not my pillow. Only time will tell. And we found babysitters to watch both girls the first weekend in March so we can go away to the Pastor's & Elder's retreat without children. We have not gone away without children since.........well before we had children. Very exciting.

All such little things, but great things. The little things are the great things!

Weekends

This weekend Nick was away. He has been at a Sr. High youth retreat. I am quite jealous that he is there and I am not, as I really do enjoy those sorts of things, but I also greatly enjoy my time alone-in my mind it's a perk of being married to a pastor as these retreats are regular events.

When we first got married I looked forward to my weekends alone to watch chick flicks and do facials without worrying he would walk through the door to see me in such a state. To eat the last piece of pizza and not even think about sharing it. To sprawl on the entire queen sized bed. I really relish my time alone. Now that we have kids it just isn't the same. There's no sleeping in until noon just cuz, or having my meals whenever the fancy strikes. Not even curling up mid afternoon with a jar of icing and a movie to make you bawl. It's a bit harder to relish such weekends when they look so much like every other day.

However, I'm not one to give up my time that easily and this weekend was a perfect balance of time for me. I did have a lot of tv shows on tape which I had hoped to watch after putting the girls to bed, but I got tired much to early to do so. A sure sign I am getting old. I had some time with friends playing cards and eating dessert, I got my facial and even got the house pretty tidy.

My major accomplishment of the weekend being that I cleaned the girls bathroom, (up until now I just spit shined the tub cuz that's all they use, and the people before us did not use the upstairs bathroom. I did not know mold could grow in a toilet!!). My major reward was a date night. I was supposed to go to a bridal shower for my cousin's fiance, but it was postponed. I kept my free babysitter and called up Ange to go to a movie.

We saw Music and Lyrics starring Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. Usually I go to a movie theatre and walk out going "meh". Often I go to a movie and walk out thinking it was an all right way to spent two hours. Sometimes I go to a movie and walk out planning to rent it once it comes out to enjoy it again. Rarely I leave a movie theatre planning to buy the movie I just saw. I will be purchasing Music and Lyrics. It was adorable. It made me laugh. We will make our husbands watch it and even though they'll kick and scream about having to watch a chick flick, I already know they'll enjoy it. In my opinion, one of the best romantic comedies in a long time. And speaking of romantic comedies my weekend sans husband is about to end perfectly with girls asleep and The Wedding Planner on TBS.

Little Note

I know I mentioned I had a follow up about Brooklyn's weight today but I moved the appointment to next Friday. I don't think there's really any concern and I had other commitments today I did not want to cancel. I know she'll have already gained weight by next friday and my doctor will most likely say looks good, just come back in a month or two. Really the only reason in my mind for the follow up is cuz the first doctor refused to immunize her at the last appointment. Just wanted to let anyone who might be looking for an update know what was up!

The Bad News

Last week we took a break from our sermon series on Romans for a Missions Sunday. It was kinda neat for me as the missionary couple that came to talk went to school with my parents. I find that one of the coolest things about having spent time in and around Bible College is that I cross paths with people over and over again throughout life. We got right back into it this week though.

This week we talked about the Good News and how you can really only know how good it is if you know the bad news. The main point of the sermon is that we're sinners, all of us, and no matter what we do on our own we cannot become holy. Even though the steps we need to follow are clearly laid out for us to follow, we can't do it without the redeming work of Christ. That's the Bad News. In order for us to appreciate the Good News we have to understand the Bad.

I must admit that this is a bit of a struggle for me in my walk with God. It's hard for me to appreciate the Good News sometimes. I actually find it hard to be wowed by what God did for me and it's because I haven't really ever understood the Bad News I don't think. I have one of those boring Christian Life stories. Knowing Christ since kindergarten and always being the good kid. I've never done anything even remotely bad. Some people have 'Paul conversion experiences', where their lives do a 180 when they accept Christ. Mine is more of a slow curve of new realizations and baby steps in become Christlike. Apathy is an easy mode to fall into when there aren't any moments to look back on and say things like: 'God saved my life right there'. If you know what I mean.

Our pastor showed us a picture of a car. It had driven through the safety rails on the side of a highway and landed fully on ground, just inches from falling into some sort of small river it looked like. You could hear the collective sigh as everyone in the room thought how lucky it was for the car to land upright and not even dinged up just beside the dip. Good News. But in order to fully appreciate the Good News we had to see the whole picture. The thing that looked like a small river or dip was actually the top few inches of a very deep canyon. If that car had landed just a few inches over it would have fallen hundreds of feet and killed everyone inside. That's the Bad News. And when you know it, the Good News is so much better. (I wish I had the picture to post here, it's really more dramatic than I can get across.)

