The Pheonix I Am

For Consideration

2011-01-08T12:32:00.000-08:00

In my last post I mentioned choosing 12 facets of domesticity to focus on this year. I've been stuck thinking about them all week. I plan to choose one each month to focus on, but I'm not sure I even know what to consider. This post is really a brain spew. Feel free to let me know what you think I should add/delete on the list. It's a work in progress.

1. Routines/Schedules
How routined do we need to be? How can we achieve balance? Some routines are good, some need tweaking, some need to be invented. We have a pretty solid weekly schedule, but what about those things that need to be done once a month, or every season?

2. Family Fun
When to splurge? Ideas for free family fun? Being fun when I don't feel like it? Individual fun/ extracurricular activities?

3. Family Fun
How to do more with less? Where are the coupons/deals? My least favourite job.

4. Chores
When to do what? Who does what? How to keep it up in extra busy times? Rewards for chores?

5. Gardening
I would like to attempt this. Flower, herbs, idiot proof veggies. I have a black thumb, is it even worth it?

6. Finances
Planning all year long for the money-suck months? Doing more with less? Allowances? Reducing debts? Saving for the future?

7. Education
How do I keep 'teaching' at home? Are they learning what they should? Am I involved in the kids' academic journeys? What about the adult's education?

8. Faith
Is our faith lived out at home? Are we purposeful in sharing what we believe with our kids? Do we capitalize on Easter and Christmas? Am I being sensitive to their questions?

9. Memory Keeping
This is important to me. How do I include the kids and Nick? Making time? Am I organized? Do I have systems to stay organized? How am I remembering what the pictures can't tell? How do I get all those pictures sorted, printed and stored?

10. Holidays
What do we celebrate? When? What are our traditions?

11. Busy times
My job takes over four months a year, how do we stay steady and consistent?

12. Healthy Lifestyle
Am I investing in all aspects of our health? Are we doomed to become a statistic? What do I even need to think about.

I like lists. Even when they're just lists of non-coherent though processes. Now where to go from here?

Welcome 2011

2011-01-03T11:32:00.000-08:00

For the past 18 months or so I've been saying, mostly to myself, that 2011 is the year I become a Domestic Diva. As I was saying this to myself I pictured a spotless house, gourmet meals, "perfect" children, an always happy hubby and myself (only skinnier, prettier and well, better).

Now that 2011 has arrived it's time to take that abstract idea and turn it into a reality. While striving to be Martha Stewart, Betty Crocker, June Cleaver and Brooke Burke is all well and good, I think I need to define my mission so I'm not striving to be any one other than myself....only better.

I turned to an online dictionary, because that's the best place to start defining something, right!?! The definitions for "domestic" and "diva" were rather disappointing in terms of what I needed:

Domestic: Devoted to home life or domestic affairs

Diva: One who behaves as a goddess

Goddess: A woman of extraordinary beauty; a greatly admired or adored woman

These definitions haven't helped me produce an outline for my 2011 mission, but they have made clear my challenge. Becoming devoted to laundry and toilet scrubbing is going to take effort. And furthermore devoted to "home life" is not my strength either. I don't suffer from the travel bug, but I'd much rather spend the majority of my time on the other side of my front door (which might have something to do with the pile of stuff on this side of it...). And a goddess I am not, and I have accepted that I never will be by human standards, perhaps a little work on my inner beauty isn't a bad thing, and being admired for my character is a worthy goal as long as my pride stays in check.

So, I'm going to pick 12 facets of domesticity, learn about them through the month and at the end of the month give myself a challenge to work on/grow in.

And this, my oh-so-neglected blog will be my head space for the journey. Where I can send questions to all my readers (if you're still there!) and share all my insights (please be gentle when you tell me that you can't believe I'm just 'getting that').

What areas of domesticity do you wish you were better equipped for? Or knew how to do better? Who is the Domestic Diva in your life?

Welcome to 2011.

Our Annual Family Letter

2010-12-27T17:31:00.000-08:00

2010

Tonight I am considering two thoughts; Luke 2:19: "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." and the unfortunate event that my hard drive died and is holding hostage thousands of pictures I cannot share with you.

It causes me to pause when I consider that Mary knew Jesus was the Son of God and that he was quite literally on loan to her. It's a bit awe-inspiring to think of how his birth was announced to her and that she heard so many prophetic utterances about him before she even saw his face. It makes my heart sad that once Jesus started alluding to his death Mary knew her days to hug him and tell him she loved him were numbered.

I wonder if this knowledge made Mary wise enough in her young age to let the little things slide and spend as much time with Jesus as she could? I wonder if knowing her time to 'mother' would be cut short enabled her to enjoy all the little things? I wonder what it was like for her to see him creating worlds in the sand and then change the world on the cross?

Maybe you've wondered those things too, and now you're wondering what my hard drive has to do with Mary?

Just as the Bible shows us snippets of Mary and Jesus' life, there are parts of our lives that everyone gets to see; the kind of stuff that makes it into the family Christmas letter. We don't know much of anything about Mary, Joseph and Jesus' mundane everyday life. Yet we all know that the major milestones in life are really the culmination of a bunch of little moments. And I think that Mary knew that too. Even though the major events in Jesus life would be told over and over, she had a VIP pass to the behind-the-scenes moments that supported them.

That's what 2010 was for us. We had two major milestones; Brooklyn started school and we moved to a new house. But if that's all I shared this would be a very short letter. Our mundane everyday doesn't seem noteworthy, so I probably would have filled this page with pictures and an accompanying story or two, but I can't go about writing this letter that way as my hard drive hasn’t made his demands know.

After I lamented that fact I began to embrace my 2010 as I think Mary may have embraced being Jesus' mother, treasuring all the things she would experience and not be able to adequately share. Like the way your child's laughter makes gloomy days brighter; the way answering a million questions gives you a new perspective. How love becomes simple in the mind of a child and adventure never ends in their imagination.

Having a year lacking in major milestones and being without the pictures I wanted to share has reminded me to cherish the little moments and be grateful I experienced them. The truth of the matter is that every moment means as much as every milestone because each day is to be cherished.

Now, I'm not going to stop taking pictures and I hope that next year I'll share many of them in our letter, but the process will be new for me as I'll see each moment captured in picture as a fragment of the mural of our life.

We hope that this Christmas season finds you surrounded by family and friends you love; enjoying and treasuring as many moments as you possibly can, the big ones and little ones alike.

Merry Christmas,

Nick, Amanda, Isabella, Brooklyn, Kathryn & Nolan

Here-we-go-A-Carolling

2010-12-13T12:31:00.000-08:00

I was majorly bummed when I received a letter home from school letting me know that the kindergartens would not be participating in this year's Christmas Concert. Last year they did and Isabella was the cutest nose picker there ever was. Luckily our church did a Kid's Christmas Musicalish performance and so the girls got to get dressed up and sing a little. The performance consisted of singing, with the bigger kids talking in between songs. Then there was a cute little slide show.

Brooklyn was having a blast. I think she sucked in enough air to sing an opera every time she needed to breath. She twirled her skirt back and forth. She was adorable. Then she came home and caught her sister's stomach bug, poor girl! She had a great time. And in the slide show I learned that their favourite parts of Christmas are decorating with mom and dad. Isn't that sweet? Isabella also did great and I am so happy she wasn't the nose picker! She did get bored after the first song, but that's my girl.

Merry Christmas Everyone!! I hope you got to enjoy some little people singing in the season.

Magic on Main

2010-12-07T21:27:00.000-08:00

We live in a great little town that celebrates itself often. We have "Buy Local" campaigns and really try to put on good events throughout the year. I have so much to learn of what our town has to offer, and I'm glad this year's Christmas event caught my eye in the paper. It was called Magic on Main and there were various retailers open late where you could get good deals, some of them had craft stations for the kids and there was some free food and horse drawn wagon rides around the 'downtown' core. I had never been and wasn't sure what we were in store for but it was a blast. We spent most of the evening having fun with the kids so the pics are few, but this is my favourite store window display. There is something about white lit Christmas trees that gets me.

This guy walked up and down the main strip talking to people, pointing out attractions and just making the evening merry. The girls were absolutely astounded by his height and he offered to pose for a picture with us. He also let all the girls jump up to give him high fives and started calling Nick; 'my brother from another mother', due to Nick's height. It was fun to hear him talking to all the other families on the street and pointing everyone to the highlights, which seemed to be the hot dogs on a stick.

There was a really cool balloon castle made by our friend Blake who is AWESOME and had THE BEST FLOAT in the town's Santa Claus Parade, I'll post the pic soon. The kids could stand in line and meet Santa. A fun treat.

Inside one of the shops we made some tree ornaments and the girls discovered this piano. It was so nice to spend an evening with 3/4 of our kids able to participate in the events and see them enjoy what was going on. We're still learning to let them do their own thing, but that's a process I'm sure and we'll get better at it each time we go to something like this.

Magic on Main was a great start to our Christmas celebrations!

Weekend Update

2010-10-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

One week ago I was returning from our annual ladies retreat. What a week.

I was having a conversation with some friends and it was of a spiritual nature. In it I got hit with the 1-2 punch in regards to gray areas and how we justify our way out of them. I was also still processing the retreat sessions and what it would mean for me to 'grow in Gethsemane'.

Then the high of a weekend away faded. I was sick. Two out of 4 kids got strep throat, the whiny and clingy two no less. We had called to inform our landlord of our intention to move at the end of the month and all we had heard back was silence. Took the van for an oil change to learn the fuel lines have rotted through and our van needs to be replaced asap. Sickness brought our schedules out of whack, chaos took my focus away and oh so easily time with God was put on the back burner.

But I kept praying and putting one foot in front of the other. Thursday brought good news from our landlord, and my faith increased, God goes before us. Isabella pulled another disappearing act getting off the school bus at a different stop on purpose and we didn't know it until she came running up to us before her school bus arrived at her stop. And my faith grew some more, God takes care of us even when we don't know we need to be taken care of. Friday we were denied a car loan. And my faith grew even more. God has a better plan than debt for us. We just need to wait in hope and faith.

Saturday we were all healthy again. Had a fabulous family day at the pumpkin patch. All the stress and struggle of the week loosened up a little bit. But still I had not taken time to be quiet with God.

Then at church Sunday morning, great sermon. And my take away was the third point: Target Practice. My whole week had been floating from one thing to the next and I had no eternal underlying focus. I went home wanting to go deeper for real. That everything I do I would do for Christ.

But then I walked into the mess and chaotic scattered world that this past week had left in its wake. I could already feel myself sliding into contentedness to flit about life catching glimpses of God. I didn't want to settle. But how could I stop and refocus with the demands and constant needs of 4 little people all around my ankles.

I put on music. I told them to go find an activity. I sat down to read. Not my Bible, but a Christian book, (I like to dip my toe and wade in, not so much a dock jumper). As I read "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman God started to speak to me so clearly.

As Mary Beth got to the part in her story where she talks about losing Maria (her 5 year old adopted daughter) in a car accident in which Will (her 17 year old biological son) hit her with the car God revealed to me why I put up walls and stay a safe distance from Him. The reason He so easily gets pushed to the back burner in my life.

I am afraid.

What if the story line God has me as the main character in (aka- my life) includes losing a child or a different pain that is that deep?

God promises that he will not call us to do anything he wont equip us for. So logically if I'm not getting equipped, I'm safe. Job wasn't a Sunday Christian, he was a devout follower and look what he went through!

As I reflect a little deeper I recall the times I've been closest to God and all of them have either come right before or during my greatest tribulations. A 'not fit for ministry' tag on Nick's resume, moving where I did not want to go, a surprise pregnancy and subsequently babes 14 months apart. Abandonment by friends and intense loneliness. Months without a vehicle. Months without an income and being literally two weeks away from homelessnes. Removing the tag on Nick's resume only to be passed up by church after church. A couple more months without a vehicle. Being asked to consider that maybe volunteer ministry is the only ministry position for us. And our newest test of faith: a daughter who wanders away and we don't even know she was lost until she is found.

Haven't I been through enough? Isn't this testimony enough fodder to bring glory to God? Can't I just skip through some tulips and catch those glimpses of God that grow my faith?

I am afraid to press deeper because the deeper I go with God the more I'll be given. And the more I'm given the more that will be expected of me.

I don't want to bury a child. I don't want to lose everything I have. I don't want unspeakable tragedy or unfathomable pain.

And yet I crave after God. I am not content to sit still in the little I know and have experienced of Him. I want more. I need more.

Tonight the kid's 'Adventures in Odyssey' segment is on repeat in my head- "perfect love casts out fear".

My walls are built of bricks of fear. My sledgehammer is solidly fashioned in His perfect love. It's about time I pick up that hammer and start breaking things. It will take hope, faith and trust that God is in control. He knows what's best for me. And He is always with me in perfect love. Come what may.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain; faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Cor. 13:12-13

What a week.

Call of the Wild

2010-09-21T19:43:00.001-07:00

I recently read a really great book called A Different Kind of Wild by Debbie Alsdorf. It was a really good read for me and has challenged me quite a bit. Often I read books like this that inspire my heart and then they get put on the shelf as I pick up the next one. I forget to look back and reflect. I choose not to do the 'work' that would take me from where I was before I read the book to where I want to be after I read it.

I don't want this book to be one of those. I really want to live wildly. So I'm going to interact with this book on my blog for the next bit as I process. Lucky you, you get to hear me think out loud! I am a verbal processor, and there's no better way to be verbal than to have a conversation, so what better place to process a book than on a blog!

I've already wrote a post about this book on the Book Club page for the women at my church. I'm going to borrow just a section of it to start of this verbal processing here. (If you'd like to read the whole thing the link is www.gacbookclub.wordpress.com)

"That’s probably because of the way this book has led me to define a different kind of wild. To me the author was saying that living a wild life is being completely sold out to the process and totally leaving perfection on the back burner. To be content to be caught with my hair in curlers and my make up not on. To be comfortable saying; “I know the Bible says this somewhere I just can’t remember the address right now.”. To be propelled by the next step in the journey not the destination. To be motivated by doing exactly what I did yesterday just slightly more excellently.

Living a wild life calls me to live by a different kind of normal. A normal characterized by devotion to God, surrender to His plan, serving beyond what I feel I can give and daily re-creating the New Testament experience.

“We must learn the importance of informing our thinking with the Word of God. We must learn to take the Word in, dwell on the truth of God’s Word and ponder its meaning and implications. Then we need to explore its implication to our very own everyday life. In other words we must make it a goal to put God’s Word in our brains to think about, then put it into practice. This is how we focus our mind on God and his ways. We must become convinced that the way to real life is through faith and that faith comes from hearing God’s Word.”

In the past I may have said a wild person was like Tarzan or Mowgli but now I see a purely wild example in Noah or Esther. To know from my mind to my core what God has said. Then to take that knowledge and boldly let it inform my life. That is the way I desire to live."

New Beginnings

2010-09-15T07:23:00.000-07:00

In Ontario we currently do a thing called 'graduated entry' for our kindergarten kids. It's a long slow process that drives both kids and parents crazy. I wonder if the teachers even like it? This is how it works: week one your child goes for a half hour individualized visit with their teacher. Week two your child goes for half a day with half their class. Week three they finally start school going all day every other day.

For the first two weeks the parents are responsible for getting their kids to and from the school, even those kids that would normally take the bus. Kathryn, Nolan and I took Bella and Brooklyn to their scheduled times and each time Katy put on her best puppy dog eyes and begged to go to school this year. Then she spent the entire time at home asking if it was time to get the sisters yet.

It's going to take her some time to adjust I think. But she plays well with Nolan and I greatly enjoy getting to hang out with her and play to her level as well. This is a new beginning I'm looking forward to. (Although I know it will meet it's challenges as she'll find her voice and is turning three which actually is the peak of the terrible twos).
Isabella is clearly humouring me in this picture. That's sort of been the theme of our summer. We have had a rough, rough few months. Her attitude has been completely out of control, and mine has matched it far many more times that I wish to admit. She was a compliant child when she was little and I always considered myself lucky. I knew that at some point she would rebel and our relationship would be put to the test. I thought it would happen when she was 13 and that our arguments would be over things like clothes and music and social events.

I have no idea how to discipline an attitude. Is it effective to put a child on a time out because she tells you she is going to put you in jail so she can get a new mom who will let her eat jelly beans at 8 am? I don't think it is. But I have no idea what an effective option would be.

I need to be making wiser choices in how I respond to her antics and I need to stop letting her get the best of me. A little bit of time apart each week will be good for our relationship. Time when I can breath and think and actually accomplish things on my to do list will free up that mental space I need to stay consistent, stay calm and stay the course.

This is a new beginning I'm looking forward to.
Brooklyn has been eagerly awaiting her turn to go to school ever since the first time we took Isabella to the bus stop. I was a little apprehensive about putting her in school this year, just not sure if she was academically ready. She spent 20 minutes with her kindergarten teacher who deemed her 'more than ready for this'. She played shy while we were standing in the hallway but as soon as she was away from me her personality showed up. In no time I will be getting phone calls about how chatty Brooklyn is, I'm sure.

She only knows one letter of the alphabet and notices it everywhere. She does not call it by its proper name, 'B', but rather tells you 'that's my letter!'. Numbers are a totally abstract concept to her and rhyming words are a means to make one giggle.

The beginning of her academic journey is a new beginning I'm looking forward to. It blows my mind to imagine the things she'll know by December let alone June.

I like new beginnings. Especially when the 'same old' is wearing you thin and you just need a change. Hurrah to September and to the new beginnings it brings.

