*Postscript: This is not a pity party post and I think it's come out more melodramatic and sad then I wanted it to. It's just a thought I've been pondering and curious on the outlook of others.
I have been wondering about my ideal life lately. Is the ideal all I make it out to be or does it just seem so good cuz it's not what I have right now? I have been wondering about ideals lately. I've been wondering if they're worth the pursuit.
When I daydream I see an ideal life for me. I know how many kids I'd like to have, the type of house and the plot of land I'd like it on, the sort of city and the daily things I would do. I see people's faces from my past and present that amalgomate in my daydreams into my ideal life even though I know that for sure that part of ideal will not happen.
Somedays I just daydream about this life, and some days I sit at my computer researching how to get there. But recently I was faced with the reality of having to let my daydreams go. I have to be open to not living what I consider ideal. I know that I could spout a bunch of lip service about how as long as I'm in God's will my life will be perfect for me regardless of how much it looks like my ideals, but I'm not into lip service. The truth is I'm fairly attached to my ideal.
The last two years have been a rollar coaster that have left us in a bit of a low. Now I would tell you how low, but it involves money and no one talks for real about money, so I'll just leave you to wonder how low that low is. It's also a real physical and emotional low. Not because we're sad and unhappy and miserable in our life, but because grad does not symbolize the end of the road for us, it's just a turn to another longer road and we're tired from the first trek! It's hard to get up your gumption for the turn when you're still exhausted from the last leg. I know for a fact I would not make it as a triathelete.
Last month we paid off one of Nick's student loans. I have no idea how much it was to begin with as he's been paying it off since before we were married and sucks at keeping important papers, but we received that glorious letter where the line reading "balance owing" is $0.00. We put it on our bulletin board and looked at it every now and then dream of paying a mortgage and not rent, of owning a car instead of leasing it, of having a house full of the family we dream of.
And for a moment the road looks a bit shorter and we keep on going. But then you see how long it really is and you start to wonder, is the road worth traveling? Is the ideal all I make it out to be or does it just seem so good cuz it's not what I have right now? I have been wondering about ideals lately. I've been wondering if they're worth the pursuit.