So in Christianity the Good News is obviously that Christ came and died for us to redem us and reconcile us to God. But what's the Bad News? I'm just going to lay it out in point form and leave you to think about it.

1. We are all subtley hypocritical. (Rom 2:1-3)
-Bad News: We're all sinners and as sinners we are God's enemies.
-Good News: We have been reconciled through Christ.

2. Repentence is impossible. (Rom 2:4-5)
-Bad News: On our own we cannot repent. We cannot change the direction of our lives by ourselves, (change direction from sinners to holy).
-Good News: God transforms us from sinners by giving us a new heart/attitude.

3. God is completely impartial. (Rom 2:6)
-I missed the point here, there was a rabbit trail and then Nick asked me a question.

4. The Condemnation of the Law. (Rom 2:12ff)
-Bad News: The law condemns us and when we try to live up to it we inevitably fail.
-Good News: Jesus came to do what the law cannot.

I lept

So for Valentines day this year I got myself a lovely gift. You could even call it the gift that keeps on giving. It will be great, presents all year long, meeting new friends, nights out, Saturdays to myself-well maybe I'll have to share them with a room full of women.

I did it and signed up to be a Consultant for Creative Memories. I'm really stoked cuz now I get to help other people preserve their memories and so much other great stuff. I'm also excited because I'm not doing it as a source of reliable income. Which means I will never sit at home trying to figure out how to talk someone into buying something so I can pay the utility bill. This excites me to no end. The only dark spot is the required order amount that must be placed every three months in order to remain a Consultant. I am not totally sure I can do it, but there will be a lot of prayer behind it and I really do feel God is going to bless this venture.

I have no idea how I'm going to sit still for the next 7-14 days waiting for my stuff to arrive!!

Thanks

Thanks for your nice comments on the last post. Don't worry mom I only had a few moments of self depreciating thoughts! I really came to terms with believing that I'm the authority on my kids when Brooklyn would not eat more than four ounces at her lunch feeding today and when I forced the 6 on her this morning she spent the next two hours spitting up pools of formula. I'd much rather deal with constant comments of 'My your daughter is tiny' than worry about finding her drowned in a pile of spit up. I am not going to force 40 oz on her and I'm hoping my own doctor agrees with me on Thursday.

Oh, quick potty training question for all ya moms. We've brought out Isabella's potty and she's even peed on it once already!! How fun is that. She now pees in her diaper and then informs us that she's peed. So we take her to the bathroom and change her diaper and have her sit on the potty for a couple songs just so she gets the routine of it. My question is, is it my job to help her get to the potty before she pees in her diaper, or my job to be patient and let her get from the post pee potty sitting to the pre pee potty sitting? We're not in a rush or anything, just wanting to make sure we do our job while she does hers. I'm reading some books on it, but always looking for real mom advice. The current book I'm reading actually says: "Around three months of age, some infants can distinguish these sensations, while many toddlers have great difficulty sorting them out. {them being the urge to pee and poo}. Since disposable diapers mask wetness and obscure the cause and effect relationship between elimination and dampness, children may lose touch with their bodies over time. Start potty training your next child when he's a baby or infant." This book being The Everything Potty Training Book which I didn't think would propogandize one method but is clearly an advocate of Baby-Track Method which operates along the same idea of Pavlov's dog. If you place a basin under a baby's bum while eliminating said child will learn to eliminate only when on a basin. You can begin this method at birth so as to avoid the disposable/cloth debate. I honestly wonder where you have to live and what kind of lifestyle you have in order to make that plausible! Funny, funny times.

Thanks again for all your support! And if your child ever has to have a catheter remove urine from their bladder, leave when the nurse tells you that you can. That being said I must go attend to Isabella who has come down with a rather nasty head cold and needs an IV drip of juice. I kid I kid.

Traumatized

Yesterday was Brooklyn's four month check up. I was recalling my trip with Isabella to her four month check up and how happy I am to now have a doctor who takes me seriously. When Isabella was about 3 months old she started getting skinny. She had never been a good breastfeeder, her latch was great but her attention span was non-existent. After many a days of doubting my abilities to mother I switched her to formula. Just after making the decision we headed in for her four month check up and she had last almost a pound since her second month check up. I had so many questions for my doctor. I felt so dumb. Isabella did sqwack a fair bit and I knew she was hungry but I tried to follow advice and persevere at breastfeeding so as not to be judged, and in doing so had harmed my child. How could I be so dumb I thought. So I went to my doctor for answers. He looked at me, told me someone had measured her wrong at 2 months cuz no baby loses a pound. It just doesn't happen. I knew she had lost weight, she had always been lean but I could count her ribs! I disregarded my doctor and decided I could no longer stick it out in breastfeeding land, I would just accept my F and move on. Isabella began to eat and eat and eat. The pictures of her transformation from long and lean in June to a virtual basketball in August are incredible.