Falling

2010-08-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken at the London's Children Museum. Nolan cannot walk and yet he climbed on everything. He would have played this piano all day if we let him.

It has been a long, long, long summer. I do not like summer. It has been a hot humid summer and even our rainy 'days' were more like rainy hours which dried almost immediately due to said heat and humidity. I suck at sucking it up during the summer. I learned to thrive through sleep deprivation, but humidity is a whole other story and one I still have yet to conquer. We haven't made it to the park even once. We haven't hit our local splash pads either. Our hydro bill is monstrous due to the use of the a/c. We did a few trips to the zoo but not nearly as many as I had planned. Summer just sucks at our house. This is about the time when people start to bemoan the end of the summer season, but I will admit to doing a happy dance each day the sun is out a little less. I have failed and faced old demons on a continual basis this past three months, oh how I am ready for the fall. The freshness of cool breezes and the changing of the leaves. Waking up and going to bed in the dark. Return to routines and busyness. Oh fall, could I quicken your return I would.

Fruit Scentsation

2010-06-15T21:32:00.001-07:00

A few posts ago I was talking about how my home, and my self smell. That post was just the tip of the iceberg of things I have been contemplating, and I promise one day in the near future I'll get back to the whale vomit.

But today I have tripped upon a conclusion. I was trying to think of what God-sense would smell like. I had a friend in high school who wore the perfume OM by GAP. It was this delightful musky scent with a hint of femininity and I think that might be what God's character smells like a bit. The Bible lets us into the mix of male and female traits in Him and so I think that perfume comes close in terms of description.

But I don't think that's how God wants me to smell. I think the Bible clearly states that He created male and female uniquely and while He encompasses all things, we get to focus on our gender specifics.

However, I was thinking that every Christian should smell fruity. Not as in Carson from Queer Eye, but more like the fruits of the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control. But not in a lip balm sort of way where the fruity taste touches your lips in an over powering way and then it fades into nothingness. I think more like an orchard.

Where the fruit is abundant. Where the vines are to heavy with their own weight sometimes, and then seemingly empty but filled with the promise of the next harvest. Where you can bury all of our senses in the smell of a particular fruit if you feel led. Where the sweet scents mingle with fresh air and sunshine and wash over your being while you bask in it's goodness.

I want to smell fruity. Like the farmer doing the work of harvesting his orchard, I hope that I can do the work of harvesting a fruit scentsation!

Leave the Grind Behind!

2010-05-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday night our Women's ministry had a coffee house night. I was one of the women asked to share a testimony about what God has been teaching me this part year. A few friends of mine missed the evening and so I'm posting this so they can read it, (as I am a much better writer than speaker I think!). So it's a bit long, but if you want to know what God has been teaching me here is the very, very, very Reader's Digest version. Five to seven minutes is a very short amount of time, seriously I could have been a conference speaker with all God is lavishing on me!

My name is Amanda, which means 'worthy of love'. I became aware of the meaning of my name around my tenth birthday and for the past 20 years I've always thought it was fitting. Loving others has come easily to me. Being a servant is not a hard pill for me to swallow and I just love to love. It wasn't until about eight months ago that I began to see that God had chosen my name long before I was born as an instrument to teach me that not only am I worthy of loving- I am also worthy of being loved.

I grew up in a home where love seemed conditional, something I head to earn. I've always been surrounded by great friends, but each of those friends had a best friend who wasn't me. And I married a loving man, but even he can't love me exactly the way I need to be loved All. The. Time. In the past I've had a very human understanding of love.

Today I am excited about the foundation of God's love that my life is being firmly built on. I am so thankful for the lessons He's taught me and the truths He's been revealing to me in my every day life. I smile a little more, I walk a bit taller, I stress out a lot less and am more steadfast each day no matter what it throws at me. It's a great pit stop to have arrived at, but let me take you back to the beginning of this lap of my journey.

Almost exactly a year ago today my husband and I welcomed our fourth child to our family. Along with his arrival came a sense of grateful completeness. I had spent the better part of five years being pregnant and I had been looking forward to getting re-acquainted with my feet and bending at the waist and a long list of things I'd been missing.

But now that I was the mother of four children under the age of five my life was very full, in constant motion, definitely a work in progress and I was never alone. Yet I felt empty, stalled, without an individual purpose and lonely. I found it completely perplexing that I could simultaneously be crying out for a second to myself and a party to go to. I found it utterly maddening that I could be doing tasks all day but accomplishing nothing. I found it ironic that I could be the centre of four little universes but seemingly invisible to the world at large.

I was insecure and lost and when I feel that way I gravitate to what is comfortable and predictable and so I decided the logical thing to do to fix the loneliness and purposelessness and insecurity and restlessness I felt was obviously to have another baby.

Now I never was very good at being pregnant; I mean you wouldn't exactly say I glowed or anything like that, but when I was pregnant I had a definite purpose and many people were always asking me how I was or doing thing to help me out and my life had this excited anticipation surrounding it.

I really thought another baby would be the perfect solution. Thankfully my husband didn't see it that way and in September I finally started looking for an alternative route to the fill the voids in my heart.

God was already preparing me for this time of transition and through other situations and circumstances he had brought me into times of intimate relationship with Himself. Sadly those occasions had been few and far between as my spiritual discipline was sporadic at best. All around me people were indirectly encouraging me to 'Draw near to God', and as I met more and more consistently with Him I began to see the truth of Psalm 1:1-3

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord and on His law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water which yields it's fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither."

Through my time with God I learned that the heart of my issues were that I had spent most of my life defining myself by what I had done and not who I am; and I honestly did that because I didn't believe there was anything all that special about me. That girls like me are a dime a dozen.

God started showing me how this grieved His heart, how it upset Him that I couldn't see that He had created me fearfully and wonderfully. That I was in essence doubting Him and His decision to create me to be me and His desire to use me for His purposes.

And God began to drive home hard to me that my purpose is to bring glory to Him and He has, and is, working out all things so I can.

As I've learned to lean into God's love for me and believe that He created me as a masterpiece I am blown away by His wisdom.

His love shows me daily how worthy of love He has made me and He has placed directly in my daily life four little people who will struggle with the same things I do, we all do: our insecurities and doubts. Our self-esteem and self-image, the lies the world tells me, tells you and will tell them to try and make them believe that they aren't worthy of being loved.

God is growing me and building me up in his unconditional, perfect, never-stopping, never-ending love and as I live surrendered to that love I will bring glory to Him by paying it forward.

How awesome is our God that in the big picture His love caused Him to send Jesus to save us and in the little picture we share His love through individual little acts of love that all contribute to the bigger picture.

This past year God has been teaching me that I am worthy of love and challenging me to be worthy of love. The Bible study at the last session of RENEW had a quote by Max Lucado which I find to be greatly encouraging when I feel myself being ground down by life;

"When it comes to the major league difficulties like death, disease, disaster and sin you know that God cares. But what about the smaller things? What about grouchy bosses or lost dogs or flat tires? What about broken dishes, late flights, toothaches or a crashed hard drive? Do these matter to God? I mean, he's got a universe to run. He's got planets to keep balanced and Presidents and Kings to watch over. He's got wars to worry about and famines to fix. Who am I to tell Him about my ingrown toenail?

I'm glad you asked. Let me tell you who you are. In fact, let me proclaim who you are. You are an heir of God and a co-heir with Christ. You are eternal-like an angel. You have a crown that will last forever. You are a holy priest, a treasured possession. But more than any of the above- more significant than any title or position- is the simple fact that you are God's child."

What an amazing love that I am blessed to be worthy of. That you are blessed to be worthy of. Worthy of receiving it and worthy of giving it away for God's glory now and forever. Amen.

Saturday Morings.

2010-05-19T05:48:00.000-07:00

We have been doing swimming lessons at the local pool for the last few weeks. I tried to arrange that we would only have to be at the pool for an hour, with two kids having lessons simultaneously for each half hour block. I was a bit late with our registrations though and the class for Brooklyn's age group was filled.

She gets to swim all by herself in the pool. Well, almost all by herself. There is one other girl in her class, and only one other class with two children in it that swim at the same time. She absolutely loves the pool and she loves swimming without us. I wasn't sure she was ready for her first parent-less class but she is doing remarkably well. I see a lot of other kids in her age come for the next session, a class of five with two teachers. The teachers spend literally the entire class trying to coax the kids into the water. I'm kind of glad I was late with the registrations.

There isn't anyone else there first thing in the morning and we get the run of the place, which Nolan appreciates as he fully explores the entire building.

Kathryn likes to spend the 30 minutes asking if it's her turn. And when we stop answering her questions she just slyly begins taking off her clothes, which doesn't make the time go any faster, but I think she thinks it does.

Brooklyn has an amazing swimming teacher whom she adores. But the best part of all swimming lessons at our local pool, is the Duck slide. Loads of fun, for everyone!

Mum's the Word.

2010-05-17T08:37:00.000-07:00

For Mother's Day this year we went to the zoo. It was a nice treat because we didn't have to be in our incredibly messy house for the day, (it's been very busy at my paying gig lately). So we took some time for some pictures just off one of the main treks in the zoo.

Katy has posed with this particular statue a million times, but this time she discovered the the orangutan's hand has nails. She was beyond impressed.

This particular Mother's Day saw flurries in the morning and I did not feel like eating out in the cold, so we splurged on a restaurant dinner. The girls' were super excited to be eating at "Hannah Montana's". They did a fabulous job eating there even though it was busy and there were many distractions. Our waiter was awesome and brought the kids meals with our appetizers and their dessert while Nick and I were finishing. I think I ate a hot meal! Some other highlights were when Isabella spelt 'zoo' on the tablecloth and Nolan's uber cuteness. Even a spontaneous family shot via a waitress turned out okay. It was nice to have someone else cook and clean for a night!

U-reek-A

2010-05-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

I think I read somewhere that our strongest sense is the sense of smell. I believe what I was reading had more to do with the way that we connect smells to certain events or people. Perhaps the smell of gingerbread makes you think of Christmas, or mothballs cause you to recall your Great Aunt Gertrude, or a certain flower's scent reminds you of your wedding.

I've been considering what my home smells like lately. Usually it's dirty diapers, (seriously that smell just lingers!), or that burnt aroma announcing to the world that my oven needs to be cleaned again. Sometimes it's chocolate chip cookies or pot roast. I don't think I have a home that has a consistently appealing aroma, most likely due to the fact that I only think about lighting candles instead of actually doing it and I never remember to Febreeze.

But the concept I've been dwelling on reaches far beyond physical smell. I wonder if my home has a Godsence. When people step into my home can they smell the presence of God? Perhaps they don't know what that smell is, but they know they're smelling it and that they don't smell it everywhere. I wish for my home to be surrounded in a mist of Godsence, like the tabernacle would have been flooded with incense. And I wonder what does that smell like? How do I create that smell?

I've also been thinking about what I smell like. You know how some people can tell what you've had for dinner when you go to an evening meeting? Or how aware you are of that sweaty smell at the gym? Do I have a signature scent? I'm sure in recent days past it would have been Eau du Baby Barf. If I have time to actually get ready before going somewhere I do wear my favourite perfume and I love the way I smell on those days. And the way it lingers on my pillow case for a night or two. Wouldn't it be amazing if I walked past people in the mall and they got a wiff of God?

I know my desire is to reek of my home and for my home to smell like the presence of God.

At the moment I think a more accurate description of my surrounding scents would be: whale vomit.

Passing the Torch?

2010-05-02T12:08:00.001-07:00

Spring is in full bloom around these parts. The flowers and the bellies! Our church is sure riding the waves of the next baby boom, or so it seems! Brooklyn has always been our most matronly child and so its no surprise that every time a pregnant lady passes our path she says something along the lines of; "That girl has a baby in her tummy just like you!"

I look her straight in the eyes and remind her for the umpteenth time that we aren't going to be having any more brothers or sisters. That there aren't any babies in my tummy, (who needs more motivation to get to the gym than that?). Last week I think she finally understood what I was explaining to her and that she would just have to accept it.

For now she's content to carry dolls in her shirt and when a pregnant lady passes us she reminds me that one day she'll go to the hospital and get a baby! I am soooooo glad that's a long, long, long way off but I can already see that she will be a blessing as a mom and that is pretty cool.

Egg-citing

2010-04-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

This is only our second attempt at Easter Egg decorating. I tend to decorate the eggs and then forget to dispose of them post-Easter until there is a smell that I cannot place. This year I was a little smarter, telling the kids that on Easter Sunday the Easter Bunny will come and trade their decorated eggs for treats! Now I don't have to worry about hurting their feelings by throwing the eggs away too soon, and my house wont smell because I waited too long to dispose of them!

These are the poses with our finished Easter egg creations. Brooklyn is showing Katy the ropes.

Brooklyn cute as can be.

Not sure why she chose the peace sign, but she did, completely unprompted by the parentals.

Katy dropped her egg, which caused the shell to crack, which caused her to put her finger in it, which caused the shell to come off, which then prompted her to bite it, which caused her to spit the shell out. Then mommy peeled it and she tried the hard boiled egg, which she also spit out, apparently not a fan of hard boiled eggs.

Isabella concentrated really hard on her sticker placement.

Nolan watched and ate. Happy as a clam.

Waiting for the eggs to dry was a really long time!

Daddy helped with the dying so we didn't have finger prints all over the house.

Look at all those colours!

Getting ready to decorate some eggs!!

Tea for Two, or Twelve!

2010-03-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

For Isabella's fifth birthday we threw a Princess Tea Party. She invited her sisters and all the girls in her class. It was a great time with 12 little princesses crammed into our living room, (I had planned a bunch of outdoor games, but it rained!). Here are just a few pictures, I didn't want to put any with faces other than my girls on here! It doesn't really show the charming chaoticness, but I bet you can imagine! I'm just a bit too tired today to put them in any order. I'll see if I can squeeze in comments though. For some reason it's not letting me type in between the pictures. But there you have it. Food, games, crafts, gifts and giggles. And one very happy five year old girl!

The Path is Paved

2010-03-04T22:20:00.001-08:00

I started this week off with totally good intentions. Working out, blogging, house work- the whole nine yards. I have done absolutely nothing. Well not nothing, I read a zillion books, fed and bathed children, made it to bus stops and doctors appointments and cuddled sick children. But I didn't make it to the gym even once, fell right back off the bloggin' wagon and my house, um, let's leave that subject alone for now! You know that old saying about good intentions, hopefully I can change them into reality and start heading the right direction!

Shining Example

2010-03-02T03:40:00.000-08:00

About two weeks ago Isabella got her first shiner. I was out of the house, but apparently she jumped over Nick's legs while goofing around and fell forward bouncing her eye socket off of Nolan's head. So the story goes that Nolan didn't even flinch.

It amazes me that just weeks shy of her fifth birthday Isabella is sporting a shiner for the first time. I recently sorted through a million photos and I am pretty convinced that Brooklyn spent her entire second year with a black eye or bruised forehead or rug burned chin. Its like comparing apples and oranges those two.

Isabella loved to recount the story at church and let everyone know exactly what happened. She was rather happy with the attention I think. Which is fine, as long as her story doesn't end with: 'But you should see the other guy!".

Re-LENT-less

2010-03-02T03:22:00.000-08:00

March finds one in the midst of the Lent season. For a long time I thought that celebrating Lent merely meant giving up something in order to suffer. It made sense in my mind. What better way to focus on Easter and what Christ did on the cross than by voluntarily suffering? I never got much out of Lent.

A few years ago I learned that my perception of Lent was only half the picture. I had the giving up part right but I was missing out on the filling up. The whole picture of Lent involves not only giving something up, but filling that void with God. So to abstain from chocolate, or TV, or afternoon naps for 40 days in hopes of growing closer to an understanding of the Passion of Christ is most likely missing the mark.

I've had one good Lent experience. It was the Easter after Brooklyn was born, so 2007. I had Isabella and Brooklyn in my care and was in morning sickness/incredible exhaustion mode due to being pregnant once again. Every day around 3:00 I would be ready to throw in the towel. Since that wasn't an option I would head to the pantry, grab a can of Coke, down it in about 3.5 seconds and get on with the day fueled by caffine and sugar. The day was good. Until about 5:30 when inevitably the effects would wear off and let's just say our days were not ending up in a happy place.

For Lent I decided to kick the Coke habit and replace it with prayer. I'm pretty sure that if you stopped by our house during that season of Lent you would have found me on my knees at 3:30 like clockwork, crying out for some divine help, complete with weeping and gnashing of teeth supplied by my babes.

And it was so worth it. Not only to have nixed the daily sugar high and inevitable crash, but also to have learned that the power of the Holy Spirit is there for me all day long, whenever I need it, whatever the circumstances, to get me from strength to strength. The days didn't stop being tiring, the kids didn't start feeding and bathing themselves and then skipping off happily to bed. But I was able, because HE is able, to do those tasks required of me with joy and energy.

Since then I haven't had a good Lent experience. I struggle to find another vice that I have need to rid myself of. But as I pause to consider the 'filling up' side of Lent I know that I have so much further to go in growing closer to God and perhaps I need to shift my focus from throwing things off to putting things on.

Miss Fancy Pants

2010-02-10T06:55:00.000-08:00

There is a great bunch of books called "Fancy Nancy", by, um, I forget. They are wonderful stories that say things like; "Mad is too plain for how I feel, I am furious!" and "When I tell my best friend I can't come to her birthday party she is heartbroken." or "I am an azure butterfly. Azure is a fancy word for blue." The whole concept of the book is to teach kids big words without it seeming overwhelming. The illustrations are amazingly fun and the story lines are cute.

