Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The Ebb and Flow

I find that there really is an ebb and flow to life. There are very busy times, and there are times when you wish there were things to do. There are times when you feel on top of the world and there are times when you feel like you're underneath it. I like to pretend that I'm a stable and level headed person but as I've been reflecting these last few days I find that I really am more of a rollar coaster. There are times when I'm completely dependable, times when I'm a bit more fairweater; times when I am full of energy, times when I am completely exhausted; times when I'm batting a thousand and times when I can't remember how to hold a bat. Perhaps it's because I'm a woman. Perhaps it's because I"ve been pregnant for 25 of the last 38 months. Perhaps it's becuase I am striving to live like Christ, and that's a rollar coaster for any human!

I'm not sure the reason but I know I find myself longing for even keeledness. For there to be a real level to my days, events, activities, life change. It's hard to go through mountains and valleys for an elongated period of time. Sometimes though I wonder if I've gotten so used to being on a rollar coaster that I tend to create my own bumps and dips.

We have had an awesome summer, really. There are a lot of things we haven't been able to do that we wanted to, but we did so many other things. We have been running on a rushed pace, but that's just what our life is like right now. It's good, because really the life of a pastor and family does not know a slow season.

We took a family day this week and didn't go to church on Sunday, instead we spent it at the ballpark. It was great, but like so many times it seems the week we missed Church was a week we really needed to be there to hear what God was imparting through our pastor. Friends of ours told us about the sermon and I am really looking forward to downloading it once it's posted online, (our church is awesome like that). According to our sources, (who are very reliable), the sermon was about being fully reliant on the Holy Spirit and what that looks like in the life of a Christian. (And yes, he's still working through the book of Romans).

I have yet to hear the wisdom, but I am sure that it is part of the key to being even keeled. I know I say a lot that I need to rely on the power of God and not my own, I know I pray for strength during tough times, it really isn't lip service for me, I do take it seriously. But, I can't say I've know what it's like to live fully reliant on Him. If I did life wouldn't really be a rollar coaster. Sure it would be full of events, some more exciting and some not so much; but I think you can tell the people who live fully reliant on the Spirit because they have joy all the time. You can just see peace in their eyes and joy in their hearts.

I think this is a key thing for me right now. The more I hang out with younger babies the more I wonder how on earth I am going to be able to be a good mom to three children under the age of three! The more days that go by without work and I begin to stress about bills, I begin to doubt in God's providance for us. The busier our lives get the less time there is to just be, and that wears a body out.

I was looking back on some old posts and experiences and really feeling the cyclicalness of my life. Another major life change on the horizon, another period of not knowing where the money is coming from. Another time of feeling far from my priorities. There must be a lesson there I'm just not getting, but I think that each time the test is put before me I handle it a bit more maturely. I really am growing and that's encouraging.

For the last two days the weather has been grey and overcast, my favorite! We are going up north to spend a night at my grandparent's trailer which is something I enjoyed so much as a kid and now get to share with my kids. Nick and I actually have a date night planned for Sunday evening, (a virtually free date night because of some generous people at our church!), I've been turning the tv off more and even though I haven't had work to keep my busy I've been doing the other stuff in life I should be, (as opposed to eating bon bons and watching 'stories' all day). To me that makes things feel more even keeled, what I really want. Although I could create a dip out of the current situation I don't have any desire to and I hope that when people see me they are noticing the joy in my heart and the journey toward peace and rest in the Spirit.


Elizabeth said...

It's good to hear your last comments, that you are aspiring that people look at you and see an eagerness to rest in the Lord's Spirit. As always, I wish you all the best in your journey and think of you often.

Kim said...

I think you've got it! Everything we go through IS meant to help us grow more like Christ and teach us the way God really wants his children to live in this world - knowing that though it appears that Satan has the upper hand, he really has no power except that which we allow him and our journey is toward allowing him no power in our lives. But remember that no matter how hard we try, we will not be perfect while on this temporary soil - and that is where we find our joy. This is a temporary home, where things are not always as we want them to be, and our permanent home is with Christ, in a mansion where there is no more strife and pain but only love and joy.

So remember not to be too hard on yourself - you suffer from the effects of a fallen human condition where hormones and outside forces cause us stress and occassional days where we forget where joy comes from. Resting in the Spirit is something God welcomes you to come back to at any time - just as soon as you realize that you aren't there. And all He asks is that we remember Him and come back as soon as we are able.

I think you are doing incredibly well at this whole Christian journey you are on - and I'm sure God is quite proud of you too!

Love you a ton!

Lamb said...

Amanda, I totally agree with your mom.
Just ask any mature(older) person and if they are honest they will tell you the same thing. I still go through ups and downs and I am 62! Now, though, they are more even keeled that when we were younger.

I used to have the same feelings as you. I would try so hard to be the perfect wife and mother only to realize that is not what God wanted or what my family needed. If the housework doesn't get done, so what? Your relationship with your family is so much more.

Don't worry and please don't compare yourself to others. That was a big mistake of mine and it took a long time to stop. You are you, just the way God made you. You are special and exactly what your family needs.

We are all in school and there are always lessons to learn over and over. As humans we sometimes need more than one go at learning something.

Love and hugs