Saturday, October 07, 2006

Feeling like a Dork.

Waiting for our new bundle of joy to arrive has pretty much consumed life at our house. Every time Nick walks into a room he looks at me and says "Are you in labor yet?". And everytime I politely tell him that if he asks me one more time I will hurt him. He knows it's an empty threat because he keeps asking and I keep gritting my teeth and saying politely, "Really, I'll let you know."

While waiting for Belle to be born we got really impatient. When I was 5 days overdue they put me on the list for an induction. I then had to wait until a bed was open in the hospital I had chosen to deliver at. It took 7 more days, and each one sucked big time. Getting up in the morning hoping against hope that the call would come and going to bed each night without it was hard. But about 5 days into the wait, (so I was 10 days overdue by then), we decided to go in for an NST. I wasn't totally worried as the babe was still moving around, but I was secretly hoping that merely showing up in the hospital would be the miracle needed for a bed to be there for me. No such luck. We went home, we crawled under the covers, we bawled. Just the feeling of total helplessness, there really was nothing I could do to bring this baby into the world. I felt like I was a broken woman, like there was honestly a part of me that didn't work right.

So I was determined to not go into the hospital unless I KNEW I was in labor, or for a scheduled induction. I don't like feeling like I'm broken. But today I woke up and there was absolute stillness in my womb. The last three weeks has been a 24 hour performance of Cirque De Soleil in there, but this morning nothing. And when I started to poke and prod this little one hoping to spring it to action, all I got was a little half hearted nudge. I started to get sad. I started to think I really am broken and this time it has cost a life. So, I swallowed all my pride and we called around to find someone to hang out with Belle and went in for the NST. This time we really just wanted assurance that our baby was okay, no hidden motivations. I got into the bed and they hooked me all up and had me drink some juice. I forgot that the test took an hour. My doctor would be coming to check on me and he was en route from the Sick Children's Hospital in Toronto. So we just waited.

It was such a relief the minute they hooked up the fetal monitor and I could hear that little heartbeat. The baby would move and the heartbeat would become faint as it's heart moved away from the monitor and Nick would freak a bit. But we knew everything was all right. It took just that few moments to let me know all was okay, but I had to stay there for the hour. I instantly felt guilty. Guilty for calling my doctor away from a genuinely sick child, guilty for having someone interrupt their saturday to look after Belle, guilty for having Nick go through the emotions he was experiencing. The baby's movements still aren't as "circussy" as I have been feeling, but my doctor assured me that the strip the computer emitted was definitely looking like Cirque De Soleil and it wont be long until our little one is here.

I'm still totally sure I'll be induced, and after my doctor's appointment on Tuesday I'll know when. It is still so hard to wait, but it's nice to know that everything is still okay. And what a great weekend to be reminded of how thankful I am for the opportunity to be a mom, and a wife, and to experience the even not-so-happy times of pregnancy so I can be there for others in hard times.

Happy Thanksgiving!


Robyn said...

Thank goodness everything is ok!Please don't feel like a dork, the whole point of having that monitoring is so they can check things out if it seems a bit "iffy". You definitely did the RIGHT thing. I hope the time until you are cuddling your baby goes quickly. Waiting is miserable.

Elizabeth said...

So glad that everything turned out to be alright. It's a real letting go to be prego. Good luck in these last days!

Angella said...

You did the right thing by going in - you knew it was a different feeling.

I'm really hoping, praying, pleading that you hurry up and go into labour on your own!

You must just make a real cozy place to live :)

karen said...

Amanda, your most important job right now is to make sure that you have a healthy baby, and if that means that something doesn't feel quite right and you want it checked, do it!!! That's what NST's are for! Anyways, I'm so glad to hear that everything's ok and I agree, overdue SUCKS!! I was overdue with both of mine, and I know the "YOU'RE still here??" looks that you get from EVERYBODY. Believe me, you're probably the one who wants the baby out most of all! :) Fortunately, there is an end in sight, and you will be holding that baby soon!

Here's to a quick and easy labour! I'll be thinking of you.

Amanda said...

You should never feel guilty about doing everythiing you can to make sure your baby is safe. Avelyn's movements really slowed down in the last days and I was constantly freaking out. Hearing that heartbeat is the sweetest sound of relief.
And, I have a message for baby Franks:
Baby, your momma is tired. Come out now. Like, really. In the next 5 minutes. Thanks. :)

Michelle said...

I was 3 weeks overdue with Jen, Amanda. They weren't so big on inducing back in the olden days. I read a profound line in a novel once that has stuck with me. "Baby come when ready". Where have those days gone. I Know how you feel, as I felt the same way. Looking back you will find it silly to have worried so much about such a small number of days. chin up.