Nancy, in the story, is a girl with wildflowers in her hair and a million accessories. She is in fact Brooklyn's twin. (Well maybe minus the wildflowers.) Brooklyn changes outfits at least four times a day. She always has on a headband, one ring, one bracelet, carries a cell phone and the rest varies day by day. We recently received a bag of hand-me-downs containing a tankini, I think size 7. Much too big for either of the girls to wear. Brooklyn has yet to take it off. She wears it like a tank top, which its big enough for, and she matches the rest of her clothes to it. I let her wear it to church, its just a phase right? I put it right back in her drawer after I wash it and when she discovers it she exclaims; "This is my bestest shirt ever, I have never seen it in so long!"

If you're doing something you shouldn't be, Brooklyn will remind you that there is a consequence. If there are toys on the floor that she does not want to pick up she will inform me that it's Bella's responsibility. Where this girl comes up with these big words, I have no idea ;)

She is over-dramatic. She is full of energy. She is hard to keep up with. Every day has a cute storyline with her. She is one Fancy Nancy.

Captured!

2010-01-12T03:39:00.000-08:00

I take a lot of pictures, I'm in the thick of organizing like 20,000 of them. Literally. I like most of them. I love many. I could sit and stare for days at a few of them and this is one of those pictures. All on it's own without any story to back it this picture makes me giggle. It makes me want to smoosh Katy up in a huge hug. It just warms the cockles of my January cold heart.

We went to an indoor play center for a birthday party this weekend. There were tonnes of things to climb on and slides, a rock wall to climb, cool bike thingys to drive, a few other play centers I don't know how to describe and a dress up center. Katy and I were going down slides together and in the midst of our running around we found this discarded costume. She put it on and kept on playing. After she wore it a few moments I tried to get her to put it back for other kids to play with and she looked at me quite seriously and said 'My Monkey!'. We convinced her to take it off when it was time for lunch, but she found it again right away and wore it until we left.

I love that she loves to dress up. I love that she likes to do what makes her happy without pausing to consider what others might think. I love that it brought her so much joy. I love that I was there to share it with her. I love that it is forever captured on 'film'.

First time for Everything

2010-01-12T03:17:00.000-08:00

I am one of those crazy people who loves winter. I love bundling up in extra sweaters. I love running inside for hot chocolate after being outside. I love the comfort food I make for dinner. I love watching snow fall. I love how excited Isabella gets when she makes snow angels. I love all the celebrations and get togethers that come along when there is snow on the ground.

But not this year.

It has been so cold, and up until last night I could still see grass in my neighbor's back yard. The most time I've spent outside is waiting at the bus stop and that is just not enjoyable. I think this may be the first year I've ever experienced the January blahs. And you know what? All you winter bah-humbugers can have them back! I am not a fan. Not at all.

And the main thing that makes the difference seems to be the lack of white stuff. Not having a few feet of snow around seems to have let the cold air go straight to my heart. I need it back to insulate my reverie.

I want to enjoy the winter season. Being stuck inside with the ones you love, extra time to scrapbook and read. Warm foods and warm drinks. I think I'm going to have to reclaim my love for winter, with or without the snow!

Family Funnies

2010-01-08T04:09:00.000-08:00

When everyone is playing quietly, GET SUSPICIOUS!

Side note: Nolan totally did this to himself, he found a capless marker and was trying to get it in his mouth.

Singing with Meaning

2010-01-07T03:48:00.001-08:00

I try to make a point of not singing a spiritual song unless I know what it means in my heart. There's a lot of songs based on really great theology and while I know the words I don't really know it and those songs I mostly just listen to and ponder. I find that knowing what the words mean in my heart helps me to connect with the song and really enter into a worshipful spirit on Sunday mornings.

This week we sang a song that I like and a phrase has stuck out to me: 'as I wait I'll rise up like the eagle'. I think I know what that means in my heart, about pressing on in tough situations without letting them have victory over you. But I have been questioning all week whether I know what it means in my life. When I think of things I am waiting on the Lord for, how can I rise up? What does that look like? Can other people see that I'm rising like the eagle, or should they be able to? If I mean what I sing on Sunday morning then my life should reflect it and this week I've been wondering if it does.
(These pics are of the girls in concert. Brooklyn making a surprise appearance at the church concert and Belle at her first school concert.)

Must be Santa

2010-01-05T03:07:00.000-08:00

This year I learned a lot about Santa. Mostly from Isabella who has become quite informed since entering school. Did you know that you tell Santa what you want for Christmas and then he brings it for you? (Note to self: take kids to see Santa before doing Christmas shopping next year.) Isabella had a long list, mostly consisting of Barbies and Hannah Montana. Barbies I get, it's an inevitable rite of passage. But who told her about Hannah Montana? Not I. Isabella would decide she wanted something for Christmas and therefore begin asking if we could go to the Mall to let Santa in on her updated list. Too funny. She has not yet made the connection that she can also pester me relentlessly about what she wants to receive which is great! Nolan has no clue. Absolutely. No. Clue. People whom he does not know hold him all the time.
It took a bit of coercing to get Brooklyn to sit with Santa. As soon as she realized she could sit on a stool in front of him she agreed. Then I gave her a candy cane and told her I would open it once she smiled for the picture. If you look closely you can see her trying to get it open while the picture is being taken. Kathryn ran screaming for the hills, literally, hence the reason she is not in this picture. Next year we'll have two kids in school and I wonder what new things about Santa I will learn, and how many times we'll have to go to the mall. ;)

Unexpexcted

2010-01-04T02:50:00.000-08:00

From June 2004 to June 2009 I spent 165 of 260 weeks pregnant. Which roughly translated means I spent 3 of the last 5 years knocked up. I wasn't all that good at being pregnant. I don't think anyone would try and keep a straight face long enough to say that I ever 'glowed', and I was uncomfortable, tired and grouchy. The return on those three invested years were well worth it, and I don't miss it. But I am having a hard time letting go.

Since before we even started thinking about making children a reality in our lives Nick and I have always wanted four kids close together in age and we have been blessed with just that! I do have a bit of a sad spot that Nolan is the only boy, but I'm sure he will have many 'brother's' outside our gene pool. It really has been amazing how quickly our dreams of a family became our reality, and although they aren't the 4 rough and tumble boys I pictured in my head in my pre-baby days they are the perfect kids for us!

And now it's time to move on to the next phase of life. Which I didn't expect to be hard. I have become so comfortable living in this space: being physically uncomfortable, not sleeping, living in 9 month chunks, nasuea, stretchy waistbands, swollen feet. When I thought of what I would be leaving behind that is what I thought of. I forgot about being included in the joy of the unknown expectation and being an integral part of God's amazing work of creation. While I was in the thick of it I thought more about freedom from heart burn than the tug of heart strings.

I am excited to see what the future brings, but this hard time saying good bye to the past is unexpected.

Sugar and Spice

2009-12-11T00:00:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures of our most recent photo shoot. The shoot was meant to document Nolan turning six months old and Kathryn turning two, but since you need three shots for the package we dressed up the other two as well. The photographer wasn't anything inspiring, but these girls were ready for their close up and once Nolan got the camera to himself he started having fun! Happy Celebrations Everyone!

Supersize Me!

2009-11-20T18:48:00.000-08:00

I love, love, love that we have a 'big' family. I know that when you compare us to the Duggers and the like we are a teeny family, but I do believe we fall in, or at least near, the category of today's big families. And I really enjoy it.This week we did many family things; our Christmas card photo shoot, a meal in a restaurant (gotta love kids eat free!), Operation Christmas Child boxes, family movie night at Belle's school and tomorrow the kids and I are headed for the Santa Claus Parade! It's been a full week, full of fun, full of family. I love that we don't necessarily have to find other people to hang out with, (although we enjoy that just as much). The kids play with each other, they feed off each others moods and every now and then they run back for a little snuggle. I like that they look after each other in crowds and whenever we go anywhere the first thing they do is introduce their siblings, (even to random strangers in the grocery check out line).I am glad we were able to stick out the craziness of newborn days and decide to 'go down that road again' three more times! There are many days I don't have a clue how I'll get through, but I am so thankful that I do because I couldn't imagine our family with even one less person.

Contemplations

2009-11-19T17:53:00.000-08:00

There is a great study tool that I was introduced to a while ago. It's called The Truth Project and it is a set of material from Focus on the Family. The basic premise of the study is answering this question: Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?

I've gone through all the material once and am on my second round of small group study with it. So many thoughts, questions, internal conversations all ring in my head and I want to share them, but I find myself struggling to put them into coherent thought patterns. I'm going to keep trying, but for now here are two video clips shown in this week and last week's sessions. Instead of me telling you what I think, tell me what you think.

Watch this.

and This.

2009-11-16T22:39:00.000-08:00

I got a haircut. I know it's a good haircut because people did double takes and someone exclaimed; "Amanda, I didn't even recognize you!". I like getting good haircuts.

I've just been through one of the busiest quarter ends since I started my transcriptionist job in August 2006. It has been hectic and I'm a bit brain fried right now. It was also well worth it.

I am trying to get into a regular rhythm of blogging and although I can't think of much to say I needed to keep the rhythm and post something about myself on 'all about me monday".

I am going to see Twilight on Sunday. I may or may not be a little too excited.

I am going to be a single parent for 96 hours this week while Nick goes away to Atlanta. I have something planned each day and am actually looking forward to our events. Sad that Nick will miss them, but happy that I can continue to live life to the fullest with four kids sans husband.

I am going to bed.

The Evolution of a Name

2009-11-11T10:53:00.000-08:00

Just before school started for Bella this fall I wrote her name on a cardboard box and she copied it. I thought to myself; "My kid is amazing!".

Then school started and she began learning letters. "I" became a stick with a hat and shoes. When asked to write her name she did: "I". A little Zorroesque if you ask me. Three strokes quick as lightning.
(They're at the wrong side of the line there, hard to see, sorry)

Since then she has been learning more and more letters and her name continues to evolve. (The 's' are usually backwards and being a leftie she starts at the right and goes to the left most often).
I wonder how long it will be before she can write the whole thing perfectly.

Intrinsic or Extrinsic

2009-11-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

One thing I find about being a stay at home mom is that it is seriously easy to be lazy. It's a bit of a paradox really: the comparison of self with others and the weight of expectations put upon the SAHM shoulders is not balanced but rather almost erased by the belief that we need to put ourselves first, take care of our needs so we can take care of others and that everything on our plate is nearly impossible so really, let a few things slide, for sanity's sake.

At the bus stop last week another mom of small children told me I could show up in my underwear and she would still be impressed that I managed to get to the bus stop on time. And the weird thing is, that is tempting. Not necessarily to show up in my underwear but to believe that people wont judge me if I do show up that way simply because I showed up and that in itself is a feat. To let myself not judge me for how I show up, to be glad simply that I did.

Husbands who work just as hard as we do are constantly reminded to encourage and support, that the job of a SAHM is so all encompassing. To come home and not ask; "what did you do all day?". But my suspicion is that many of them stew and harbor negative feelings that their shirts aren't ironed or they should let their wives sleep on Saturday mornings as a way of saying thank you.

I've often wondered why I don't feel the same push to be 'successful' at my current job the way I did when working in an office or even cleaning other people's homes. In discussion a phrase was introduced to my vocabulary: intrinsic motivation. Defined by Wikipedia intrinsic motivation: "comes from rewards inherent to a task or activity itself -the enjoyment of a puzzle or the love of playing." and it is in opposition to extrinsic motivation: "coming from outside the performer, ie money, coercion, threat of punishment."

In this discussion I came to the conclusion that being a people pleaser I am definitely not intrinsically motivated. Lose some weight? Why, no one expects me to be wearing skinny jeans. Get my house white glove clean? Why, everyone knows and understands and appreciates that it will be messed up again the moment it is clean. Learn a new skill? Why, I'm much too busy teaching little people new skills.

A friend of mine who is much wiser than she gives herself credit for was having this conversation with me and off handedly said; as Christians shouldn't we ultimately be trying to please God? If only she knew how deep she was.

I find it mind blowing that I love to do things for other people and yet find it so hard to do things for the most important people in my life. That I tend to groan about washing a floor or am known to say; 'I can't do it ALL, give me a break!" (when it ALL would consist of emptying the dishwasher and running a vaccuum over the carpet).

So maybe I'm not extrinsically motivated, but rather intrinsically motivated and in truth I don't do things because I just don't want to. I think that's a hump to get over.

W is for Walt

2009-11-04T22:37:00.000-08:00

I find that a lot of people start talking about mid winter trips this time of year. There seems to be an inevitable group of people who will begin to share the anticipation of their trek to Florida or California as soon as the first snowflakes flutter. We are not taking such a trip this year, but one day we will.

I think maybe I've shared my dream family vacation before but I've been thinking about it a lot as I get to know some families who regularly make the drive down to Florida. The families I know don't go to experience DisneyWorld but that's what I think of whenever someone says they're headed that direction.

I am so stoked that in the year 2017 we will be taking an all-out-vacation-to-end-all-family-vacations. You must be thinking I'm crazy to be excited about a trip that is 8 years away, but I am. When I go shopping and am holding something awesome in my hand I stop and think, 'Do I want this more than DisneyWorld?' and often the answer is no. So back on the shelf it goes.

I've already started planning the basic itinerary. Christmas morning the kids will wake up and rush downstairs to find the bottom of the tree empty. And when they burst into our room to weep and wail and gnash their teeth at the injustice of it all they'll find us sitting on a pile of luggage, grinning ear to ear. And we'll tell them we're heading to DisneyWorld and they'll catch our excitement. Each day will feature a different child with a me and mom date in the morning and a me and dad date in the afternoon while everyone else just hangs out. Dinners at restaurants featuring menus that that particular child will want one of everything off of. Evenings renting movies in our hotel room, or going to shows, or something as a family. We'll stay in some ridiculously over-priced theme suite on New Year's Eve and catch the fireworks and really feel like 2018 will be a magical year for us. We'll fall asleep feeling like princes and princesses in our castle and wake up ready to make the best of every day and every moment of the coming year.

It's going to be awesome. I can't wait to see how it unfolds once we put details into dreams.

What's your dream vacation?

Introducing Nolan James Franks

2009-11-04T22:00:00.001-08:00

I sort of fell off the face of the blogging planet with Nolan's arrival. I think part of the reason for my lack of desire to blog was a feeling of responsibility to stick to blogging etiquette and announce the arrival or our newest member with their birth story. Since this particular story begins with me passing out simply thinking about getting an IV, (yes I literally blacked out while waiting to be hooked up to the pitocin) and ends with my OB literally up to her elbows in me scrapping pieces of flesh off my uterus, I didn't exactly make finding time to share that story a priority. ;)

One thing this particular birth experience created for me was an overwhelming sense of gratitude for doctors who care. Our family doctor has ALS and his disease had progressed to the point that he could no longer deliver babies. When he shared the news with us I joked that he could still deliver our baby as he missed the arrival of both Brooklyn and Kathryn by mere moments so it would just be our usual routine. It began as a joke but by the end of my delivery experience I truly wished he could have been there. The OB I was referred to didn't show up to deliver Nolan although she was paged 3 times. Instead she chose to look at real estate. The second thing Nolan's birth created for me was an overwhelming sense of gratitude for labour and delivery nurses! Mine were the best. One of them attends our church and just happened to be taking a break from overseas work and the other is my twin, apparently. These ladies got me through the roughest four hours of my life, and did so with smiles on their faces even though they were stressed out.

I find it hard to believe that Nolan has already been here five months, but at the same time I forget how old he is. Being that he is significantly bigger than the girls I think of him as older. I keep on trying to sit him up for pictures and he has to flop over before I remember he's not that capable yet.

A lot of people ask me what gender differences I'm noticing and the answer so far is none. Well, it's a lot harder to keep him full. He's already on solid foods and he eats a lot, but not often, he also likes to sleep. He eats breakfast, lunch, dinner and before bed at 7. And he already sleeps 12 hours a night. Such a blessing.

Nolan has brought so much laughter to our lives. We are generally a happy bunch. We get comments about how happy our kids are regularly, but Nolan laughs out loud. He giggles at his sisters. His eyes twinkle. He is truly the perfect punctuation on the sentence of our family. I am so excited to see his personality emerge as he moves on from infancy.

Identity Crisis

2009-11-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

"What is man that you are mindful of him
and the son of man that you care for him?"
Psalm 8:4

So often when I read the above verse I read with cynical and sarcastic undertones. It just makes sense to me that the Bible, a story full of God's awesomeness, would point out the folly in humanity saying 'check me out!'. But as I spend time gazing upon the face of God I have come to hear it differently. I picture in my mind some surfer dude who just caught the sickest wave, completely soaked in water and wonder of the Creator of that water waxing poetic: 'WHAT IS MAN?"

It causes me to pause for a moment and consider that I am made in His image. He took an itsy bitsy bit of what He is and fashioned me out of it. Little nuggets of everything that makes God so awe-inspiring and He put that in each one of us. How cool is that?

I will confess that I am a somewhat insecure person. I do struggle with believing that I am worthy, that I am a self to esteem. But thinking of it in light of the knowledge that God created me in His image I have to see that it's not just a monkey on my back, it is something that grieves the heart of my Creator. I struggle to see how worthy I am because I don't fully comprehend how awesome He is. To truly know myself I have to first deeply know Him, what an amazing purpose- to spend my life learning who He is and who I am in Him.

