So a while ago I let everyone in on the inner debate/conversation that is running through my head as I work on becoming a content SAHM. Before I found out I was pregnant with Baby #3 we had a plan in motion for us to continue taking baby steps from where we are in life to where we want to be. I find that there is tension in our home and I would be lying if I said it had nothing to do with where we fall in the class/economic system of Canada. However, the tension doesn't come because we feel we're poor or that we live without so many worldly things. The tension comes because both of us are result oriented people with goals in mind. The tension is created when we aren't moving at the pace we want to be towards those goals.
In an effort to continue moving ourselves towards where we want to be our plan had been for me to return to work. Part time nights stocking in one of the 7,(yes our small town has 7), local grocery stores. I would work three nights a week, all of those nights preceeding days that Nick has off so that our children would be taken care of and we wouldn't have to find childcare. I was actually looking forward to returning to work. Not somuch the 'nights' part, but returning to work did excite me. I like knowing that I would be contributing to us getting where we want to be.
Then I found out I was pregnant and with pregnancy came the exhaustion. I've been tired before; but nothing compares with how tiring pregnancy is. I didn't see any way that I could work nights for the next 6 months. It just wasn't a possibility anymore. Then we started considering my working during the day, which also is not a possibility for a lot of reasons.
Around the time that Nick and I were searching for a solution I met a lady who challenged me. She asked me if I had to work. Could we still pay our bills if I didn't work? Could we still put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads? She challenged me that if we could perhaps it wasn't right for me to work. At that time, (and still), Nick was struggling with being over stretched between all of his work responsibilities. This lady challenged me that perhaps now was the time for me to take being at home seriously, as my job, to see myself as a 'career mom'. We had a great conversation that day and at the end she said to talk it over with Nick and ask him to tell me what he felt as the leader of our family.
I left it with Nick and he began to pray and seek out God on the issues at hand. I tried to get sold out to being at home, and you all know how that's going! At this point in time I don't know if God wants me to work or to be a 'career mom'. I've had several conversations with a good friend of mine who has added another perspective to the debate/conversation.
When it comes down to it for me it's a trust issue. Am I trusting God in my actions to take care of my family? It's not an easy question to answer because it depends on your definition of trust. Some would say that trusting God in this circumstance would be to be a good steward of our income and trust God to provide all we need. Trust would be waiting for those mysterious anonymous cheques in the mail to help us get ahead. Some would say that trust in this circumstance would have nothing to do with money right now but with trusting God to provide energy to do what we need to do.
So it comes down to "let go and let God" or taking action as the choice.
With all that being said another part in the conversation is what would make me happy? As I related before I really like the benefits of working. I really like moving forward in life, no matter how small the steps are.
I checked out Monster.ca today just on a whim to see if there were even any work-from-home jobs listed. (oh my goodness the jobs if you're willing to invest and possibly be taken by a scammer!). I found one good job. A job I would actually love to do. I applied for it. It was posted on June 26th so I'm not sure if I'll get it, but it was for multiple positions.
I really want this to pan out! Even though I know it will then bring on the inner debate/conversation about work/family balance. It's really something I want and because of how I'm wired I know that finding an at home job will make me a better mother, a better wife, a better friend.
Hopefully I'll have the patience to find the perfect fit, and not just jump on the first opportunity.