Since Brooklyn was born I have been stressed about her weight too. I try not to be cuz my kids will be smaller than others, but it's hard. To be the 10th percentile mom in a 90th percentile world is hard. The other day I was saying to Nick how excited I am because Brooklyn actually feels heavier to me than she did a month ago. She has 5 really wet diapers a day and a bowel movement too. She eats her bottle and then she smiles and coos. She's a happy camper until she eats again 3 hours later. She does like to be rocked to sleep and gets a bit whiny, but definitely not the hungry wail I get if I accidently sleep in. I was definitely stoked to just have a small child.

Then I went to visit the doctor. My doctor was out sick for the first time in 15 years and I had to see another guy I've never met. We weighed Brooklyn and she was looking around all bright eyed and smiling at everyone. She had eaten about 2.5 hours ago and she was still a content child. We put her on the scale and weighed her once, twice, three times. Then the nurse said, it's possible someone measured her wrong last time as the scale is tricky to read but just ask. So the weight was mentioned and then the doctor looked her over. She has not had any feavers or illnesses. She is happy all the time. She can almost sit up by herself, she rolls from back to tummy all the time, and even all the way over a few times already. She has the greatest smile too. Then we get to the weight issue. The doctor asks me how much I feed her and I tell him. He looks at me kind like, 'and she's happy after she eats?', are you sure? And the thing is I'm very sure because living in paranoia small baby owner land I constantly ask people after she eats if she looks content. I'm constantly running through a dialogue in my head of 'is that hungry or is she exploring her hands?'. I take this very seriously. He does the rest of her exam, she's completely healthy and then he checks out her girlie parts. He says there's an odor he noticed when changing her diaper. I stopped to think, an odor, an odor. There is a smell that accompanies an incredibly full of pee diaper, but it's always there. So if it's emitted from her body it's been there since day one an a completely consistent basis I respond. Then the doctor leaves the room.

He returns later with another doctor who is usually in the clinic who sits down and looks at me with that patronizing look that says: 'all women should have to get a degree before becoming parents, and you my dear would have failed.' Then we recount to the ounce what she's eating. Tricky to do with a breastfeed baby. I missed the day where they implant the ounce counter beside my nipple. But I could tell that Brooklyn had not been totally full at a few feeds and had been trying to get her to re-latch and eat longer and was really giving it all the effort in the world. Still, there had become a few feeds where she would eat and then I'd give her a few ounces of formula and those feeds had become all her feeds and then she was just wanting the bottle so I gave it to her and as of Saturday she had been just bottle fed formula. (There I said it. I have a formula fed baby.) So I knew that as of Saturday she was eating 20 ounces a day. Now for all of you with healthy children you can stop reading, or you can pick your jaw up off the floor or whatever, I'm sure anonymous you'll have something wonderfully witty to say about that. She is such a content baby. You've all see the smiles and that's what I get all day. She sleeps solid 12 hours a night she is great and happy and otherwise healthy.

The doctor continues to look down his nose at me and tells me I need to DOUBLE the amount she eats. She needs to be getting 40 ounces a day. And he would like me to swing by the hospital right now for further tests. I can't I reply. I will not have a vehicle until 5:00. Then he gets the 'oh I'm talking to a poor person' tone and says 'well then how did you get here?'. Like my car was in the parking lot but I would not use it to take my kid to the hospital after he's just told me she could be sick. I walked over I replied. Oh he says. Well then go right at 5:00 I'll call the hospital, they'll be expecting you. (I should intergect that because of the 'odor' the first doctor smelled they thought she might have a chronic urinary tract infection causing the weight loss.) Feeling sufficiently retarded that I had kids before I won the lottery, and wondering how I could be so stupid as to actually think my child was happy and doing well. He further went on to tell me I would have to be closely monitored until Brooklyn was back on the growth chart at a satisfactory place. (yes I would have to be monitored, not Brooklyn). I did my best to hold back stinging tears, repeating my new mantra 'you're not a bad mom, just having a bad day' and gathered up my toddler who had missed her nap while sitting in the office and did not want to leave. I got home, called Nick to tell him he had to come straight home. I put the kids down for a nap.