I often get caught up in the 'me' bits of life. What has God called me to do? What is 'unique' and 'masterpiece' about me? What part of the body am I? It has dawned upon me that this is a pretty selfish perspective. I should be searching for God's agenda and how I can aid it, not how I can be me, but how He can use me.

With our family now completely the way we always dreamed it would be I find myself in an identity crisis. If I'm not an incubator, who am I? I am in awe that I find myself wondering these things and that God had already laid out the answers for me before I asked the question.

"Who am I that you are mindful of me?
That you hear me, when I call.
Is it true that you are thinking of me?
How you love me, it's amazing!"
-Israel Houghton-

Preface

2009-11-03T19:19:00.000-08:00

I find myself in a mental whirlwind these days. I am surrounded by so many wonderful and challenging friendships, in the throes of amazing and life altering studies, bombarded with the sheer awesomeness of the people I share my home with. So many thoughts to ponder, so many things to apply, so much to nurture and grow within mine own self. I haven't been around these bloggy parts much in the last five months, but am hoping a return here will enable me to at least plant the seeds my brain and heart want to plant so I can come back and reflect, remember and remark as often as I need.

One lesson I am currently learning is the power of structure, and a lesson I am re-learning is the freedom in discipline. So I am going to become a disciplined blogger and I am doing it for the benefits for myself. A lot of what is on my heart and mind is who I am as a Christian and I want everyone to know anything I share is not a judgement or a soap box, but is me thinking out loud through what I'm thinking through. There will be times when I need to shake myself a bit and I hope my words never come across otherwise.

So, if you're still there dear readers (Hi Elizabeth!), get ready to enjoy this blog again! I'll be here Monday to Friday with little nuggets of myself to share! I'm really looking forward to reconnecting, it has been far too long!

I'm full.

2009-07-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

Full heart

Full hands

Full days

Full nights

With all the fullness, I haven't figured out where to put blogging. But I'll be back as soon as I find a space for it!

A Tag because I Lag

2009-05-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

The third trimester is winning around here, (that's right folks 9 days until I'm due, so like 21 days until the baby gets here, jk). And my blog has been a-sufferin. Luckily Jenn saw fit to tag me today!

The purpose of the tag is to list five reasons why I like being a Mom. I'm currently working on Katy's First Year scrapbook and since I'm accessing her pictures on a daily basis, she will be our pictoral example of my Five.

1. You get to dress your kids up in costumes like this, for the express purpose of taking pictures. And no one thinks you're insane.
2. Watching little people explore, learn, test and create is amazing. I have been blown away by how uniquely each of our daughters do those things. It also helps me recapture the wonder of all that is around me.

3. Food. "It was all the kids would eat." is the best excuse EVER to consistently have fresh baking in the house, to have breakfast for dinner and to eat frozen pizza every meal for a week when life gets hectic. (Not that I do those things on a regular basis.....)
4. I get to play. I am 5'2 which makes me about the size of a sixth grader. ;) But I can actually fit in the slide structures at places like Chuck E. Cheese and Kidsport. Inevitably one of my children will be unable to navigate part of the tunnel maze and I must go rescue them! I like that I get to play, and again no one thinks I'm insane.....as long as the children are with me.....at least they wont tell me to my face that they think I'm insane.
5. Being completely changed by such small people is really cool too. In the beginning of being a mom I got all caught up in trying to teach my kids. Life is so much better now that I let them teach me.

I tag Amanda ; Erin and Jill !

Scrapinition

2009-05-05T00:59:00.000-07:00

Saturday is National Scrapbooking Day and I am celebrating by taking the day off and going away to scrap. So while I'm preparing what to take, you get to see inside my head.....Confessions of a Scrapbooking Mind. Today's post is my reflections on a devotional I read this week that actually had to do with scrapbooking, loosely of course.

"Picture this, years of photographic debris littered hither and yon; some photos crammed in drawers, taped on mirrors, stacked on desks, magnetized to the refrigerator, stuffed in shoe boxes, propped against window frames, crinkled up in purses, pressed in old books, mixed in with the bills...This is indicative of how for years I have handled our family's pictorial history".

I'll confess, this actually makes me cringe. There is something about a picture that has to be treasured, well most of them. I've always had a central location for my pictures, even before I was a scrapbooker, a box that I could go to and retrieve any moment that I had snapped. That of course was before we went digital, when I actually made people pose and didn't just snap away. But the last phrase she uses, 'pictorial history', really hits home for me. This is the way people will know our stories, but pictures aren't enough there has to be some documentation to go along with it. I don't want folks to flip through and think, 'Oh that looks like a nice sunny day.'; I want them to know why there is a picture of that day in the first place!

"I've always meant to organize, alphabetize, and categorize these frames of life, but I'm not naturally organizational, alphabetical or categorical. In fact, I'm more eclectic in my approach to life. Some might say I'm a willy-nilly, helter-skelter, or if-you-can-find-it-you-can-have-it kind of person. Now don't get me wrong; I like a tidy environment. Just don't open a door or drawer without taking some precautions. But if you do pry open a drawer, would you mind seeing if you could find the three rolls of film I misplaced from our family vacation, summer 1992? I know they are here somewhere. "

Enter the digital age. I snap a lot of pictures. It keeps me outside longer than 10 minutes while the kids are amusing themselves. But don't even get me started on Nick's clicking fingers! He actually stood in centerfield of Rogers Center and took a picture of the empty seats, then turned two degrees and took another, and again, and again until he had shot all 360 degrees of the stands! We've been digital since January 2005 and have over 10,000 pictures. (And no, we don't do it professionally at all!). I sat down a while ago and organized all our digital images with the help of some great software. But then we got a computer virus. Luckily all our photos were saved onto an external drive, but they didn't save in order. I'm back to the drawing board, re-organizing all 10,000 with new pictures added daily!

"I also know I need to get a grip on our photos. So I took the following action. First I conducted a pictorial roundup. All floaters were brought into the living room and placed inside Les's grandfather's trunk that presides in front of our couch. This activity actually took weeks, as we rooted around retrieving wayward pictures from strange and unusual locations (medicine cabinet, toolbox, clothes dryer). "

Enter the deceptively good thing about the digital age; I know where all my pictures are. One central location- my hard drive. They aren't cluttered or being destroyed, but when was the last time I printed one?

"Once the majority had been packed into the trunk, I purchased albums of all sizes. Then I sat down in front of the mountainous heap, and in a brief time became overwhelmed with this wide-load project. I couldn't figure out how to separate them into categories. Should it be years, events, houses, individuals, vacations, celebrations, crises or all of the above?"

I love my photo organizing software. I get to put a single picture in several different locations, one photo can be stored in a folder for an event and by each person in it. Then I can search and have all those pictures magically pulled out of the folders and at my disposal. Ahhhhhh. But I am a slave to chronology and often forget about the gems of pictures I have of certain events and picking pictures out of the millions becomes my headache. I still want to include every picture, but there are just too many, and inevitably as soon as I finish a page I'll find THAT picture, the one I wanted to center the whole page around to begin with....

"This brings me to my next dilemma: How does one toss out a picture without guilt? A person's likeness is so personal it seems like a violation to discard them. After all, what if those individuals have rejection issues?"

I giggled outloud at myself when I read this paragraph. I'm an anti-pack-rat and tend to throw things out before really thinking it through. That's only a picture of Brooklyn's toes in those cute sandals, toss it. Only to wish I had it back the next day. Not all pictures have to be of faces, right? Sigh, I guess there will really be millions of photos on my hard drive when I pass on.

"Gradually I'm making progress with the development of our albums and have in courageous moments thrown out a few strangers. I've even parted with a myriad of duplicates. "

The key word here seems to be 'gradually'. I wish I was more up-to-date on my scrapbooks. I often feel like they're missing out on journalistic integrity and becoming glorified photo albums. But this slave to chronology will continue to slave away! Isabella has an album of her first year, and Katy's is almost done as well. Somehow I skipped over Brooklyn so I'll have to go back and remedy that ASAP. I think that when all the kids are in school I'm going to adopt a monastic lifestyle for the hours of 9-3. I will sit in peace surrounded by my photos, sipping hot tea and recalling memories of days gone by. Or maybe not. The best part of scrapbooking is that it's a hobby that will last a lifetime, (or more).

Excerpts from 'Say Cheese' by Patsy Clairmont

Life's a Zoo!

2009-04-27T18:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging much the last couple of weeks because life has been crazy! Not crazy busy, but definitely not routine. The girls all got sick and I did too which has thrown off our regular schedules and really taken us for a ride. The weather has also not helped, there have been a mixture of rainy days and really hot ones. I prefer the rainy days, but am loving that on the days the girls can play outside they absolutely cannot keep their eyes open past 7:30!
Katy and I have been hanging onto our symptoms the longest and so I've had a few days to hang out with her while the girls run around outside, (the wind is just a bit much when we were told to stay warm to get better). Unfortunately I'm not as fun as Katy's siblings and she really wanted to be where they are.

She's such a monkey trying to climb out the back door, or up onto every piece of furniture, or casually walking down the front hall and straight out the door. She's keeping me on my toes this one!

Of Pigtails and Psychosis.

2009-04-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

Brooklyn has been dying to have hair long enough for pigtails for a very. long. time. Every day that I comb Isabella's hair and adorn it with some kind of elastic or barette she asks me to do the same to hers. Yesterday her hair held onto the elastics for the first time. She was ecstatic, walking around touching her pigtails, telling her dad over and over; 'these are my pigtails Poppa'. It's cute, she's cute.
Lately I have really been enjoying CranRaspberry juice and Sprite as my beverage of choice to get through the loooooong afternoons. Yesterday I didn't just want a glass, I needed a glass. And well, I couldn't get the lid off the bottle.

Yes, that's right I took some scissors to it, but only after stabbing it with a knife didn't work. I may or may not be losing my mind.

Clear Hindsightedness

2009-04-07T01:51:00.000-07:00

This is my favourite family picture. I don't post it as much as some others, and I have yet to scrapbook it. The quality of the photo itself is total suckage, but the moments it captures for me are purely priceless.

This picture was taken at last year's Jr. Jays final saturday game. We go to two Blue Jays games each year for sure. One to sign the kids up to be Jr. Jays, (you get some cool loot when you sign up at the field and all Saturday games are mini carnivals), and one to end the season with the Jr. Jays. After the game the kids get to go down and run the bases, then we wait for the grounds crew to do a few things and we head back down to the field for bouncy castles, pizza, autograph/meet some Jays and you can play on the outfield.

Looking at this picture I remember the not so highlighted parts of the day, sort of. It was snapped by an impatient Rogers Center employee just before we were almost escorted off the premises for the third time; Katy is wearing the top to an outfit Brooklyn is wearing the bottom of meaning there were spills, or poo, or both; Isabella isn't touching anyone in our family which is reminiscent of a meltdown of some kind; and I'm wearing my weary smile, which although it happens to be nicer than my posed smile reminds me that the day was tiring. I know there were trials to the day because in all honesty you can't have a day with three toddlers and no trials, but I don't really remember what any of them were.

However, I clearly remember the highlights of this day: Nick playing catch in the outfield and claiming 'This is worth the price of admission.'; the lovely lady who let my kids go down the bouncy slide for a half hour solid even though she had to climb up it with Brooklyn sometimes; everytime Isabella gently touched where her face had been painted and told me she was beautiful; the laughter, the game itself was stellar, the company of my family.

This picture is my favourite although I'm sure when it was snapped I had no idea it would be.

Blurry Vision

2009-04-06T03:26:00.000-07:00

You know that saying; 'can't see the forest for the trees'? Sometimes the circumstances of life consume us individually, and so completely, that we cannot see clearly. Different things cause different people to lose their clarity of sight but I do believe it is common to the human experience.

As a Christian I know that the Bible has something to say about every circumstance, trial, joy and blessing that I endure, but often I forget to look there for solutions or even coping strategies. The following thoughts are a reflection on Psalm 73 and a sermon I recently heard by Bob Gould.

Psalm 73 is written by Asaph, who is only mentioned in the Bible a few times and has no memorable story to attach to his name. For all intents and purposes he was a worship pastor and there are several Psalms attributed to him (50, 73-83). In Psalm 73 he speaks candidly about things you don't expect your pastor to verbalize. For a moment he lets us behind the mask of those "in ministry" and lets us see their human side, a side we can all relate to.

"Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. But as for me, my feet had almost slipped, I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked."

The Psalm begins with two very common thoughts, one: I know God is good, but I'm just about to give up, and two: Why do the rich have it so easy? Asaph was looking around at his trees and couldn't see the forest. Why does it seem that the wicked prosper and the godly suffer? In this Psalm Asaph equates the wicked with the rich, and although rationally we know that that is not the case, I'm sure it's a pattern of faulty thinking we fall into sometimes.

"If I had said, 'I will speak thus,' I would have betrayed your children."

Asaph feels that he cannot share his internal struggle with anyone because he is in a position of Christian leadership and if he confesses what he is thinking he will cause his flock to stumble, to sin. Therefore he keeps it all bottled up, festering away at him, clouding his judgement and his vision. Personally I'm not in a position of Church leadership, but there are many struggles I never voice out of fear of what it would do to the hearer. What if I confess that I just want to send my kids away for the day and the person listening is struggling with infertility? That would hurt them so much more than what I'm dealing with right? Those of us who are people pleasers can probably identify with this Psalm. Anything that could be construed as negative must be kept to oneself, you never know the damage it might do.

But aren't we also called in Scripture to take up one another's burdens? Aren't we called to share with other believers in joy and in struggles? Why is it that we don't do it? Why do we always answer 'fine' when someone asks us how we are doing? (On a sidenote, is it really possible that no one noticed Asaph's struggling spirit? What keeps us from asking people deeper questions when it's obvious they need to talk? Or just reaching out a hand and helping instead of waiting for our help to be invited?)

You can read through the Psalm and see how Asaph has a distorted view of the situation. For example he thinks being rich equals being wicked and that rich have no troubles. Luckily however the Psalm is not just one of lament, he casts a light into the shadows.

"'till I entered the Sanctuary of God."

Therein lies the glasses Asaph was in need of. When you spend time with God your vision becomes his vision and instead of being stuck staring at tree trunks you have a bird's eye view. The bigger picture becomes what you are gazing upon and your perspective changes. When we spend time in the sanctuary we begin to see that it's not about us and we experience the peace, grace, power, and wisdom of God. Then praise abounds for we can see what God is doing around us, through us, and for us. When our vision becomes that of eternity we can see with more clarity. We do not take the spiritual life seriously unless we spend time with God. If we do not know his thoughts, if we cannot catch his vision, our faith is not a lifestyle but lip service. And God is all we need for every circumstance, we can find whatever we are looking for in the sanctuary if we would just go there.

I can confess that life at our house is heavy right now. There are many obstacles and struggles that could consume us. But by remembering, and being disciplined, to spend time in the sanctuary I will not be consumed. I will be able to enjoy the forest even when I am surrounded by gnarly trunks. What an uplifting thought in times of heaviness.

As humans we tend to think we have all the answers. When we find ourselves in a tricky or undesirable situation we start looking around for what to do to fix it. I would challenge us instead to think of what we could be and to sit quietly with the Almighty until we have 20/20 vision for the problem we find ourselves in may not be the problem at all.

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

4:00 AM This is your Wake Up Call....

2009-04-04T03:51:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks my body has begun waking up between 4:00 and 5:00 AM on a regular basis. Usually the cluprit causing my waking is the full bladder upon which my son is sleeping and it's undeniable need to be emptied. Waking up to pee in the middle of the night is common third trimester activity, but in my previous experiences I merely stumbled to the bathroom, relieved myself and stumbled back into bed. This time around however, I wake up raring to go for the day.

This development has several cons, (hello, I'm up at 4:00AM), but it also has it fair share of pros. I've learned a lot about being the best version of myself lately and getting up early in the morning helps me be good at being me. I love the dark, one of the reasons I love winter and why gray rainy days are my favourite. Getting up in the dark starts my day off well because I begin with something I love. I can also accomplish things: really accomplish them. I can fold a load of laundry without someone unfolding it! I can empty the dishwasher without someone climbing into it or grabbing a knife! I can sweep the kitchen floor and no one is grinding Cheerios into the carpet! And I can accomplish all these things without having to ask a child to 'please wait a sec while mom just gets this one thing done.'. Ah bliss. I can also be selfish with this time; surfing the net, watching the prime time show I wont while the kids are awake, eating my breakfast without getting indigestion from meeting the meal time needs of three toddlers. The hours of 4-7am are actually kind of nice.

But, the cons enter a little later in the day. I'm physically in need of a nap by 11:00am, I'm running in short supply of patience right before the pre-afternoon nap meltdown session. Therefore we all nap in the afternoon, which makes bedtime a bit of a marathon, since my 4 year old doesn't really need to nap. And I wake from that nap a bit on the cranky side having slept just shy of 'enough'. Dinner hasn't been happening as well or regularly as it should, and I find myself going to my evening commitments a bit on the groggy side.

I mess up, I'm sure, out of tiredness, but I learned the value of forgiveness. So I dust myself off, put one foot in front of the other, live through the last few hours of the day one moment at a time. Then 4:00am rolls around and I can pick up yesterday's pieces and put them in place. It's really not that bad, 4:00am.

(Sidenote: Even though there are pros to this pattern, I am still looking forward to when it vacates the premises!)

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post, I really enjoyed reading your responses!

