Thursday, August 21, 2008

Wrong Side of the Tracks

When I arrived in Georgetown I didn't feel like my life was perfect at all. I had created certain expectations in my mind, and not a single strand of life here was living up to those expectations.

As the new kid in town I figured people would be calling me up, inviting me out for coffee and over for dinner, (surely everyone would want to know me!); we had found a house to rent, a house- not a basement suite, surely it would be glorious, (I wont even go into how I feel about this house); Nick was coming back where everyone knew his name and wanted to aid him in succeeding in life, look out countless blessings!

Let me take my foot out of my mouth for a moment and state for the record that we have been blessed beyond measure since arriving here. However, my Greatest Flaw spent the first year of our G-town experience in fine form.

Life had worn me out; physically, mentally, emotionally. I just wanted to revert to being small and have someone take care of me all the time.

I wanted new friends, but I didn't want to make the effort of the first invite.

I wanted deep relationships, but I didn't want to be vulnerable first.

I wanted to be blessed, but I didn't want to do the work of being a blessing.

And yet at the same time I did, I just wanted it all to be easy. I wanted to live reactively instead of proactively. I just wanted to move onto Easy Street for a little bit.

I wasn't myself when we first got here. I was lazy, apathetic, moody, and painfully shy. I chose to do the least amount of anything possible, I whined, I cried. I met the worst version of myself and although I didn't like her company, being with her was easy.

Then one day the switch flipped. I've been trying to figure out exactly when it happened, but haven't been a very disciplined journaler as of late and so can't put my finger on it. But I woke up and I felt rested, rejuvenated. I was ready to be me again. Being who you are is hard sometimes. We live in an incredibly critical world. But becoming who you are after being someone you are not is almost impossible. First impressions are so hard to re-write. I don't have any regrets in life, save this, choosing to be selfish instead of putting my best foot forward in August 2006.


Bloggy Mama said...

Amanda, your honesty is heart-warming. So glad that you flipped the switch.

Lamb said...

Amanda, you have flipped the switch that a lot of people don't ever even find. God has given you the wisdom to do this.
I think that most of us want deep relationships and forget that to have a friend we have to be a friend first. After all didn't God want a deep relationship with us and who made the first move there???

Sometimes it takes a lifetime for us to learn that lesson. You learned it when you are young.


Jen said...

Good for you for somehow finding that switch and flipping it!

Amanda said...

Great to see the self realization. It has motivated me to blog about my oversensitivity since I've had my kids. I think as you said it is hard to change, but it sure is good to get back to your real self! Blessings on you my sister in Christ.