I went to the hospital thinking they were ready for me to come. I was sent to emergency and filled out the paper work. Then I had to sit among puking kids who were all dealing with major cases of the flu. I sat there for 3 hours. They finally took us back and sent me away while they did Brooklyn's test. I could have stayed but it was going to be traumatizing if I did. They inserted a catheter into my baby to take urine from her bladder to test. I went to call Nick with an update and use the bathroom myself and when I came back she was screaming so loudly and looked so scared even though the test had been done for a few minutes. Poor girl. Then I waited another hour for the tests to come back. I had tried to give her her last bottle of the day, trying to figure out how to get her to eat 8 ounces instead of her usual 4. She just wouldn't have it. At four she would spit it out and though I tried for an hour to get her to eat more she just sat there with it in her mouth not even sucking. The doctor finally came back, (after I was traumatized listening to an 11 year old get stitches without freezing and not by his choice), and said there's nothing abnormal in her urine, and because she's obviously so healthy he's not going to subject her to the blood panel the doctors suggested.

What a day. I just wonder how I could have messed up so bad as to not realize she was eating HALF of what was necessary. I actually thought she was thriving and happy and healthy. I thought I was listening to her cues and although I had to suck my pride back and fail again at breastfeeding I was willing to do it so she would eat. I was getting all geared up for adding cereal this month and then the fruits and veggies and day dreaming about family dinners with both my kids. It was such a tramatizing day. I go back on Thursday to see my family doctor and we'll see what he has to say. And I wonder, will this happen with Baby #3 as well? Am I just a bad breastfeeder although everything goes well minus the length of time my kids will eat for? Is there something wrong with me?

It might be silly but I'm really not looking forward to Brooklyn going from long and lean to basketball. Just like I am bombarded every day with models and how I should look to feel beautiful, the basketball represents to me the same thing for babies. What if I just have smaller kids, or does no one really have petite babies?

OEYC

Just down the street from us there is a great building. It's called the Ontario Early Years Center. I had been told about it as soon as we moved to Georgetown but had never ventured down to it. I'm not sure why, just one of those good intentions I never got around to. Until Saturday. Nick is in the midst of two very busy months which greatly limits the amount of time he has to spend with the girls and with it being the middle of winter everyone is a little cramped from being in our space so much. A couple Thursdays ago I went to check out the OEYC with my friend and we were wowed by what it had to offer. So on Saturday there was a family drop in time. It's super neat because you go with your kids for free and enjoy the activities but there is no structure until the last 15 minutes. You just get to let your child lead and play. There is a regular drop in time on Mondays that I'll be taking the girls too which will be very fun for Isabella, not so much for Brooklyn. But once or twice a month they also have open Saturdays so Nick can play with one girl and me the other. There is a special infant room Brooklyn will greatly enjoy, but Isabella is much too big for it, a successful trip to the OEYC with two kids in separate age groupings is really a two parent trip. Anyway, we had a great time. Isabella rode around on Little Tykes tractors, climbed up slides and down the stairs leading to them, (isn't she quirky?), played with a water table, a sand box and even painted a picture. At the end of the time all the parents and kids get together in a circle for about 15 minutes and sing action songs. Nick glared at me when it started with that 'you-knew-I-would-have-to-sing-and-left-that-part-out-on-purpose' look, which in all honesty I did not know. Even though he was a tad embarassed because he didn't know the songs he warmed up to helping Isabella learn the actions cuz we don't know the songs either! I was so very excited about the next family drop in on February 24th, only to find out it's for DADS ONLY! Humph. But Nick said he would go and has alredy started to invite his other daddy friends. I'm so glad I took the walk down there it's definitely a great resource!

Smart Popper

Today's topic will be: Ten Reasons My World is Better cuz Isabella is in it.

1. The other day out of nowhere she started singing 'Jesus Loves Me' along with me, and she knew all the words.

2. She honestly thinks the movie is called 'Cinderbella'.

3. In the middle of playing she'll just stop to give me a kiss or a hug or pause with a thoughtful look on her face and say 'Poppa at work.' as if to remind herself he'll be home.

4. She can already tell when I need a hug or am having a bad day and asks if I'm all right.

5. She loves the nursery and does not fuss when she goes there, and then sleeps soundly for hours in the afternoon.

6. She is the only kid with no interest in watching Dora the Explorer. Therefore giving me the perfect excuse to watch and enjoy kids television.

7. She loves to help out with Brooklyn whenever she can. Which means I'm not wondering what she's flushing down the toilet while I tend to her little sister.

8. She is very obedient.

9. The perfect day for her involves a box of raisins, Big Comfy Couch and a bath. Seriously if I could play BCC on a continuous loop until bed time, she would be in heaven. Yay for low maintenance!