Aint it Funny

2009-03-31T19:43:00.000-07:00

Isn't it the way. I stated a goal, and had very good intentions and then life just happened! You know what I mean, all your daylight hours consumed by good things, but things that are not the ones you intended to do! I have a whole theme of blog posts half written in my head, but no time to sit down and compose them! I will get back here though, it is a goal, April sounds like a month to succeed right?

Today I ask a question of the blog reading masses: If you compose blog posts, when in your day do you do it? Do you have a regular time, or just when the mood strikes? IF you don't blog, how about journalling? Is it part of your routine? How do you keep up with your desire to write?

Just Curious

2009-03-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been getting more and more curious about the sixth member of our family. The girls all have grown into very distinct personalities and I can see the ways in which they will be similar, and the ways in which they will be very different. I wonder how a boy will fit into the mix? I wonder if he'll be taller and obviously stronger than his sisters, will people confuse him for the oldest? I wonder if he'll be one of those guys who actually knows how to listen to girls because of all the training he gets growing up? I wonder how its going to change the dynamic to have a boy in the gang? There's only a maximum of 11 weeks until our family grows for the last time and I am wondering what's in store for us, what our family is like completed.

The Next Phase

2009-03-15T00:33:00.000-07:00

A few posts ago I mentioned that I was considering what I wanted this blog to be about. It took me much longer than I anticipated to really reach down and figure out what is important to me as far as the 'blogosphere' is concerned.

I've thought long and hard about it and am now ready to blog with a vengence again. My blog will be a little more focused, (at least that's the intent), on me. If you come here for pictures of the kidlets, you wont be disappointed, they are after all a part of me. I am going to focus on the three things that are most important to me in my blog posts: my faith, my family/friends, and my creativity.

You'll find that I'm also a girl who loves schedules and planning, (did you know Administration is a spiritual gift?), and so there will be themes emerging and this blog will become fairly routine and predictable. That is the goal. Not that my children will all of a sudden stop being unique or that God will start talking to me in ways you've heard before; rather that there will be a routine to what I share and you'll quickly figure out to only stop by on Fridays if you want to hear about our Family.

For those of you that have been following this blog, thanks for hanging around! I hope you start to enjoy it once again! If you're reading this through the link on Facebook, welcome to my blog.

Baking with Baby Brain

2009-02-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

I decided a little while ago to make a more conscious effort to celebrate holidays with the girls. I wanted them to be a part of the process, not just the celebrations. Valentines is first up in the year and so it has made a great guinea pig. We were planning to make cookies and cards to send to Grandma and Grandpa, and a few friends around town. One day I made all the girls have a nap, (which was good for all of us) and I laid out all the ingredients just like we do at Cooking Class at Superstore. I had everything measured and we were ready to go. The recipe we were using called for coffee.

You will notice as you scroll down the pictures that the girls are wearing different clothes. It took two days to make our cookies. I don't drink coffee, ever. So I had measured out the coffee as per the recipe directions, ground coffee beans that is.

Once we actually started the recipe I understood instantly that the coffee was supposed to be made, as in liquid, as in needed to hold the cookie dough together. Never mind thought I, I'm sure 4 tbsp of coffee can't make that big of a difference. We continued to mix together the ingredients. But alas our dough would not stick together.

Remember, I don't drink coffee. I don't even make coffee. I don't even clean the coffee maker, if Nick wants coffee its on his shoulders.
So the girls had to wait an extra day for me to figure out how to make coffee and whip up a batch of dough with all the proper ingredients in it. Then we set about cutting them out and adding cinnamon hearts.

I also had the nerve to ask them to pose for one more picture before I let them eat any. Isabella barely made it through the shot!

Righteous Appearances

2009-02-10T11:54:00.001-08:00

If you lived in Jesus' day you would have been subject to the authority, and judgement, of the religious leaders of the day. They watched what you were doing, what you were wearing, what you weren't doing. They would look at your actions in order to determine your righteousness. Jesus came onto the scene and added to their system. True, people will know you are pursuing righteousness by the actions that they see, BUT you can't always tell a person's heart by what they are doing.

When I first became a stay at home mom I thought I knew exactly the expectations I was to get in line with; keep the house clean, put good meals on the table, meet your husband's needs and have the children magazine cover ready at all times. I quickly came to understand what those expectations were getting me into in terms of work. How quickly I grew weary of cleaning, cooking and keeping up appearances. It amazes me how short the time span was in which I stopped caring if my house and my family met people's standards.

This past week I began going to the gym, and I'll confess I'm a bit of a people watcher. There are two women at the gym that I am particularly drawn to. Both of them could be described by total strangers as "out of shape". They walk on the treadmills and they walk hard. The kind of walking that makes you sweat, makes it hard to breathe. While I notice them I wonder what got them to the gym. Several easy answers pop into my head and all of them have to do with meeting people's expectations of how they should look.

I remember watching some episodes of Oprah where a few families who appeared to "have it all" came clean about how little they actually have and how unhappy they truly are.

Appearances can be deceiving.

That girl with a body-to-die for who is actually dying for it.

That homeless man, begging on the corner every day, who is actually worth millions.

That mom at every event, always volunteering, constantly surrounded by people, who is the loneliest person on the planet.

Appearances can be deceiving.

I lost track of the families on Oprah, but I believe they journeyed internally to figure out why the sought after so much stuff. They had to get to the heart of the issue and purge away the excess to find true happiness.

I'm convinced those two ladies will still be at the gym walking just as hard six months from now. I'm convinced because of the determination on their faces and how hard they are working. They have to be operating from a deeper motivation than looking like Ms. Hollywood.

I've come to accept and embrace that the expectations I tried to live up to when I first became a SAHM will lead to nothing but fatigue and unhappiness. Now my expectations have to do with eternity, and that is much more fulfilling than temporarily appearing right.

I don't think people will ever stop being like the religious leaders in Jesus' day. There will always be a set of criteria by which people judge each other. But, for those of us who want to live a pure life of true righteousness there is only one set of expectations that matter.

And while we may be able to keep up appearances in front of man, God sees right through them. Appearances can be deceiving but the heart shines a light on the true motives for why we do what we do.

"Look at ME!"

2009-02-03T07:58:00.000-08:00

Kathryn is really coming into her personality lately. She has begun to develop a sense of humour, she has preferences and she wants to be just like her big sisters. This past week she has started saying "Hi!" into a cell phone, climbing up onto chairs and tables, making little jokes and trying to manipulate us with her tears.

I've really been noticing with her that even though she is going through the same stages her sisters went through she is definitely unique. When she is thinking you can see it on her face and so you know when she's doing something on purpose. It leaves me awestruck when I watch the concentration on her face as she has to put her cup right beside her plate at supper time or how she makes a plan to attack one her sisters, but never gets there because she starts laughing too hard.

I would describe Katy's character as bright; both in intellect and disposition. She lights up our days and illuminates the best part of every person she comes in contact with. I can only imagine the great things she'll do in her corner of the world.

2009-02-02T04:41:00.000-08:00

This past week was one of those weeks when I would have loved to ship the kids off to Grandma and Grandpa's for a few days. The demands of caring for three small children, all of my domestic responsibilities, being a good wife and striving daily to grow closer to Christ and closer to who He created me to be is more than a full time job! But it's a full time job without weekends, without sick days, without stat holidays or vacation time.

At least for me it is.

And although I don't have those times off from being a mom I still need them. I still need time to put myself first, to take a break from my full time job. I don't have a good answer about how to do that well. I take my moments to watch my favourite tv shows, have a bubble bath, "escape" to the grocery shopping, plan time to spend with friends. But there is something about those extended times away that I still need.

So, imperfect as it is, there are days when all we do is watch tv and eat next to nothing. Days when Nick spends the day at work and then comes home and does my job too. Days I yell more than I should and days I would like a do-over for.

The chores never magically disappear, the kids don't teleport to the grandparents so I can get some rest. But God is faithful. Somehow a moment, a literal 60 second blip, breaks into the fog of my fatique and I have found the rest I so greatly needed. How great is it that I serve a God who is not interested in me merely surviving, but also thriving! He provides the rest I need and then some as it takes extra energy to get the chores caught up, extra paitence to restore discipline and routine, extra humility to accept my faults and seek forgiveness.

Yesterday at Church I was reminded that we are not called to success, but to submission. We are not called to perfection, but called to show Christ at work in our failings and Christ revealed in our success. That is a great encouragement for a soul weathered by mom guilt, a soul that sometimes gets stretched too thin, a soul that could use a week curled up next to a fire. He is faithful to provide all of our needs, the ones we take to Him and the ones He already knows.

May that encourage you this week, especially on your most tired day.

Wintry Fun

2009-01-14T20:43:00.000-08:00

Since the whole country seems to be in a cold state, here are some pictures to warm your heart! Yep, the girls got to play outside for the first time this past week. Nick works some days only in the afternoon, so I talked him into taking the girls out for half an hour on the nice day we had last week. This is at the end of their time, they each posed on the snow pile Poppa shovelled for them.
It was too cold for Katy to sit around outside so we stayed inside and took pictures of the fun. Nick started throwing snowballs at her and she thought it was the funniest thing ever. Belle and Brooklyn both go into the fun and pelted us with snowballs.

On a daily basis Isabella asks if she can make a snow angel. She finally got her chance. This was the very first thing she did as soon as I opened the door. Fell in the snow and started making an angel.

Hope you can stay warm today Canada!

Scene Stealer

2009-01-10T17:28:00.001-08:00

Ultrasound Tech; "Well, this looks like it will be your last pregnancy."

Myself; "Pardon?"

Ultrasound Tech; "Yep. It looks like you finally did something right."

Myself; ......no comment.......

Ultrasound Tech; "I'm not supposed to tell the gender. And I wouldn't tell if I wasn't sure. That's definitely a boy you've got there!"

*I painstakingly pointed out all of the baby's facial features to the girls. All they can remember is that this last picture is his bum. Thanks Nick ;)

BOOORRRIIINNGGG

2009-01-07T08:46:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of things I didn't anticipate about motherhood, but one of them is happening with Isabella right now. Thankfully she has yet to learn the phrase; "Mom, I'm bored.", but I can tell that she is. She runs around the house literally bouncing off the walls and has so much energy to spare I've seriously contemplated trying to figure out how to bottle and sell it.

The winter is a hard time to be a toddler in a small house. We have one room for her to play in and that room also houses our living room furniture, 'office', toys and such. Not much space. I would be bored too if I was three.

I've decided we need to come up with a school-like routine. One that is obviously flexible enough for movie days and not so routine that it's just replacing one form of boredom with another. We've started doing a playdough session each day and getting in our exercise with Wii Fit together. (BTW: Wii users, have you tried Super Hula Hoop? Holy hard batman!)

I'm not sure what else to do with her though. I've thought about a phonics program. My Aunt who is an ECE suggested Jolly Phonics, anyone else have a program they've used? Preferably a free one! What other things do you do to keep your toddler's brain happy?

From this series of pictures you can see that I enjoy spending the time teaching my children valuable skills like how to make the 'horns'. Vital information should she find herself at a rock concert in the near future. Isabella usually obliges willingly, but I'm beginning to think she 's tiring of my antics. ;)

Untitled

2009-01-02T21:33:00.000-08:00

I am one of those rare and unusual folks who loves winter. Back in the day I loved being out in the winter weather, of recent years I have grown more crochety and it takes a lot of cajoling to get me outside. The last two winters I've had the really good excuse of either being pregnant or just recovering from delivery which have allowed me to spend most days looking out instead of in. It's a sad but true truth that I have yet to build a snowman with the girls or play outside to rush in for hot cocoa. In my defense Ontario winters are just weird. There can be a foot of snow outside in the morning and in the evening a gentle rain with not a speck of snow in sight. Ontario is just weird like that.

Even though I haven't been living life in the great white, I still greatly enjoy it. Today I was cleaning the kitchen after lunch and a light snow was falling. I was thinking to myself about how it looked like a snow globe and smiling while washing dishes. Isabella rushed in to ask for something and was immediately distracted by the falling snow. She had to grab Brooklyn and stand watching it for a few minutes. Within seconds of beginning their snow watch I heard comments like; "I just love it. It's so beautiful." I feel the same.

I laugh hysterically when they call a snow day here because the wind chill makes the temperature -15 and it snowed 5cm last night! But I've quickly become climatized and while I'm laughing I'm shivering and putting extra layers on the kids! I am looking forward to a few years down the road. When the girls will play outside but tell me when they get cold, (at the moment they don't mention they're cold which limits our outdoor interactions), when my body isn't growing someone so I can do things like hurtle down a hill in a very unsafe toboggan, when we can have family snow ball fights and us girls can throw well enough to give Nick a run every now and then.

Winter is one of those seasons that you have to grow in to before it can be safely enjoyed, especially when you live in a Province that's called in the National Guard on account of some white stuff.

Right now I like to love winter while sipping tea and glancing out the window beside my computer. But I'm looking forward to getting my thick skin back and enjoying it outside one day not too far down the road.

Under Consideration.

2009-01-01T17:42:00.000-08:00

When I began blogging my intent was to keep in touch with two particular people. Friends whom I had lived life with during highschool but had since moved away from. We were all starting families and having crazy adventures. A method of communication to share stories, thoughts and pictures that wasn't bound by the time change seemed ideal. Since I began blogging life has gotten exponentially busier and 7 children have joined the scene between the three of us. We've pretty much fallen out of touch except for a random blog comment every now and then.

While I've been blogging I've been able to virtually meet some great people and connect on another level with people I sort of know, or knew once upon a time. I've greatly enjoyed reading the struggles and triumphs of others; loved laughing at the crazy things kids say and do; thought intently on subjects brought up by other people's posting and even been encouraged through the experiences of others.

More than enjoying reading, I've enjoyed writing. The times where I have sat down and drafted a post, done a few re-writes, found the perfect title and accompanying picture have been wonderful. Even the spur of the moment posts help me remember moments I would most likely forget in the busyness of life and sometimes just flipping on the computer and scrolling past pictures I've posted makes a bad day good.

As a New Year dawns I am considering what I want out of blogging at this present time. I'm not sure what the answer is. I have an idea in my head of this being my 'home page' in a very literal sense. That I start here and it links me to all the things I consider priorities in my life. It doesn't do that right now. But what about content? What do I want to share with the world? It's under consideration right now.

How about you? What do you get out of blogging?

Merry Christmas From the Franks '08

2008-12-22T18:51:00.000-08:00

Teething, toilet training and time-outs have been the theme of 2008 here in the Franks household. Our life with three toddlers can best be described as creative chaos. It will never cease to amaze me how quickly ‘artwork’ can appear on the walls, floor and children; how quickly cute and cuddly can turn into foreshadowing of the teen years; or how each of the girls visibly grows up with every blink of my eyes.

This year brought about a few momentous occasions for Nick. In July Nick and a few of his buddies were fortunate enough to have their ol’ ball-and-chains cut them loose on a ROAD TRIP!! Yankee and Shea Stadiums were the destination and I heard they were amazing. Nick could tell you much more about his adventures- but I choose to be blissfully unaware of the hi-jinx of that vanload. In September Nick put the finishing touch on his 10 year journey of pursuing preparation for vocational ministry. Nick passed through the accreditation process and can now look back on his schooling and training with contentment that choosing to persevere brought him to his goal. Oh, and Nick turned 30 in November. Waaaaaaayyyyyyy before me.

Isabella entered into the wonderful world of weddings this year with two flower girl gigs. In July she did a wonderful job at the Green wedding and bogeyed the night away on the dance floor. In November she once again sent folks into sugar shock with her cuteness at the wedding of Nick’s brother Andrew and his beautiful bride Mary. Isabella grew a lot over the past year both in stature and in intellect. It amazes me what she knows and it keeps me on my toes when she tries to trip me up to get what she wants.

Brooklyn has accomplished much this year. She has learned her ABC’s and begun to count. She is talking in complete sentences, usually telling someone what to do and her physical strength has become rather shocking. You can most often find her….well actually you can’t because she doesn’t sit still. However, you always know she’s around because she never stops talking. So much of Brooklyn can’t be put into words like her strut, or this great angry face she makes when she wants to bend you to her will.

Kathryn is now one and almost walking. She has a couple words, (‘mama’ and ‘baby’) and enjoys being upside down and tickled. It has been such a blessing to see the way her face lights up when her sisters pay attention to her. Often their playtimes end in dog piles, the three of them giggling and wrapped up in bear hugs.

This year I have had many opportunities to grow into my skin as a mom. We went through a few trying times, (like living without a vehicle for four months), and some great experiences, (like the Women’s retreat in September), which began in me a great refining work. I’ve been able to reconnect with my love of scrapbooking and been able to meet many wonderful ladies who share the same hobby. So many fantastic people have entered my life, and the life of our family, in 2008- we have been truly blessed.

This coming year is sure to be chockfull of growing experiences as we wait on God’s timing and for Him to reveal His plan to us. Nick is seeking a ministry opportunity and our family will grow once again as we welcome Baby #4 in June. The girls will continue to grow and the fall will find us entering the world of kindergarten.

We trust that this letter finds you happy and healthy and enjoying the Christmas Season.

With Love; Merry Christmas

Nick, Amanda, Isabella, Brooklyn and Kathryn

S'more Katy

2008-12-19T20:54:00.000-08:00

A few candid shots from Katy's first birthday party. We just spent a quiet evening in with my mom and dad who were visiting. I had been quite sick leading up to the celebrations, so we didn't get to our traditional Teddy Bear cake. We will have one next year though- what's that you want an invite? ;) My grandmother makes these wonderful teddy bears. Each of the girls have one, (and I hope there's one in the works for Baby 4). Katy really enjoyed this teddy but wouldn't get too close as she definitely has a favorite cuddly.

She went right for the candles, hence Nick holding her hands back. She has no fear this girl. Is that a common trait of the third born?

Just like Brooklyn she is most happy when she has a full tummy and a messy face. Surprisingly she fell right asleep after all that sugar.

And this picture was from breakfast this morning, way too cute to pass up posting. This is really how she smiles, not her initial smile, but when she wants you to keep doing something that makes her happy. I just want to freeze it forever.

aTRIBUTEd

2008-12-10T07:55:00.000-08:00

Kathryn turned one last week. It's mind-boggling to me that it's been a year since she was born. Time really did start going quickly with the arrival of Isabella and Brooklyn; but Katy introduced warp speed to our lives. Not only did the days begin moving faster but the milestones began coming earlier and before I knew it she was a little lady instead of a baby. Instead of listing her milestones, trying to make the few pictures I have of her look like hundreds, waxing eloquent over her qualities or trying to put into words why she is the bestest Kathryn Elizabeth ever; I want to tell you about the one thing she has done differently than our daughters before her.

Before Katy came into our lives I had been a mother for 33 months. I had sacrificed my way through sleepless nights and breastfeeding woes and all that other newborn stuff. Welcoming a third baby girl into our family wasn't 'brand new' in the way welcoming Isabella was 'brand new', or how welcoming a boy would have been 'brand new', and yet it was a totally 'brand new' beginning.

Due to my current baby brain and other stresses in our life I just can't find the right words to explain how Katy made me a mom instead of a mother. When she was born my heart grew about four sizes; my love for Isabella doubled, my loved for Brooklyn doubled, I had love for this new person, and I began loving my new role as mom. I will be forever thankful for Katy, the timing of her arrival and how my life has changed since she has entered it.

Katy is amazing but even more than that she enables the amazing in everything else to shine through. There really aren't words to describe how amazing having her in our family is.

Happy Birthday Katy.

Life Cycles

2008-11-28T01:59:00.001-08:00

There's a phrase that people have been using in my life since the fall of 2003. Ever since the first time it was uttered it makes me cringe, and every time I've heard it since I get a funny taste in my mouth. Season of Life. This phrase entered my life once I was married. I entered this adult world with new social rules I didn't understand, rules that were never explained, rules that were defined by the statement; "they're just in a different season of life than you.'. This statement came to represent boundaries I didn't like, I didn't understand and I didn't want to accept.

The phrase hung around after we started having kids. I'm sure people mean it as an encouragement, another way of saying: 'Hang in there, this too shall pass.'. Changing millions of diapers, 2am feedings, being a human jungle gym-don't blink- it's just a season of life. After this phrase is used by the people you see on a regular basis, well, regularly, it gets personalized. No longer is it just a season of life, now it's the season of life you're in.

If this phrase rings a positive note with you, we will begin having a different perspective....now. Consider the seasons for a moment. There are only four of them, they happen on a regular and somewhat predictable basis. In your lifetime, (let's say 80 years as an example), you'll experience 80 summers, 80 autumns, 80 winters and 80 springs. When I consider those three facts the phrase season of life becomes depressing to me.

Let's equate the seasons with an emotion, I'm going to go with what I think is the general consensus. Summer-joy/contentment. Autum-nostalgia/hunkering down. Winter-depression/ surviving. Spring- expectation/excitement. I have to confess that I love winter and despise summer, but I think my point of view remains the same regardless.

You find yourself in the summer; happy happy. Days at the beach, family vacations, a lax routine, longer evenings, lighter meals, millions of pictures. For most summer is the season you long to remain in forever. But inevitably the days get shorter and the weather cooler. We start becoming nostalgic in the fall and wishing for days gone by. We hunker down and accept the impending winter and the trials that come with it.

Enter winter. Short days, inclimate weather, routines disrupted beyond our control, stuck in the house, isolation, sickness (let's not even start to talk about the boogs!). We begin trying to wish it away, looking to Christmas as our beacon that 'this too shall pass' and on boxing day we cross our fingers that every warm day is the beginning of spring. And finally spring arrives. Soon, soon, we'll be able to shed our clothers and spend more time outside and soon, soon summer shall be here.

I imagine that when people use the phrse season of life they don't literally mean they expect you'll follow the pattern every 365 days. I don't think they expect to spend one quarter of their life feeling joy and three quarters of their life longing to get it back.

Are you beginning to see how this phrase is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me? When one is in a hard time the last thing you want to hear is that there are more hard times coming. When one is in a time of pure joy you don't want to consider you might have to leave that state. When one is exhausted, dragging their feet, trying to merely survive, you surely don't want to imagine that one day you will be well rested only to become exhausted again.

Personally I prefer to think of life in phases. It's true that we will go through phases more than once, but never from the same perspective or experience. For example the newborn phase. Once you're there as a newborn, once (or four times) as a parent, and then as a grandparent. Same phase but completely different. I find that a much more encouraging description. The phases of life; you're born, you live, you die (loosely) rather than the seasons; summer, fall, winter, spring. I don't know about you but I prefer to live with the hope represented in moving forward rather than being caught in a cycle.

It may seem like a silly thing to dedicate time and thought to, but I think it's an intriquing point to consider how the language we use defines our perspective and opinions.

Wonderful World of Weddings

2008-11-19T21:59:00.000-08:00

Lovely

2008-11-03T23:05:00.000-08:00

I don't think I can put into words the lovely feeling that existed within me this week when a couple people mentioned my blog. Mentioned that they read it, and that they enjoy it, and that they look forward to reading it. Myself, I really enjoy writing it; but I find that every now and then it does a number on my self esteem. I have to remind myself every now and again that I write these thoughts to write them, not to have them read. It's like that line in Sydney White; "...it's not about being read, it's about being written!"

It really is my intention to write more often, and I hope to begin writing on a regular basis very soon. There are however a few hurdles that must be overcome. I am simply not taking very many pictures right now. My hands are often quite busy wrangling in three little people and there just isn't room for the camera. This causes me all kinds of distress, being the chronological scrapbooker that I am, and also makes it hard to write posts as I really don't want this to become a words only blog.

Then there's the exhaustion, our life is moving forward at such a crazy hurtling speed. I seriously cannot comprehend that Katy will be one year old in one month! Our days are constant as well as our evenings and our weekends are already booking up into the New Year. I'm not complaining as I'm one who truly loves busy-ness, but it doesn't leave much time for the quieter, stiller tasks in life.

And then the puking, and the naesousness. Oh my the naesousness. (I don't even think I'm spelling that right.) When my insides are spinning, it's a bit tough to focus on a computer screen without having to run to the bathroom. I'm hoping it will dissipate in the next few weeks as I enter the bliss that is the second trimester, but if there's one thing pregnancy has taught me it's that it is unpredictable. I'm not sure what, or how, but I do know that since our family will be complete in May I want to make an effort to document this final journey of new life in our family.

I do have great intentions. And hopefully those will fall into action in the next few weeks as I strive to be more disciplined in how I spend my time and what I make my priorities. Thanks for your patience while I work through the hurdles.

And thanks to everyone who stops by, and who likes to read! It was really lovely to hear from you.

Princesses

2008-10-28T19:29:00.001-07:00

I still have not yet taken the time to learn to edit photos, so I'm sure there are real gems hidden in here, but I know there's a few people who like to see photos of the girls when I have a chance. The other day they brought down their princess dresses, (even one for Katy), and asked us to take pictures of them. They then put on a short recital wherein they all sang different songs louder than each other.
Isabella stopped to pose.

There was some wrestling going on, (typical while one is dressed like a lady),and Nick had to prove to the girls he really is stronger than them.

Brooklyn took a break to take care of her baby and check in with the office.

Katy was just absolutely giddy to be playing with the big girls.

Two

2008-10-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

While my computer was out of commission Brooklyn turned two and it's not an occasion I want to let slip me by. Brooklyn is growing into such a quirky person. It took a little while for her personality to begin to shine, but now it's so bright it would blind you. Brooklyn is like the colour blue, a zillion shades and hues to her but none of them offend the eye.

She is our 'scratch and dent model', as one friend kindly put it. I've been waiting all month for her bruises to clear up so we can get some professional pictures taken. She just takes life at full speed, no fear, it doesn't matter what she crashes into. Her sister's head, the edge of the dinner table, the pavement. Hopefully she'll take some time to slow down as she matures, or become a UFC fighter. :)

She is curious. Even though the majority of the world happens over her head she wants to know what is going on all the time. Obstructed views will not deter her, they are merely obstacles to climb over. One of her most favourite places as of late is the zoo. She could watch monkeys, gorillas and orangutans forever.

She's a ham. I thought no one could get funnier than Isabella, Brooklyn is giving her a run for her money.
She is kind, gentle and sweet. She actually sits with her legs crossed on a regular basis. She never goes anywhere without that Teddy, (initially, we're trying to keep him homebound to prevent issues in the future). She will play mommy to anything from Katy to the remote control wrapped up in a kitchen towel. She loves to sing; 'rock a bye baby, tree top, fall', over and over and over.

She is doing so many big girl things. She's been potty trained for a few weeks now, drinks out of a regular cup and tries to sneak into the older kids Sunday School class so she can make the crafts.
She loves the outdoors. Would play out there forever, that is if you tell her she can't. As soon as you let her go outside she just wants to come back in, (why is that?). She is very adept at jungle gyms and slides and loves to swing.

She's rough and tumble, almost always prefers noises over words, can make noises with her body that rival her father's, and like to smash anything. In her heart of hearts she's a princess. Loving dress up and just begging her hair to grow long enough for a ponytail.

It's been an amazing year of watching Brooklyn grow, I can hardly catch my breath when I consider this year coming up as she continues to expand her vocabulary and her experiences; that she will get to share them with me and I will get to see them through her eyes.

A Happy Thought

2008-10-08T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am most thankful for photos on those days when no one is obeying and all you can do is toss up your hands and say; 'Does anyone want pizza for dinner?'.

Re-Treat-Ed

2008-10-07T17:52:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I went away for a few days on the ladies retreat at our church. Initially I was looking forward to the retreat as a time to connect with women, relax and sleep; I came home realizing that there are way to many women to connect with, relaxing is hard when you're away from home and sleep is overated.

A lovely speaker spoke to us, her messages were amazing and her voice was soothing. Yay for the English. The whole weekend was focused on Matthew 11:28; "Come to me all who are weary....and I will give you rest for your souls."

There were four main sessions focusing on different aspects of the verse; come, learn, trust and abide. I plan to be doing different posts on each one over the next month, as a reminder to myself of what I learned and was challenged by.

I was really challenged by recalling how many times I go away for these weekends and come home with my head full of knowledge that I don't look at again. This time it will be different. The sessions were like lectures, only she talked to us in completely relational terms and with a friendly attitude. It felt like each message was tailored to me, until I turned to the person sitting next to me and she said the same thing and the lady beside her said the same thing.....

It was so nice to be retreat-ed to the love of God. To hear it from an academic point of view and have it touch my heart. I came home looking forward to each day between this retreat and the next one, instead of already looking forward to the next one.

It was so nice that when I came home I just giggled. The sink had some dishes in it with a bit of water, the vaccuum cleaner was out and plugged in, the trash was somewhat gathered and everyone was asleep in the girl's room. I giggled because over all of these things the smell of pancakes filled the air. It is our sunday routine that I get to get myself ready while Nick makes pancakes for the girls and takes care of breakfast. He tried to be a bit of mom while I was gone, but he didn't get so caught up in trying that he forgot to be dad, and that made me smile and giggle.

Virus

2008-09-24T22:18:00.000-07:00

Isn't it the way it always goes? A million creative blog posts enter your mind, and you actually have spare time to write them, and then your computer catches a virus! Nick's fixing it while I'm away this weekend, (yes, you heard right, away, blessed church women's retreats), but I will be back on Monday. And with some regularly scheduled programming!

Tagged

2008-09-16T18:59:00.000-07:00

My lovely friend Tara tagged me and since I love her, (and her blog), I am now going to list five unusual things about me.

1. I HATE the summer. Hate, hate, hate it. And it's more than the potential of sun burns and mosquito bites and sweating. I hate the aloneness of summer. When everyone heads away to 'relax' at their cottage or spend time on a family trip or just sleep a zillion hours. I despise that planned ministries at church end in May and don't start again until September. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the things that family vacations and cottage get-aways stand for, but I still HATE summer.

2. I cannot answer a question, in writing, in a simple sentence. I always have to explain myself. Like now. While I point out my quirks and then justify them.

3. I am in love with ER. All the seasons. I actually got misty eyed when CTV first announced this will be the last season.

4. I cannot wear clothes to bed. It can be freezing in our house and I still cannot wear a shed of cloth to bed. I feel all trapped and smothered when wearing pyjamas in bed. Out of Bed is a whole other story.

5. I am rhythmically challenged. I cannot clap and sing at the same time. In church I look like one of those totally white kids, standing there with my hands on my hips or crossed in front of me. If I'm clapping it's because I don't know the song. I can't explain that one. It's just who I am.

I tag,

Northern Lamb
Ricey
Jill

Worthy of Praise

2008-09-15T11:25:00.000-07:00

I have just a few seconds while the kids are asleep to fill you in on some of the wonderful things that have happened around here.

One is a bit older, but I just realized I forgot to share! We have a vehicle!! I'm too cramped for time to find the link about our van dying, but after 4 months of living without a vehicle we found an affordable van for our family. The amazing part of it is that about a week after purchasing the vehicle we received a love offering from the church which paid for the vehicle to the penny! How cool is that!?!

Our other exciting news happened on saturday. About 10 years ago Nick sensed God's call on his life to go into full time ministry. Nick heeded the call and headed to Bible College where he filled all the necessary requirements, followed by an apprenticeship which ended in May. All of this work was to get him to the place of becoming "accredited"; which means he has the credentials to work in the Alliance denomination as a pastor. And as of Saturday morning, he is! We now begin seeking God's direction and looking for opportunities to be used in full time ministry. So very exciting.

What has God done for you lately??

Bagged

2008-08-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I struggle with the planning side of eating. For the last year or so I've been trying out different strategies to make meal planning and preparation easier. I did Once a Month Cooking and loved it, truly loved it. More so the process than the actual meals, but the last chapter of the book is how to adapt it for my own recipes.

My struggle is that I just don't want to think about it. The days are so full of mental energy that I would really like to put dinner in it's slot and just do it, not think about it, badda bing, badda boom, dinner's ready.

Then I found this; a meal plan that does exactly that. It's by Kraft and the theory is one bag of groceries, five entrees. Several of them I would consider one dish meals, and the ones that aren't are very easily completed with a salad and bread. The meals all take around 10 minutes to prepare, and use little dishes so cleaning up is easy to.

I can tell you that this has revitalized my fervor for meal times! Thought I'd share in case you need some inspiration too.

Wrong Side of the Tracks

2008-08-21T00:58:00.001-07:00

When I arrived in Georgetown I didn't feel like my life was perfect at all. I had created certain expectations in my mind, and not a single strand of life here was living up to those expectations.

As the new kid in town I figured people would be calling me up, inviting me out for coffee and over for dinner, (surely everyone would want to know me!); we had found a house to rent, a house- not a basement suite, surely it would be glorious, (I wont even go into how I feel about this house); Nick was coming back where everyone knew his name and wanted to aid him in succeeding in life, look out countless blessings!

Let me take my foot out of my mouth for a moment and state for the record that we have been blessed beyond measure since arriving here. However, my Greatest Flaw spent the first year of our G-town experience in fine form.

Life had worn me out; physically, mentally, emotionally. I just wanted to revert to being small and have someone take care of me all the time.

I wanted new friends, but I didn't want to make the effort of the first invite.

I wanted deep relationships, but I didn't want to be vulnerable first.

I wanted to be blessed, but I didn't want to do the work of being a blessing.

And yet at the same time I did, I just wanted it all to be easy. I wanted to live reactively instead of proactively. I just wanted to move onto Easy Street for a little bit.

I wasn't myself when we first got here. I was lazy, apathetic, moody, and painfully shy. I chose to do the least amount of anything possible, I whined, I cried. I met the worst version of myself and although I didn't like her company, being with her was easy.

Then one day the switch flipped. I've been trying to figure out exactly when it happened, but haven't been a very disciplined journaler as of late and so can't put my finger on it. But I woke up and I felt rested, rejuvenated. I was ready to be me again. Being who you are is hard sometimes. We live in an incredibly critical world. But becoming who you are after being someone you are not is almost impossible. First impressions are so hard to re-write. I don't have any regrets in life, save this, choosing to be selfish instead of putting my best foot forward in August 2006.

Hopeless.

2008-08-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

I think now is the perfect time to let you in on one of my greatest flaws. I am a hopeless romantic. Hopeless. I'm 28 and have watched A Cinderella Story a million times. Sydney White is on our movie channels this week and I watch it daily. Trust me when I say that Nick doesn't stand a chance, (although it would be nice for him to try......).

But the romantic in me goes far deeper than my relationship with my Prince Charming. It's about so much more than receiving roses, poetry, or those knock you off your feet surprises.

Although the commonly exploited theme in all movies romantic is the guy-gets-the-girl/ girl-gets-the-guy/everyone-lives-happily-ever-after; there is also an element that requires all of lifes trials and obstacles to be resolved and forgotten in a mere 120 minutes. Pause for a moment and think about how grand life would be if your Grandmother showed up on your front stoop and announced that Genovia is awaiting your arrival as their next Queen. Can't figure out how to get your hair salon straight-presto-it's taken care of. Lost all that baby weight but still can't justify the new wardrobe-huzzah-how about a walk in closet the size of your local 7/11. Were you the highschool geek-shazam-let's move you to another country where no one knows you and you can be whatever you want to be from this moment on.