10. Her smile and giggle are infectious, genuine and untainted by anything I have going on.

Ponderings

I've been looking into the finer details of becoming a CM Consultant lately. Just making sure I understand the financial side of doing small business from my home. There have been many a moment of feeling like I'm way too inadequate to do it, followed by moments where it seems that my over-organization perfectly suits me for the task.

While considering these things and navigating my way around government web sites I took a break to work on some photos I took of Brooklyn earlier this week. I put her in the center of the room facing the wrong way as the light source is behind her. Leaving these pictures looking like black boxes before I started playing with them. I'm still a beginner when it comes to photo-editing and these are actually the first attempts that I've saved.

All of the photos are really grainy when I go to change them, and that got me thinking that being able to write off a new camera sounds like a pretty sweet deal. I think I can handle the accounting type aspect of working from home. I think I might talk with a few other folks who work from home first, but I think I just need to jump in and get started. I just need a good system, and systems are my forte. Hopefully I'll get my guts before the end of the month. I'll keep you posted.

They're Baaaack

My life is now complete. My favorite Reality TV 'celebrities' are returning to my weekly viewing schedule. I already have goosebumps. I am so stoked to watch the Marianos race around the world in Amazing Race 11: All Stars. I'm hoping they win already. I'll be cheering for them from day one. February 18, 2007 cannot come fast enough!!

Any other Amazing Race fans? Maybe we should have a pool, and we can pick our favorites to win and there could be some kind of prize, something small to send in the mail?? Or maybe I'm the ony one who has hung around 11 seasons of racing.

And Survivor: Fiji is starting up I think this Thursday. I'm pretty excited about that one too. One camp of luxury, one camp of the ol' Survivor way. I think it's going to be neat. I like how they're switching up the teams. It will be much harder to come up with excuses not to do things once someone from the 'under privileged' camp wins!

The Reality TV trend really took off and went a lot of crazy places. I really am not up to date on what the current cool reality shows are, but I love these two, (Amazing Race and Survivor), you can bet I'll be tuning in each week!

Yada Yada Yada

I am finding it quite difficult to write on this blog just for the sake of writing. I am not sure what it is but posting pictures of Isabella sitting around or talking about what I ate for lunch are suddenly uninteresting even to me! I guess it could be because of all the real things going on here. Not that Isabella sitting and lunch aren't real, but there is just a new level of realness in life lately.

Our small group meets on Thursday evenings and it used to be most of us listening to one or two others talk. Over the Christmas break something changed and now we all talk a tonne. We have been watching the NOOMA video series. So far we've watched 'Rain' and 'Sunday'. It got us talking for real about the real struggles of being Christians. Like what you do when you're in a storm of life, or how fake we sometimes feel church is.

At LMO I joined a group doing a study called "Conversation Peace". It was commercialed as a study for ladies who find themselves gossiping too much or not using much Christian language. I decided to join it because I was feeling a great sense of inadequacy when it comes to expressing what I'm really feeling. Like I use severely negative language for only merely upsetting circumstances or the like. I also thought it might help flip a switch on my internal dialogue. The first week we learned a very interesting fact: the average woman says 48,000 words each day! I was so happy when Nick genuinely said, "Um, have you said that many words since I've known you?". (Okay maybe that's not exactly what he said but he did tell me I don't talk that much and maybe I should talk some more). The little snippet to take away from the first lesson was that your tongue determines where you go. "Hi Amanda? Yeah this is God speaking. If you want to get from point A to point B start talking like you're already there." Point taken. I missed this week's lesson as the girls slept until 9:30am!! I'm learning a lot there though and wont miss more weeks.

Plus Nick is continuing to give me Thursday afternoons to spend with Angela, he is back in the throes of Alliance History and Thought which always brings about deep discussions. And some of our fervor for the ministry has returned to us. It seems that as soon as I had the courage to press into deeper conversations with people, God blessed me immensely through what they had to share. In my post "Embarassed No More" I think I came across as wondering where the material and financial blessings were in my life and feeling kinda gyped that I didn't see them. What I meant was that I wasn't feeling any internal blessings, (like energy and confidence and perseverance), and I really felt I was alone in that. But, in the last week I have had so many people share with me the real side of their lives, and that is so encouraging to me!

So, I know I'm not unique in not blogging each day, but I thought I would join the ranks of explaining why not. And as a little aside, if you have access to a group of Christian friends and you want to take your relationship to a deep level, I highly suggest watching the NOOMA videos together. They're very short and put together kinda like music videos. They come with question booklets but really the questions and sharing and discussion just flow out of you. A really, really great non-intrusive way of getting to know the REALNESS of the christian life as lived by your friends!!