This trend can also be referred to as Sitcom Seducery. Ran your hubby's new car into a light post? Just wait 30 minutes and the two of you will be laughing so hard your sides hurt while you wax the newer! even better! car that just showed up in your driveway. Teenage daughter running amuck? Don't worry the next door neighbor will take care of it for you.

I am a hopeless romantic. My life doesn't stand a chance. Curveballs have abounded in our mere six years of marriage, but those instant fixes, not so much. Where is Extreme Home Makover? Why doesn't TLC feature my crazy life? Where are the Home Made Simple Mavens? Surely I am deserving of someone to walk in my front door and zap away some of my worries, aren't I?

The thing about being a hopeless romantic is that it's not fair. It's not fair to the people in your life, but it's mostly not fair to yourself. My life kicks ass. Pure and simple. It is the PERFECT life for me, but too often I only realize that in retrospect.

Forging On.

2008-08-21T00:07:00.000-07:00

I think I've finally recalled where I was heading with my last post in this vein.

Working from home.

When you first start a family and all your sense are filled to overflowing with the sweet smell of all things Johnson & Johnson, the sweet touch of a (clean) baby's bum, the amazing taste of living a worthwhile life, and the sight of all the melt-your-heart-moments of parenting; you begin to feel that working from home is the. best. option. ever. Suddenly you're reading entrepreneurial websites and magazines, trying to figure out how to create the income you need out of old dish rags. After successfully navigating the first three months of a child's life you begin to feel like superwoman, surely you can do anything!

There are a lot of times that working from home is not all that it's imagined to be, (at least by me). Even though I am at home all day with my kids I've missed many firsts. Like when Belle was little and started saying 'hello', (her first word), I honestly thought it was part of the dictation I was transcribing. Even now on days when I have to get work done, I only see them playing out back through the window as I glance up every few seconds. Balance is constantly elusive as I'm working for my paying gig, but see the tasks of my un-paying gig piling up. Not to mention the sleep deprivation. I've been so blessed with good sleepers, and from really early on, and yet I am up until two or even three a.m. a good share of nights just trying to get everything done.

For so long I felt like I stradled two lives. One in which it was my sole responsibility to bring in a certain amount of bacon, one in which it was my sole responsibility to cook the bacon. The division between the two, a blur. I sit here at my computer to upload pictures, try to keep them organized and share them with the world. I also sit here, sometimes, and get paid by the minute. Not to mention that I want to sit here to do things purely for my own pleasure.

I have about 500 square feet that are my home, my office, my life. The 'mommy' hat never comes off, even when I'm 'at work'. The domestic to-do list doesn't fade into the background, even when I'm focused on typing 90+ words a minute. Within me exists a constant nagging voice; 'is this really what I am supposed to be doing at this exact minute?'.

I don't think working from home is any harder than working outside of the home, or any harder than just, (and I say that completely sarcastically), being a stay at home mom. I think all lives have a degree of hard. I work because the choices we've made lead to responsibilities we must endure.

When I arrived in Georgetown I was standing on the precipice of an entire year of not working. Due to the graciousness of my previous employer I had worked enough hours to entitle me to mat leave benefits. For 12 whole months I was going to be a full time parent, a full time wife, a domestic goddess. The possibilities were all coming up roses.

Thanks K8!

2008-08-13T19:23:00.000-07:00

I went through a brief period in which I was addicted to 'John and Kate Plus 8'. I began watching hoping to find out all kinds of hints and tricks for things like family budgetting, fun games for toddlers and other stuff like that. I didn't find the show to really provide that much insight into those areas of their life, but I rather enjoy John and so I continue watching. I think I've seen every episode on TLC eleventy billion times and am very eager for the new season. I also would love to take the kids to Pittsburgh, which isn't that far, simply to go to the zoo. I think we'll only be going if we can borrow Aaden for the day.

There are a few tidbits I've enjoyed gleaning from my hours peering through their fishbowl and when it started raining today I finally put one of them into practice!

As I'm sure I've mentioned before Brooklyn eats everything. I'm trying to get her more involved in crafts but she eats all the supplies! Case in point: yesterday she made a lovely necklace at our local Early Years Drop In Center by stringing various pieces of craft supplies on a piece of yarn. By the time we got home there were only two pieces left on it; a piece of foam and one of those confetti hearts you can by at Hallmark to go in your card. The rest of the pieces had been bitten and ripped off during the car ride home. Oy.
I recalled from 'John and Kate Plus 8' an episode where the six are playing with edible peanut butter play dough. I searched through the shows archives and found nothing, (it is not a helpful site), but upon googling 'Edible Playdough' found a link to the recipe allegedly used by Kate on the show. I picked up the ingredients and today we gave it a try.
This is quality control making sure we've actually put in equal parts peanut butter, honey and powdered milk. Then added flour until it was un-sticky enough to play with, but still sticky enough to be fun as mud.
I believe it passed the test. Isabella gives our creation her seal of approval.
Katy definitely knows she's missing out on the fun, but has been appeased with arrowroots, cheerios and shredded cheese.
Just look at the goop, said with minor disgust, from the I'd-rather-watch-someone-else-get-messy kid. Just look at the goop, said with utter glee, from the I'll-be-the-one-getting-messy kid.

All in all a fun way to spend a rainy morning here.

I would also like to point out that I am not embarassed to publish a picture showing my kitchen, for the first time in a million years. The journey I've been on of embracing the SAHM that I'm becoming has me filling my time with things like dishes and expanding our rainy day bag of tricks beyond Disney. Balance is still elusive, but days like today remind me I'm spending my time right where I should be.

The Most Beautiful (Flower) Girl in the World

2008-08-06T12:28:00.001-07:00

Waiting to ride in the 'fancy car'.
She was so quiet and well behaved during the ceremony.
It would seem that dancing in the gazebo was way higher on her priority list than posing for group photos.
Trying to get her in the groove to do the portraits, which never happened.
Isn't she so cute? She did an amazing job during the ceremony, and ate well during the reception. She also danced the night away until midnight. At about 10:30ish I put her in her pj's thinking we'd go home early. She went to say some good-byes and ended up back on the dance floor. She lasted about two minutes before she ran over and asked for her dress back because her pj's don't twirl. I know this was a very special day for her, and am so glad she was asked to be involved.

Stumped

2008-08-06T12:16:00.000-07:00

I am sorry to have left such a gap since my last post, but I find myself not sure where to go next. This is one of the areas in my life wherein I feel way too vulnerable to be completely transparent. The long and the short of it is that our family is in "that financial place" where people can't understand why I don't work, but our family is in that "focus on your children" place that people can't understand why I would work. It's this funky middle ground where we aren't chasing after possessions, but we aren't hugging trees either.

Add to that, a lot of what this journey has been for me has been about my faith in God and my relationship with him. Something that not a lot of people understand, or the people who don't understand are just more vocal. Putting Christ at the beginning, middle and end of everything I do is hard. It's another hard thing that is totally worth it; but God is often so quiet and the world is often so loud.

On top of which I am trying to become a better person, let's just put out the Open House sign for self doubt and temptation and exhaustion.

I promise I am not done sharing. I just need a few deep breaths before I get back out there.

Circumstances Dictate

2008-07-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

A few weeks after Isabella was born the company I had been working for called me and asked me to consider coming back to work as soon as possible. I went in and talked with them about their expectations; hours I would work, pay I would receive. I went home to consider and crunch the numbers and reality hit me pretty hard when I realized that it would cost more for me to work than to not.

But at the same time I needed to be bringing in some sort of income in order for us to stay afloat while Nick was in school since he, rather inconveniently, could not be in two places at the same time. Apparently the question: to work or not to work, had one answer: yes.

I was blessed to be able to do my previous job from home for about a year. It meant that we could keep a roof over our heads and food in the cupboards and take care of our needs. But man did I have wants, and insecurities.

I just didn't want to be judged. I didn't want people to look at our family and wonder what we were thinking when we decided to have a child, and as my belly began to swell with #2, I didn't want them to click their tongue and look down their nose at me. I wanted people to see through my stuff what a great parent I obviously was.

So I got a second job. A paper route that meant I woke at 4:00am to have the newspaper delivered by 6:00am everyday and then I looked after Isabella and our home and did my other job and cooked delicious dinners and spent fabulous evenings with my husband.

As if. The second I stopped relying on God things began to suck. True we had more money coming in than before. True we were able to buy things and do day trips, but we were so unhappy. I was overworked and tired and not taking care of what I should be taking care of. I hit a wall and burned right out. Something had to give and so the paper route went.

I found myself stuck in the middle ground: wearing a business suit attitude and my sweats to work, and man did they chafe.

Ideally Speaking

2008-07-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

While I am keenly aware that children come into existence on God's timing I have always pictured my children close in age. It's true that I desired to have my babies 18 months apart on purpose. My siblings and I aren't close in age and there's always been a gap between us simply because we've always been at different stages of life. I graduated from college the year my sister graduated from the eighth grade. Nick and his brother are also a few years apart and been in very different places throughout their lives.

We wanted close friendships for our children and hoped that having them close in age would set a good foundation for that. I mean high school is already a completely different world now than when I attended, I can only imagine what it will be like for my children and how great for them to have someone to experience it with. I will never truly 'get it', but at least their siblings will have the same frame of reference.

Being a mom of three children this small is hard work, but anything worth working for is worth working hard for. I didn't know how many people it would bother to witness a woman with three small children. On three separate occasions a random stranger has quipped: "Looks like you need to get a new hobby!" directly to my face. I didn't realize how many people would be baffled to find me out of the house! "alone"! with three small children! and still smiling!

But I didn't expect, or even desire, to be their primary caregiver. In today's society two income families seem to be the norm and I figured that I would continue in my line of office administratin while Nick became a youth pastor and we'd partner with a wonderful daycare to raise our babes. I'm one of those women who actually likes day cares and thinks Early Childhood Educators are unsung heroes.

It's not that I don't want to be responsible for my children, it's not that I don't believe myself capable, it's not even that I don't feel up to the challenge.

The thing for me is that although first steps and first words and first foods are exciting and momentus; the first step will be followed by a million more, and the first word by a billion more, and the first food by a trillion more. And anyone can help a baby learn to walk and talk and eat.

But the first piano recital could be the last, and the first basketball try out could crush a spirit, and first heartache may snuff a soul. And I don't want to be absent from those firsts, to be there for the first five years and absent for the next fifteen.

I would gladly choose to miss a first step in order to cheer from the sidelines for my daughter with two left feet as she trips down the soccer field, smiling, because she knows I chose to be there for those steps.

I would have gladly made that choice.

Up North

2008-07-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

Last week I took the girls up north by myself. It was good, although they didn't fall asleep before 9:30 and woke up at 6:30 each day; even though I didn't let them have afternoon naps. I didn't get the physical relaxation I was hoping for, but it was a great time. Brooklyn and Isabella both love being out in the boat.
Everytime we stepped outside you could be sure to find Brooklyn eating dirt and rubbing it in her hair. She still isn't talking much but rather expresses herself through noises, grunts and shrieks.
Isabella was a total ham. Here she is mid dance wearing my sunglasses.
Kathryn had the busiest week of all. She learned to crawl for real, get herself up to sitting and back down again and began making her first 'da-da' type noises. I can't get over how quickly she's growing up.

All in all it was a wonderful week, it took a lot of effort, but I'm sure it was appreciated by all.

More to Come

2008-07-12T20:06:00.000-07:00

Well, there are a lot more posts to come in the vein of last week. I had a few too many things going on the last few days to keep going, but I'm heading off to the trailer to relax and write, so the story will flow forth once I return next Monday. Until then take care.

(And a special 'hi' to Amanda and Susan for all the comments. :))

And on the Sixth Day....

2008-07-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

Genesis says that 'on the sixth day God created man'. And he created woman to be man's helpmate.

I, myself, have always been independant and although I had a few highschool crushes I never dated anyone. That was fine with me, (on most days, I mean eveyone has their moments of weakness). It would have been nice to have taken some test drives, but I wasn't looking to purchase, finance or lease a heap of metal that would drain my bank account, cause me grief and leave me stuck on the shoulder when I really needed to rely on it.

I knew lots of nice guys but I was afraid the only guy in highschool who wasn't looking to simply get some would be the guy to ask me out, and I'd be stuck staring at the same face every morning for the next 70 years. I didn't want to be a heart breaker, and I didn't want to carry around much heart ache. Granted that was most likely some defensive tactic I brainwashed myself with to deny that fact that; as one guy friend put it, 'I'm just looking to have fun now, but when I'm looking to settle down-I'll find you.' I'd like to believe I wasn't a geek in highschool, but, well, let's say the jury's still out on that one.

But in my second year of college I was very content with who I was becoming, surrounded by great friends and contentedly living vicariously through everyone else who was sampling the meat at the CBC market. One day I sat in the same place for almost an entire day and in the afternoon Nick sat down next to me and would. not. leave.

I've shared the rest of that story before, (along with longer versions of my previous two entries, but in order to understand the present you sometimes have to reflect on the past), and the end result is that I've felt what it's like to be loved and chosen every day for the last six years and I am indescribably blessed by that. So much so that even if something tragic where to happen to Nick I would look for love again, (Please don't misread this sentence, I'm just trying to emphasize that having felt love I can now see how I mislead my self in my youth).

I have been completely converted from independant to part of a team, not just through the act of marriage but by the softening of my heart to be let myself be loved.

Then God Stepped In.

2008-07-09T20:34:00.000-07:00

I needed a change of scenery and so I travelled. I travelled the insane distance of down three blocks and across the street. I took up residence at the Bible College. In a few short months it became clear that these seeming unfortunate events were by divine design and I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Being submerged in the Bible College Bubble is hard to explain, but so awesome. There are cliques, the hot girls, the jocks, the musicians, the intellectuals- but it's totally not highschool. There are all these people who are Christians but while in love with God are also crazy about NKOTB and there are wedding magazines everywhere. Even though we each believe John 3:16 with our whole hearts there is still heartache, struggle, confusion.

Yet the walls literally ooze with encouragement and the fine line between friend and family is blurred. As a girl who has often felt 'on the outside looking in' I felt completely accepted and it was totally addictive.

While there Ephesians 2:10 became my truth: "for we are God's masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.". I clung to that as I looked inside to discover who I am and to revel and glory in my self. I even have it tattooed on my body, (in the form of a butterfly). It was my greatest comfort and has become my greatest challenge.

Simply Pieces

2008-07-08T12:27:00.000-07:00

When I was in the twelfth grade I had a vision of my ideal future. I had been taking an Interior Decorating elective which I loved and, according to my teacher, was pretty good at. I wanted to be an Interior Designer, but not just any Interior Designer, I planned on becoming the female version of Nate Berkus. By day I would hunt for furniture, demolish the interiors of homes, search through paint samples and carpet swatches- turning the homes of the rich and famous into exquisite havens. By night I would be at black tie fundraisers and parties planned by Colin Cowie. I would have dresses by Versace and shoes by Choo and I would have places to wear them.

(I must confess that this 'plan' was all fantasy. Though I was completely sold out to it, I hadn't thought it through).

I envisioned going to school in New York City and assumed I'd start off all Coyote Ugly: rank apartment on the Lower East Side; um...dancing... to pay my tuition, working hard all day and all night to pull it together. But at the end I'd have my credentials, no student loans, a padded bank account and I'd be at the center of the artistic universe.

Getting established in the field of design would not be problematic as I would obviously be amazing and in no time I'd be living in a swanky loft on the Upper East Side attending weekly soirees and jet setting all over the world to decorate for the who's-who on every continent.

I've always wanted to be a mom, but not a wife, and so once life was humming happily at warp speed I planned on hopping over to the neighborhood sperm bank and ordering my brunette, blue eyed triplets from a donor named Don Juan whom I would raise with the aid of my chef, maid, nanny and personal assistant and my life would be one hundred percent perfect and complete.

Back in my reality a few unfortunate events occurred which left me broke and believing I would spend my life, um....dancing....on the Lower East Side becuase all I was worth were the singles I would be shamelessly begging for on a pole instead of a street corner.....

Setting the Stage

2008-07-07T21:08:00.000-07:00

For as long as Nick and I have thought about having children we've always been a family of six and from the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time, all four of my children were already born in my heart. Before we decided to open the window of possibility in the arena of babies we got our lives together on paper: mom with a college degree to fall back on- check; manageable debt load with plan to eradicate-check; three months worth of living expenses in savings-check; dad standing on doorstep of career-check; solid foundation of marriage and faith-check. A wise person once told me that you can never be fully prepared for three things: marriage, kids and death. With the first two you come to a point where you just leap. Do your best to set the stage and let the performance begin. Life is not a dress rehearsal and the show must go on.

When Nick and I began our journey of conceiving we both felt it would be a winding road. Neither of us expected to get pregnant and stay pregnant easily and thought false alarms, miscarriages and complications would be our reality. It wasn't something we feared, but something we were prepared to accept. We have a healthy respect for the holiness of life and that we are not in control. Shortly after we decided to start our family we were privy to the pain and anquish of a tragic miscarriage in the lives of dear friends. As we cried for them and interceeded for them we began to truly ask if it was worth it. Was it worth it to open ourselves up to the potential for such pain in the hope of receiving uncontainable joy.

To completely blow us out of the water I found out I was pregnant just weeks later. I took the HPT while Nick was in Mexico on a missions trip and could hardly contain myself. I tried to calm myself down by planning the perfect way of telling Nick. We were house sitting a beautiful house at the time which provided the perfect setting for a candle lit supper under the guise of welcoming him home, at which point I could share the wonderful news and we would both spend the next nine months smitten and glowing like only expectant parents can.

Nick came home from Mexico completely fired up from his first short term missions trip and began tossing about ideas such as putting all our possessions in storage and squatting in Tijuana so we could build homes for poverty stricken Mexican people and help out local missionaries. His face was so full of excitement and all I wanted to do was grant his every wish no matter how crazy. But instead I blurted; "um, how about we stay here and have a baby instead?".

It only took a few hours, (and modern conveniences like running water), for Nick's source of joy to change from missions work to fatherhood. We ended our time in St. Albert, AB on a very high note. Everything was falling into place so smoothly for us to start living the Canadian style American dream. Nick's internship had been just the right mix of challenges and successes to solidify our faith in God's calling to full time ministry and we stood with one foot in a college dorm and the other in a nursery just waiting to take that last step into the domain of Grown-Up.

We moved to Calgary on the wings of well wishes with the beautiful 'come back chorus' ringing in our ears. Completely invigorated by the previous 12 months we stepped sure footed into the final lap. We felt secure in our plans and our preparations; the future was full of bright, bright, bright sunshiney days.

Merely days later we began the swift descent that usually accompanies a lesson from the Almighty and one by one all our wordly securities were stripped away. Un-employed mom-check; drained savings account-check; increasing debt with no end in sight-check; seeming insurmountable academic challenges-check; foundation's limits being tested-check.....

Time to Leap

2008-07-04T08:14:00.000-07:00

Recently I finished reading "Eat, Pray, Love". I started reading it the day Elizabeth Gilbert was on Oprah for the first time, which I'm sure was ages ago. I only managed to squeeze in a chapter or two each night before falling asleep, and now that I've finished it, I forget how it began.

I liked the book because it made me think. Every time she made a point I really got to thinking about how it translates into my life, my faith, my worldview. I like it when books, movies, even shows channel my thought patterns. I think a lot and I'm a verbal processor, so there is pretty much a constant, (and constantly interrupted), conversation in my head.

One thing this book challenged me with was the process of her journey. That parts of it were done solo; parts with other people; parts for other people; and parts under the influence of other people and their opinions.

I have been on an incredible journey for the past two months or so. It has been truly life changing for me and mostly internal. Yet I long to share it- just to simply share it. I have struggled with what to say and how to say it afraid of the opinions of others, and that has kept me from blogging as much as I would like and from being true to myself.

Today is an interrupted day; plenty of chores, a constipated baby, new worries and challenges. I know that right now is not the time to do it justice, but I look forward to sharing my journey that has brought be from being a stay at home mom via circumstance to a stay at home mom via choice; from isolation to contented aloneness; from insecurity to confidence and from anxiousness to hope.

All I ask is that you be gentle, I'm still vulnerable.

Celebrate!

2008-06-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

For my birthday my dear friend Jennifer took me and the kids out to Chuck E. Cheese for the morning. Jennifer's kids are a bit older than mine and we have been getting together just to chat, learn more about being godly mothers and she has been mentoring me in being a stay at home mom. Jennifer's kids aren't as close in age as mine, but when she first became a SAHM she did daycare and so had several kids around the same age to take care of.
I learn alot from her. Sometimes little cheat tips; (like if you set a timer for 10 minutes and spend only those 10 minutes cleaning each room at the end of the day, in one month your home will be really clean), sometimes it's spiritual; (for example you're not a bad mom if you ask God to give you strength and energy for the day when you wake up in the morning), and sometimes it's just fun; (if you buy the plastic cups from Chuck E. Cheese you get free refills every time you're there).
I remember Chuck E. Cheese from my childhood days as a special occasion, for birthday parties only, but for my birthday I learned that it can be a regular outing, espcially in the winter, to keep the kids entertained. With toddlers it's not expensive at all, I mean they love the games regardless of whether they're actually playing them or not. And you can get a buttload of tickets by playing a few games of skeet ball. So everyone leaves worn out, with a prize and some fun memories.
And my silly kids can make even the simplest of outings incredibly memorable!

No Good Excuses.

2008-06-18T20:56:00.001-07:00

So I logged on to leave a few comments on the blogs of typers much more faithful than I have been of late, and since I was logged on I thought I would leave a note behind.

I have some awesome pictures on my camera of a few fun events of the last week: the Father's Day Car Show we go to each year, my Birthday Bash at Chuck E. Cheese and just some random adorableness of the girls. However, I was last trying to upload during a lightning storm and pressed my luck. Nothing a little time wont fix, but time is a hot commodity around here. I find when I don't have pictures it's hard for me to blog, but I think I'll try because it could take me a good two weeks to get the pictures up.

I also got a haircut yesterday that I love, but I now have to actually do my hair. It's nothing drastic, just my usual cut, but I found this lady to have done a much better job. I think I found me a stylist I will stick with. The best part about the haircut is that it was free! A gift from someone for me, so very cool.

I turned 28 last week, crazy.

Well, I think I'll bid you adieu and try to come up with something of more substance tomorrow. The rain here has given me a sore throat and I better go to bed to try and get over it, I simply cannot call in sick!

Body Double.

2008-06-10T19:22:00.001-07:00

Yesterday Isabella decided my lipstick looked better on the walls then it does on me and used the entire tube to decorate our stairwell while I was on the phone. I am totally procrastinating from cleaning that up right now.

Last week I joined what seems like millions of people here on earth and began counting points on Weight Watchers. I took this past week to just read a tonne on the site and learn about their process and science and all that jazz. Today was the first real day that I actually ate conscious of point values, it wasn't that hard. At least not until after the kids were in bed. I do really good at not snacking during the day, it's really hard to tell Isabella she can't have a cookie when I'm eating one, so I just bypass the argument and don't have any cookies. But after the kids are in bed I just want to treat myself for getting through another day and what's a better reward then cheesecake or nachos or cookies or nanimo bar or all of the above?

So as I sit here tonight procrastinating from cleaning and thinking about stuffing my face, my thoughts are turning to more beautiful things; Julia Roberts, Drew Barrymore, Vanessa Marcel and Katherine Heigl. I would be completely content to be of the body shape to play body double for any of those women. When I think of Hollywood beauty they are it.

Completely feminine and yet you know you'd have a fight on your hands if they asked you to meet them in an alley; when you watch them stuff their face in a movie you get the feeling they really did- all 26 takes! I think of Drew in Home Fries, so cute and curvy; Katherine Heigl on Greys or in 27 Dresses, Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman or Oceans 11, Vanessa Marcel on Las Vegas.

Just enough envy exists for me to choose to a glass of water over the mouth watering piece of cheesecake Nick brought home for me yesterday, maybe if I have points left on Sunday I'll indulge!

Who would you like to be a body double for?

Cooking with Bella

2008-06-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday we tried a new activity, cooking class. Isabella and I headed over to Superstore where a lovely lady helped us make these adorable cookies. It was a fun experience. All of the children were there with a parent and we sat at two tables. One parent took responsibility for reading the recipe and each child added an ingredient, took a turn stirring and passed it on to the next child until we had our cookie batter. While the cookies were baking the kids helped with clean up, had a snack and made a craft. The craft for this session was the 'flower pot' for the cookies. The cookies were quite heavy, but tasted absolutely delicious. We signed up for two more over the summer and I am sure they will both be just as fun as this one!

And Not to be Outdone......

2008-05-26T01:58:00.001-07:00

In the blink of an eye, Kathryn started rolling over this week. She was playing on the floor and I went to make lunch- when I returned she was on her stomach! She's been rolling from her front to her back since about three months, which is just craziness to me! The day after she rolled over she got up on all fours and started rocking back and forth. She's only done that once, but I'm holding my breath-is she going to be an early walker? With two little people to chase after already I'm enjoying her immobility. Watching someone learn skills for the first time does not get old though. It was just as exciting to have Nick whip out the camera to take pictures of Katy's first roll-over as it was for Isabella's. I wonder what she'll be doing next.

Cathartic

2008-05-26T01:41:00.000-07:00

This is one of my most favorite pictures of Brooklyn. I love that it was spontaneous and her smile far outweighs the scar on her forehead.

I have watched quite a few movies which I would classify in the 'cathartic' genre. The ones that aren't necessarily made to cause you to weep, but should you be in that place in your soul, it will evoke enough emotion that the floodgates can burst wide open and you just have a good cry, which sometimes is all you need.

'The Holiday'; 'Reign Over Me'; and 'P.S. I Love You' were the movies that provided this retreat for me over the past few days. I have been in a frame of mind which causes me to carry the burdens of others without being asked or invited; without knowing the degree to which its affecting the actual person it affects; and my sharing of the load probably means little to nothing to the person in the situation.

It has been so much easier lately to carry other people's "stuff". Not because I'm hiding or running from anything in my life, but because they actually have "stuff" to carry. I live a very mundane life right now. The same schedule day in and day out; butt wiping after butt wiping; meal after meal; bedtime routine ad naseum. I find it a struggle to remember that my "stuff" is just as important as the dramatic "stuff".

These movies were especially cathartic for me this week because all of the drama caused in them was a result of terrible pain and loss. I already know how fragile life is and I do greatly appreciate the little things; but these movies were a Hollywoodesque exclamation point to what I already know, and it was good for the soul.

I'll never get over the incredible plumber's butt both Isabella and Brooklyn have. When do they get hips!

Mother's Day.

2008-05-21T21:54:00.000-07:00

Bags and Shoes

2008-05-19T23:14:00.000-07:00

Raising three girls is going to bring me way out of my comfort zone as I learn to view this world through their eyes.

Fact: I own less shoes than my husband.
Fact: Our closet is split 60/40 in his favour.
Fact: I think practical when dressing the kids not fashionable.
Fact: I like to call my hairstyle swept up, but its real name is lazy.

Isabella already loves accessories. She will wear a hat anywhere and in any situation. She has already asked me for a (working) cell phone. She likes lipstick so much she'll colour her lips with marker to get the desired effect. In our front hall closet there are a tonne of shoes; I'd say 50 pair, 7 of them belong to me.

I think I'm going to like getting more in touch with my feminine side though. The above shoes are for Isabella and the upcoming wedding she is in as flower girl. I had been on the hunt for the 'perfect' pair of shoes, and was actually giddy when I found these.

Girly might not be so bad afterall.

Without

2008-05-15T11:33:00.000-07:00

April 4th wasn't the best night in my life. It wasn't traumatic and is not on my list of Top Ten Things I Would Only Wish on my Worst Enemy, but it isn't a night I'd like to return to, ever. The details aren't all that important, but the night began with me taking all three girls to Costco and it ended with us waiting in our dead van for Nick to rescue us. Rest in peace, Ford Aerostar, we will miss the convenience of you.

Since then we have been 'without'. Shortly after the fateful evening our Bible Study group was talking about excess. How we should each have a garage sale and instead of spending the money on a treat; give it to a charity or use it to reduce debt. During that conversation someone deemed a vehicle as a necessity, rather than a luxury, in our society. If we lived in some parts of Mexico or Africa a vehicle would be a luxury. Yet here it is a necessity.

Shortly after our van died we poured over our finances, trying to decipher how we pause our debt reduction efforts and stretch our selves to the limits in order to afford a car payment. We were looking at financing because in our situation it would be the wisest way to spend money we don't have. We found a vehicle that fit our needs, and attempted the credit process. It didn't work. We could look around and see the difficult financing situation the economy is in and find solace in that, but really being denied a debt is a blessing.

A few weeks later a sermon was preached in our church about prayer. Focusing on a cycle: we pray in faith, our prayers are answered, our faith increases, we pray for bigger things. When broaching the subject of how to pray the preacher stated: pray for specific things. (It makes sense, how else will you know if your prayer is being answered?). Nick felt led that we should be praying for a vehicle to be provided for us without us having to go further into debt and that the vehicle would be provided when we needed it.

At this juncture we do not have one. But we have yet to miss church, we have not had to haul home groceries in the rain. Our insurance policy allows us to pay a premium without a vehicle so we don't have a gap in our insurance, the scrap yard gave us enough for the van to cover our bill for the attempted repairs. Our next door neighbor, whose name I don't even know, has lent Nick his truck to get to and from work each day, one of the pastors at the church has been lending us their van the way a parent would generously give to their own children.

While being without a vehicle has been hard on me, (I definitley have felt 'without'), I have surely felt the peace of all the negative things I am truly 'without' in this circumstance. To have been approved for financing would have been more debt to shoulder. It has caused me to cast light upon all the things we have been afforded; provided for, taken care of, remembered when we're not in the room, loved.

I feel as though I should feel guilt that I have children and cannot provide something that the society I live in deems necessary. Instead I feel trust, that in the end, before the burden becomes too much to carry, we will be provided for. That security is something I hope to never be without.

In a Toy Shop

2008-05-03T19:02:00.000-07:00

Perseverance

2008-05-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

Wikipedia defines perseverance as a term for human endearance and if they thought to put a picture with their definition, Nick would be it. For almost ten years now Nick has been pursuing his call to ministry. It is a call confirmed by many who know him and strangers alike.

We've spent the time we've been in Ontario actively pursuing this call. Nick has been doing an apprenticeship and it is amazing the growth in him over the last 20 months. In writing a letter to the church to thank them for our time here I said; "truly he came to you a beaten lump of clay, and now by God working through each of you he is a jar ready for God's purposes for him." Sadly, Nick's time to be apprenticed has come to an end. To the surprise of many Nick is not yet an accredited worker in the Alliance. At his interview in January it was deemed that he knows all he needs to know, but it gets a little lost in translation between his brain and his mouth.

Life keeps on keepin' on though and while we haven't quit this pursuit it's a bit on the back burner right now. Nick is working on his explaining and interview skills while working a new job doing demolition for a construction crew. As a family we've decided to spend the next year just working and living, taking care of each other first. We are always open to God's timing and have no idea how long this breather will last, but we are determined to continue growing without moving on.

It amazes me daily how much Nick continues to give to this decade long process and as we wait to see when the next step begins I find much peace in this Proverb:

"There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord. The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the Lord." (Prov. 21:30,31).

We know that Nick has been called by God and on God's timing he will bring this call to fruition. I am so proud of Nick today for continuing on against all odds to be what God wants him to be.

Why I love Sundays

2008-04-28T19:01:00.000-07:00

There are a myriad of reasons I love Sundays, but here are the two that top the list. I love dressing these two little cuties for Sunday mornings. Their wardrobes rock in comparison to mine and they wear it so well! On this particular Sunday Nick was at the Men's Retreat and we hit up Mickey D's for lunch. The girls got their rockin' happy meal toys, a microphone and an iPod. They didn't put them down all day, they were even in their beds for naptime.

Brooklyn has not yet learned the art of cheesy grins.

AHHHHHHH! The shoes, they're too cute. I can't wait for the teenage years, I can only hope we all wear the same size shoe.

Transparent & Vulnerable

2008-04-12T20:33:00.000-07:00

Don't you love it when your spouse makes a suggestion that you can't find a way to back out of? Last week we headed out to get pictures of the kids taken and had planned again to get a shot of Katy, a shot of Brooklyn and a shot of the sisters. Isabella's hair was incredibly awful so when she said she wanted to wear a toque I said sure. I then attempted to negotiate with her on which toque she would wear. She wore her regular winter toque, not the cute one I had picked out to match her shirt. When it came time for the photo she insisted on a prop, hence the flower. It has no meaning or explanation other than the fact that Isabella is Three.

As we walked over to the photo studio I was thinking about Isabella's wardrobe choices. Just as I settled within myself that having a picture of her just as she is would be wonderful, Nick threw me a curveball.

'Honey, do you think we could get a family picture today instead of one of the girls?' (Cue batting eyelashes).

I stammered, I paused, I searched, I begged for a good excuse to say no. I think you could say I've been a leettle overwhelmed as of late with the care of my family and personal hygiene has been shoved back on the shelf a bit. I'm not proud of it and I'm not sure why I feel compelled to even share this detail. I only managed a spit shine shower before heading out for photos, not thinking anything of it, I mean I was not going to be in the picture!.

Yet in good conscience I couldn't deny this request. How could I put my daughter in front of the camera just as she is and not be willing to do the same myself. I may blow up that picture and paste it upon my fridge as motivation to do something about the fugliness, but then again I may be able to draw upon enough grace to realize that nothing in that picture is fake. Not my wardrobe nor my lack of primping, especially not my smile.

We are happy, happy as pigs in slop I suppose.

Hopefully next time that happiness will show up with a matching hair-do and not hiding behind her children. For this part of the journey there is waging a war and I'm a soldier straight out of training camp.

Wholly Moley

2008-04-12T20:23:00.000-07:00

This is Kathryn's four month shot. Don't you just want to put that gaze in a frame and look at it all day long? This month she wouldn't pose any which way, all she wanted to do was snuggle her Poppa, so we let her. Kathryn has never liked a soother. I had an out-of-body experience in which I stepped back far enough to see how ridiculous I looked trying to convince her to take one so she could be calmed like every other baby I've ever met. She sucks on her fist. Not her thumb, not a few fingers, her entire fist. It's quite cute, even when she chokes herself. She's going to have a lot of fun with that in college. With those baby blues and stupid human trick the boys are going to have to watch out!